11th January 2020 at 12:06 pm #95452JackieParticipant
Hi, I am new to this so just thought I would share my story.
(detail removed by moderator) years I was with him. I was never happy but could not get away while my child was young. Constantly played mind games with both of us.
By the time my child was (detail removed by moderator) I knew I had to get out before it started destroying her.
I left when she was (detail removed by moderator). But did not last long and stupidly went back.
Into secondary school she changed, then one day I was informed she was self harming. I found a knife under her bed.
That was my kick.
He more or less sealed his own way out and this time I stuck to my guns.
As well I dealing with my mothers illness and after a few months her death, I had to deal with him terrorising us every day. After 2 tears I gave up my job, my home and walked away to another town.
Looking back i can see so clearly the mental abuse he inflicted on me. Physically abused several times.
My child went to a phyciatrist and I went to a domestic abuse group. And I must say this group was a waste of time. Run by women who have no idea what it’s like to live this life. I realised if you need to talk it’s best with someone who understands. Nobody can offer advice if they have not experienced it.
He turned his back on his child because I gained some strength. Although I feared for my life every day as did my child.
But she has me and is thriving.
11th January 2020 at 1:41 pm #95454[email protected]Participant
I would agree when youve been through these extremes the experience give us that common bond – like no other. people could read and read watch videos on this subject but if they havent experience the terror that comes with this they reall dont fully ‘get it’ xx
its hard enough understanding the dynamics off all the tactics they use especially when your stuck in the cycle off abuse and trauma. it can take a very long time to come to terms with all that has gone before and finally see clearly the reasons why this is not our fault. its definitely conditioning by them that leaves us feeling this way, he sounds awful just the same as my ex abuser xx
you sound like you done amazingly well x love diymum
11th January 2020 at 5:13 pm #95474LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the Forum.
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through and the negative experience you had at the domestic abuse group you went to, it’s a shame that it wasn’t helpful for you. It can be so isolating when it feels like there’s no one who understands what you’re going through, particularly as it’s not an easy thing to talk about.
You might find it helpful to be in contact with your local specialist domestic abuse service, if you’d like to get in touch with them you can find your nearest service here.
Take care and keep posting.
12th January 2020 at 11:25 am #95532CoolbreezeParticipant
Hello Jackie and thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you and and daughter are safe and well. It just breaks my heart to read how you both suffered. I am in the process of finding out how I can achieve what I need to do for myself and children. I must agree with you that I did not find my local support contact helpful – sadly I could tell they did not really understand what I was saying. It’s not their fault and hope maybe I get a different person if that’s possible.
12th January 2020 at 9:13 pm #95580JackieParticipant
Thank you for your replies.
It is the hardest thing to escape from but if anything can make you do it its children.
My daughter suffered both at home and school. Asked why I let him do what he did. She gave me the strength to get out.
Its a shame the groups offered are not run by people who have been through it. But to be fair we all get out our own way when we finally make that decision.
I ignored him for months, yes he questioned me and eventually sealed his own exit. Witnessed by my child.
Thankfully she was old enough for him not to play mind games with her. It broke her heart, but she supported me.
My mum lived a similar life and got out. And she saw the same in him. I am just glad she saw me get out before she passed away.
One day I woke up and just thought I have had enough. I read so many things to get advice.
I chose my own way to do it based on him. Eventually it worked.
13th January 2020 at 9:20 am #95605CoolbreezeParticipant
I’m really glad Jackie how you succeeded. My children are old enough to understand but they don’t need to know the gory details at this point and they are thankfully not poisoned by him. He’s not their father and has no rights over them but he was counting on me not wanting to worry or disrupt their lives and not do anything. I didn’t do anything until the point came that as you put it, he sealed his own fate. I had enough. It was more than enough. Eversince then I’ve actually felt so much better, free and as if a huge weight has been lifted from me.
18th January 2020 at 9:53 pm #95977SummerisbestParticipant
I am new to the forum too. After suffering years of emotional (and other) abuse, cohersion and control, I got out. It would be a lie to claim it was because I felt strong or was for my kids.It was because he did something that could easily have killed me, and I am left in permanently pain. Luckily, I knew where to go for advice and went to get help straight away.
It continues to be difficult to process, is it possible to fully recover?
My ex manipulates our children and continues to play narcissistic mind games, although I avoid contact and refuse to participate as much as possible.
Does it ever end, or do I have to flee to somewhere new?
Also do you have to work through it to heal? Frankly, I’d rather bury my head in the sand for a while longer.
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