25th June 2018 at 11:03 pm #60535
So I left my ex but i’m realising actually she was right, no one but her ever gave a d**n about me, not truly. So, now what?
I read we do a certain amount of testing once we leave our exes, testing our families or friends to see if we can rely on them. Well mines have massively failed. They don’t even check in by text or email to ask if I’m ok. They don’t give a d**n.
No one cares about me except my ex.
What happens now?
26th June 2018 at 7:55 am #60539KIP.Participant
Hi there, this is a very difficult time for you and we are all very vulnerable at this stage. It may seem that they don’t care but really they do. You need to re engage and rebuild the relationships you probable neglected when you were in your relationship with your ex. Abusers try to isolate us from friends and family saying things like nobody else cares about us. Trying to make you even more dependent on them. Time to rebuild theses relationships slowly by you reaching out to them. Engaging. Talking. Communication. Tell them you’re feeling vulnerable and need some support. Make plans to go out and meet up. It’s difficult and slow but you will get there x
26th June 2018 at 10:30 am #60551fridgesParticipant
It is isolation what was done to you. With my first abuser – I did not speak to my own mother for almost (detail removed by moderator) years, neither I saw my family, as he put all the effort, making me believe that my family uses me. Yes, they were not a perfect family and I had lots of trouble with them. But it was done with the intention, I will have absolutely no one to turn to.
There is hope, with time you can engage with them, to be in touch, and build the relationships. also build new friendships, let new people come to your life. I was very isolated and slowly I’m coming out of my shell, reaching for help and learning how actually to ask for help. My self esteem was so low, that I did not even think about myself, I can ask for help or look for help.
Second abuser made similar ways with me.
And I still have to deal with him and with what he left me with. He used my past traumas in the most low way, you can possibly imagine. I still can not believe that other human being can do this things to other human being.
Now – I’m having good friends, slowly I’m building myself. I have realised my abuse was there at least for the last 20 years. And if I add childhood, then it was actually present almost all my life. Just different versions of abuse.
But I put all efforts to stop happening to me. And if I can do it, have a believe in yourself too, you can do it. Do not give up!
Choose the biggest project of you life – You and Yourself!
If no one cares about you – care for yourself, learn how to nourish yourself and be independent.
26th June 2018 at 10:46 am #60553freedomtochooseParticipant
I care about you supersonic. I don’t know who you are but I’m sorry you are suffering like this.
I have lost family members too for the reasons mentioned on this thread and other reasons.
Would agree with others about caring for yourself. It is tough to do that especially when others don’t seem to. But we are all on a journey here and hopefully we can encourage each other.
29th June 2018 at 6:27 pm #60701
Thank you all of you, such lovely responses, I so appreciate you all being here. I try and try but my family – they are not interested in me. Some of them are also abusive, very manipulative and not showing understanding for all that i have been through and how much I am still suffering. I am so exhausted, this stuff takes so much out of us, I was financially, psychologically and physically abused, at the end I was convinced my ex would try to kill me.
So I will do as you suggest and just take care of me and support you all here too. I feel honestly I do not deserve friends now, I just find it so hard to relate to normal people who aren’t abusive. I am so used to abuse I just feel that’s all I deserved was to be hurt and kept like some kind of prisoner. But now I make myself practically a prisoner, I wish I could break out of this.
29th June 2018 at 6:34 pm #60702freedomtochooseParticipant
Of course you deserve friends like us lovely.
It is I find the hardest thing in the world if you lose family members due to them
being manipulated or whatever reason.
hang in there lovely
30th June 2018 at 4:35 am #60716balletParticipant
Your ex wasn’t right.
There are two things to consider here. First, if you’ve experienced abuse before (especially abuse that started when you were very young), you’re more likely to have low self-confidence and to struggle to protect yourself from hurtful behaviour. My ex was able to hurt me so much because my self-confidence was already very low. Having had lots of bad experiences doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of care or friendship. It just means that you’re vulnerable to people who are less than kind. This will change as you grow and heal.
Second, it’s important to remember that miscommunication between friends is common in situations like ours. Many people who have never been abused don’t have much insight into how awful it really is, and sometimes when we reach out to them we aren’t good at explaining, because to us it’s obvious. I have some great friends in my life, but I’ve often been left feeling more lonely and hurt than ever when I tentatively tried to share things with them and they didn’t follow it up by checking on me or asking how I was doing. It took time for me to realise that a.) I was often downplaying how bad I felt (I would say things like “I’ve been feeling a bit low”, as opposed to “I’ve been fantasising about dying”, without realising what I was doing) and b.) I wasn’t making it clear to my friends how they could support me. When I suggested specific things they could do to help, it got easier. They didn’t really know what to do before then. To be honest, I still don’t get nearly as much support as I need, and I’m wary of burdening people too much. But struggling to find support isn’t the same as not deserving it.
