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    • #21465

      My daughter has to spend time with her abusive father as part of court ordered contact. But she gets quite funny about what i have been doing while she was away. She seems happy to go, but hates the idea that I have done anything without her. She wants me to stay at home and rest when she is away. She got quite angry tonight because I had fun without her. I have no idea how to take this. It feels like she is trying to control me too. I wont let her but I dont know how to respond. Is it a bonding thing that she does not like to be apart from me? Is it a control thing? is it that we do most things together so my life and her life are intertwined that she feels like she is missing out because she is with her Dad. I am a bit worried about her as being able to be separate from each other and to leaving and coming back etc is an important part of identity etc. She goes to school etc and she does not have a problem with the fact that I do other things when she is at school. Has anyone else encountered this? if so, whats it about? or how did you interpret it? also how did you deal with it sensitively ????
      I have to confess i am puzzled right now.

    • #21478
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi I Want to Break Free,

      My youngest has to see his dad as ordered by court.

      He seems ok going at the moment- I think because my ex is on best behaviour with him to try to get him on side, but also because I think he thinks he needs to make the best of it- but he supressed me the other day by getting very upset when I had to go away overnight. He can be quite blase about me nowadays, and I think his dad tries to make him see me in a negative way- but he became very emotional when he thought I wouldn’t be there as per usual.

      I think that our kids try to make the best of a bad job, if contact is court-ordered. They know they don’t have a choice, so they need to ‘survive’ and just put their head down and forge ahead with the contact.

      They bury their feelings of fear and try to be practical- but actually they rely very much upon the belief that we are at home, sitting in the same arm chair, waiting for them to come home, and that everything will be the same at home when they return as when they left it. It gives them a sense of security.

      To imagine that we might be doing ‘different’ things when they are gone can unsettle them. Their security feels threatened.

      It is maybe a kind of control thing I think on the part of your daughter, borne of insecurity.

      Also, if her father is controlling towards her, it might be a reaction: she might be trying to control you to regain that a sense of power. As we know, abusers suck your power away from you.

      I suppose there is a two-pronged thing here. Firstly, trying to help her to feel empowered when with her dad and to stick up for herself and not allow him to swallow her up. His to do this is, maybe when she is with you, en outage her to develop her own independence and individuality – by encouraging her to join groups, activities, to encourage her to firm her own opinions about things, etc. Touch upon how to stand up to bullies in general. She can out such things into practice with your ex!

      The second prong: her relationship
      with you. Reassure her, whilst at the same time encouraging her independence. Encourage her to branch out, but still have routines that reassure her.

      Make it clear to her that it’s ok for both you and her to go and do individual things. It’s normal. You can still cuddle up and watch a dvd or cuddle up certain days of the week!

      If she is adopting controlling behaviours, they need redirecting – I try to tell my kids how controlling behaviour in general is not a good thing. I give examples of people in general.

      Hopefully, as she grows in her independence, she will be less clingy to you and accept your individuality too.

    • #21481

      Thanks for that Serenity – perhaps it is about security. She has said to me that she is still very worried about seeing her Dad , she feels very mixed up about it. Excited and scared. We go to Cahms and she speaks to a doctor there the last time we went she hung on to me and would not let me leave the room, she reverted back to baby behaviour. In someways I see this as a stress reaction and in some ways I see it as her trying to control. I think she is having to adapt to some very tough things. Her anxiety has been so much better so I had thought that we might not need to see cahms anymore and I had said to her. Things are much better – and then she acted out. I think she needs to know people are listening to her etc as she still feels uncertain. Perhaps the idea that Mum is just sitting at home is what she needs to think ….even if I do go out.
      Thank you for your post as this feels really new to me and I was all at sea about how to react.

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