My eldest is gaslighting me

[Strube]

This morning he said that a drawer belonging to his brother is his and always has been. I said that it wasn’t and had always contained his brother’s belongings. He (of primary school age) said I got it wrong and it was his. At this point after correcting him a second time and explaining why, my son started shouting and telling me I was confused. He said he’s a victim and everyone hates him.

This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. For example, he will tell you the sky is red and accuse you of being nasty and hateful when you tell him it’s blue.

He appears to lack empathy for others…the empathy he shows doesn’t appear sincere. He plays the victim even when he’s verbally abusing me. He is only ever happy when he’s getting what he wants and has no respect for me or my partner.

He tells me his brother gets treated better than him and doesn’t get told off like he does, this resentment leads to him physically assaulting his brother and then deny he did it! I don’t treat them differently.

I’m so exhausted with life, with everything. I’ve spent hundreds on books to help me help him. He had therapy. I’m still in therapy. I spend hours on the net researching his behaviour and seeking advice. Nothing is working. I can’t manage this anymore. I think I’ve reached my limit 🙁

[Confused123]

HI HUN
but u will
Dotn give up hope, posting on here was a good idea, maybe us ladies can give u tips on what worked for us annd what we tried, have u sat down and asked your son if he would like some attention of u, ask him if he wants to do somwwethign special just the two of u, even if its just having hot choclate at mcdonalds, reinforce u love both your boys, ask him if he would like the draw he justs has to ask you, then if possible swap if that suits u, ask him if he feels victims what support can u get him to help him. Try and help him work out what help he needs, maybe he needs reassuarance. My eldest went through this said i loved youngest more, and would hurt his brother to hurt me or even him i think , i went through stages when id talk to him but nothing went in, wj=hati started to do was say i refuse to speak to u when u r disrespectful but i will be speaking with u when u ready to listen. Let the scenario defuse then talkwith a firm vocie why u think his actions were wrong and try come up with a solution. It is very draining but u will get there

[Serenity]

Hi Strube,

I have sympathy, as my youngest is playing up.

He gaslighted me last night: told me I had moved/ lost something of his, which we ultimately found in the car, where I told him he’d left it ( he claimed to have looked!).

I think that- if your son is learning power and control tactics at this age ( note: all kids will try it to a degree, but decent adults learned how to modify their behaviour), the best thing you can do is to do little things as Confused says ( a hot chocolate out, etc), but I do think the parent-child relationship can get a bit intense, especially if you are a single for parent ( and especially if you have an abusive ex stirring things up).

I would calmly let him know, matter of factly, that no, that isn’t the case as you see it. Therefore, you’re not discounting his opinion, but you’re jolly well holding on to yours. He needs to realise that you are entitled to your belief and that he can’t manipulate others into believing that black is white.

I also think that ‘it takes a whole village to raise a child.’ In earlier times, extended families lived together and a child had many parental figures about. Nowadays, society has changed, and we need to go and find that support out in the community. The more he spends with other people seeing normal behaviours, and with good role models ( even gym teachers, swimming teachers etc) the more he will learn normal behaviours- and you are sharing your heavy load.

If you have anyone you can trust- a teacher, etc- who you can share this bit of information with, you might be able to work together to nip this in the bud? X

[Suntree]

I would find mine would tend t challenge me when things weren’t right in their world. When they would say black was white and white was black.

Your son is so young and for my mind too young to be able to gaslight you. However his responses to things are probably triggering responses from you that have happened in the past.

What you need to do is find a way where you can handle situations like this so they don’t feel like a battle ground.

I found getting them to help to work as a team has help. Yes I get the “you have no idea how hard it is I have to do everything around here….” moans.

I have also found I have to tell them they are the child and it is their job not to have certain responsibilities and worries that is my job, but if I need their help then I they must trust me to ask them for it. This one goes when they feel the need to protect me.

I have also used play therapy to them. If you can get some, we used a local charity that the SS recommended.

I am going on some course to see if there is anymore I can do to help me, help them.

I don’t know what it is like to grow up like they have. I am just very surprised I haven’t had more problems than I have had.

[Author]

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