I’m glad you felt able to post here, and even if your friends aren’t able to give you the support you need, I hope you will always find some comfort online from other women who have been there and get what you mean. x
2nd July 2018 at 9:51 am #60816Confused123Participant
Living with thsse abusers we fgorget to care about ourselves, b4 anyone else can love us, we have to learn to lvoe ourselves, when i think how my ex used to beat me up,im in disbeleif that i went that much into denial and couldnt leave, it has taken me (detail removed by moderator) to realise how dare he did that to me , and to think his family made me feel bad for walking away from abuse.
we become so disulisoned, they isolate us that we break contact with our family and beleive they dont care about us, slowly rebuild therelationship, it takes time, families themselves dotn know how to deal with what we went through, take small steps tolove yourself again
u will get there, and his not right hun
4th February 2019 at 5:49 am #71849
Thank you all, I really appreciate you help
I went off and done things for me and reached out to others, all the while still having minimal contact with my ex
It has been a while now though since my ex replied to me and my heart is completely broken
In my case, my family never were very good really, and I have had to let go of some who actually abused me growing up
I am still just as isolated as I was when I first separated from my ex
It feels like I will never get better because I had started to feel a bit better but now I am back at square one
I want to disappear but I know I will not act on my thoughts so I just stay in this hell without even my ex by my side
I think I made the wrong decision, I don’t feel able to live without..
Sorry for such a long delay in replying, I don’t know why that even happened.
4th February 2019 at 12:47 pm #71858LandyParticipant
I think often people just struggle to know what to say or do unless they’ve been there. This forum has literally been my lifeline. Keep posting x
4th February 2019 at 12:49 pm #71859LandyParticipant
And i know what you mean about feeling heartbroken. It’s hard when someone you’ve loved so much drops you like a sack of spuds. That’s his issue, not yours.
5th February 2019 at 5:47 am #71894
Thanks Landy, I just feel that I will never stop loving my ex in spite of the abuse and controlling behaviour, you know? It physically hurts, I am so depressed and don’t have any interest in anything anymore.
5th February 2019 at 12:07 pm #71903
It sounds like you are still in some kind of contact with your ex. This is going to be making it harder to move on.
Honestly no one will “care” about you like an abusive partner. No one else will take such detailed interest in your doings and likes and dislikes. They are intensely interested in you, because that intense interest gives them all the levers to hurt you without you cutting them off. They want you desperately as a source of power. Someone they can hurt without consequences.
The problem is that they will never care in a normal way. Normal people care about your well-being. They want you to be safe and happy. But real care is not as intense as the fake care that abusers show us. While we are still in contact with them, the real care that people around us have for us, seems like nothing in comparison to the fake care shown by abusers. In the early days, when you have weak relationships with other people because of the isolation of abuse, then it hard to see that their passing care is more true and meaningful than the kind of intense care shown by your abuser to keep you hooked. It’s so much better and more healthy though.
Please cut all contact with your ex and start caring for yourself. It will make it much easier to recognise the care of others once you care for yourself. You are worthy of good relationships. Start with having one with yourself!
7th February 2019 at 3:02 am #71948
I think my situation is different to some, my ex did look after me whenever I was ill and really done a lot for me. It turned real bad when I remembered child sexual abuse that I had repressed, my ex struggled after that. Didn’t believe me initially but then realised it was obvious I had been abused as a kid. Then things were hard. I won’t ever be able to stop loving my ex. Maybe I deserve to be miserable anyway? MY ex hasn’t emailed me for a few months now, and it hurts :'(
7th February 2019 at 11:12 pm #71990
My abuser cared for me when I was sick. It’s actually fairly common for abusers to seek out people who are chronically ill I think, because then they can be this knight in shining armour who understands them better than anyone, and helps more than anyone else. It’s what mine did anyway. It helped that my esteem was low when I met him because of the illness too. He put a huge amount of effort into looking after me in the beginning. And then he became gradually less and less caring, and more and more abusive. But it didn’t really register with me what had changed until he proposed and we got engaged and I realised how controlling he had become. He genuinely had looked after me. But for him that was a way of gaining control of me and isolating me. I still can’t understand how someone could do that to someone else. But he did. And he wasn’t unique either.
