My Ex wants me to call him

[1DFan]

Hi,

I left an abusive relationship over (time frame removed by moderator) now. I’m (age removed by moderator) and we have a (age removed by moderator) year old together and a house. (He’s been gone since she was (age removed by moderator) old) I haven’t seen or heard from him since her (time frame removed by moderator).
It was recently my daughters birthday and a card came in the post wishing her a happy birthday and at the bottom of it he’s written “(line of direct communication removed by moderator)”

I’m really unsure of what to do, even though he’s been gone for so long a part of me is still scared of him, I live with lasting effects of what he did and I’m worried that he’ll end up disappearing, disappointing her or something worse. I don’t think she’s old enough to even consider making a decision about whether she wants to meet him yet. I gave him a lot of opportunities when we split up to see her and he didn’t bother with any of them.
There’s nobody around me that’s grown up in a single parent household so I don’t have anyone to ask about any impact about not having him in her life. But she has lots of positive male influence like my dad so I don’t feel she’s missing out on anyway.
I’m also scared he’ll try to come for the house since we’re both on the mortgage.
Is it wrong for me to not text him, or do I need to reply?
Not sure if this makes much sense as I’ve never posted before.

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I understand this must have been triggering for you. You are not obliged to respond or call him if you don’t want to- children need consistency and you mentioned that he has not been an active part of her life. If you are concerned about any next steps I would suggest seeking legal advice around your rights and options. Children just need to be safe and secure which is what you are providing her with.

Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements. They are available on 0207 251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 7-9pm and Fri 12-2pm). They also have a line for women in London on 020 76-8 1137 (Mon 10am-12pm and 2-4pm, Tues-Weds 2-4pm, Thurs 10am-12pm and 2-4pm).

Best Wishes

Lisa

[InShock]

Hi 1Dfan
“There’s nobody around me that’s grown up in a single parent household so I don’t have anyone to ask about any impact about not having him in her life.”
Same here… it’s such a dilemma. But from my online research, many adults whose fathers were abusive say an absent father would have been better than an abusive father. So I wonder.

Any update on your situation?

Hope you’re keeping well.

[Cat24]

I can understand your confliction as society creates a view that children need both parents , however if one is abusive this statement is not true.  Many people I have spoken with who had an abusive parent wished they did not know the abusive parent.

It is hard and you will be racked with guilt but that goes away eventually and you don’t owe the perp anything. I would not contact him. It opens a huge can of worms and they can further abuse you if they use the child. In some circumstances people have let them in again nd they’ve gone for full custody with a new partner . And due to lapse laws they can do this. Which destroys the victims life further. And the child’s.

In other situations they start to try to control the mother and use the child to spy on your life as well as using parental alienation tactics to turn your child against you. Again there is nothing in place to stop them doing this.

Keep safe 🙏

[Author]

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