My depression or his abuse??

[Lostsoul]

I have depression. Lots of history including a shocking bereavement before we met when I lost my partner.
I can have bad days where I know I’m not myself, I sleep for England, forget things and at times can be a moody b***h.
I’m confused as to whether I am being abused or am the abuser?!!
He says mean things to me and his step children. He calls me an unfit mother, lazy, away with the fairies etc. He blames all the issues on my depression. I have sought help and I’ve bever really had a diagnosis or proper support as my relationship is always the main concern of my worries when I’m talking to a counsellor etc.
He has cheated on me several times, is a gambler and also likes a drink. All of those are because I am so hard to live with and I have made him do them one way or another due to my behaviour according to him.
Sometimes I bite back to the comments and wAy he behaves and I admit I do go full throttle and say some mean things. This only happens during an arguement though.
He maintains that he does everything and I wouldn’t cope or be safe around my children if it weren’t for him.
I question whether I am the abusive one or if I am being blind sighted into being blamed due to my depression.
I’ve read up on depression and emotional abuse. I was doing ok before we met. I’m not sure if perhaps my depression is a product of him?? I have said similar to him before but he is adamant something is wrong with me.

[KIP.]

Do not listen to a word he says. Just like my ex. He is the cause. And if he was concerned with your depression then where is all the support a good partner would provide. I had depression for years. Only after i met my ex. He played terrible mind games with me for years. The only thing wrong with you is him and his abuse. I read that one in three women treated for depression have been abused. There is no point in discussing it with him. He will twist everything leaving you feeling worse. Save yourself x

[KIP.]

PS My ex tried to blame my depression on a miscarriage and a hysterectomy but I never have nightmares about them, nor am I scared of them, nor did I walk on eggshells because of them.

[Tiffany]

Hey Lostsoul,

Sounds a lot like gaslighting. And hideously familiar. I am chronically ill and all my abusers bad behaviour was either caused by my illness’ impact on him or was in my head because of my illness.

He was adamant that I wouldn’t cope without him – despite the fact that I did all the shopping, gardening, housework and worked as well. And I believed him for so many years. He eroded my relationship with my family until I believed they wouldn’t look after me if I needed it, and broke down my confidence about working, even though I was good at almost every job I have ever had, and unlike him I had never been unemployed.

But most familiar to me is the way you dwell on your own faults. I spent around two years researching how to be a better girlfriend, in order to make up for my failings. I am absolutely not perfect, but my health, and indeed personality failings are not bad enough to warrant two years attempting to mould myself into someone else’s ideal woman.

I never could do enough and began to worry that I was going mad as he demanded more and more while simultaneously telling me he’d never ask anything of me because I was ill and needed looked after.

It’s only been a matter of months since I left, and I am still suffering from anxiety, but things are getting better. Hope they get better for you too. Xx

[Author]

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