9th February 2019 at 4:36 pm #72098Anonymous
My ex looked after me so much and I sang his praises, which meant that when I was ready to face up to what he was doing, no one believed me.
9th February 2019 at 6:10 pm #72104IwantmebackParticipant
Hi supersonic, my oh looks after me when my arthritis really flares up. He’ll tell me to go to bed to rest, he’ll run me baths. He’S been really good when on holiday recently. Even washing up dishes, drying and putting away, from someone who doesn’t know where anything goes! He knew about sexual abuse that happened to me as a child and he’s brought that up whenever he’s seen fit. We bare our souls to these men, our deepest secrets, because we trust them, we share everything with them so as there are no secrets. I’ve found over the years that I’ve become so secretive because of how he’s used my secrets to his advantage. Of how he’s called me names, questioned my sexuality, accused me of being a wh..e because I’d do anything and everything with him, because I loved him, because I didn’t want him to think I was frigid, uptight . Jerry Hall did women no favours with her famous script in the 80’s. No woman should be classed as a wh.. e in the bedroom, yet men are seen as such a studs. If only they knew what we really thought of them they’d never have sex again.
This is all part of the game. Because in general, they do take care of us, that’s why we struggle to deal with their outbursts, to make sense of it all. In reality there is nothing to make sense of, logic doesn’t apply in abusers minds, they do what they do because they don’t see anything wrong in their behaviour. We can only be our own knights in shining armour💪💜💚
10th February 2019 at 10:43 pm #72168
Thank you all, this makes more sense to me now. Yes, I can see how they use it to make themselves look good – at the end of the day, it’s mixed in with abuse, control, outbursts, rage – and someone who really loves us shouldn’t do that. So I was thinking more about it tonight and I realise I am lucky to have gotten out. I do not know how I would have managed that if I had left it much longer because my ex was planning a whole new life elsewhere for us, where I would have a lower chance of help.
I have control of my own money now and even that has felt so odd at times after all the years I had no control over it.
I know I did do the right thing, it is just a very very lonely road, that’s all.
I feel like I’m only now beginning to grieve it since my ex has been completely ignoring me a few months now. We had stayed in contact because I chose to – because I think I am trauma bonded and I need to break that bond and it is hell trying.
But if others can do it, then I must surely be able to also?
I am quite sure my life would be so much harder if I went back or if I had never gotten out at all. I remember how scared I felt and I don’t want to go back to that!
10th February 2019 at 11:42 pm #72173
You have seen it exactly. It’s part of the love bombing cycle – we want them to look after us, we crave the feeling of safeness that it gives us so badly that we put up with the abuse to get it. And it looks great to the outside world. After all no one suspects the poor guy who has to rush home to look after a sick wife to be abusing her.
I am so glad you got away. I too broke away at a point where it was about to get much harder to leave. And it was hard. I didn’t grieve the relationship so much as the future I thought I would have. But it was hard. And incredibly lonely. I tried to keep reminding myself of how lonely I often felt with my partner. I also accepted all invited everywhere. Even if I thought they were pity invites.
A couple of years out though and I have lost almost all the sadness. I am sad I wasted so many years with my abuser, but I don’t even start to regret leaving. Best descision I ever made. You’ll get there too!
Start by changing your contact details. It’ll help you stop waiting to hear from you if he can’t actually get in touch, and you will feel more in control. If you can then go to see women’s aid and talk things through. It’s incredibly helpful to talk about abuse with people who genuinely understand. And be kind to yourself and look after yourself. You can do it better than anyone else can. It’s hard to remember that when you have become reliant on the whims of an abuser for care. But with a bit of practice you can make yourself happier than he ever did.
Look after yourself. And stay safe.
11th February 2019 at 5:12 pm #72201
Yes, you’re right, it was very lonely with my ex too, I had cut out everyone and had no friends.. still don’t really. I remember watching people at a marathon before I left my ex and it was the loneliest feeling seeing all the people running together with their friends. I got home and cried in the bathroom, I felt so lost. I got to a point where I couldn’t even recognise myself in the mirror anymore, I looked so tired. I told my ex I was not ”me” any longer.
I’m glad you got out too Tiffany 🙂
Yes, I think I am needing more support really, I think I could go to womens aid at some point.
I am starting with a new therapist this week for other things, but I don’t know how to work on those without first grieving my ex. It’s all a bit too much really.
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