My exit plan is sorted. I’m excited but scared!

[Soonbefree]

I have gained so much insight and strength from reading other topics on this forum. Thank you xxxx

This is my first time posting. My husband is emotionally abusive; he is manipulative, controlling and undermining. He has never been physically violent and the abuse has been subtle and slowly progressive, so I didn’t recognise it for what it was until recently. He made me believe I cannot trust my judgment because I am mentally ill and emotionally unstable, I’m a bad mother and can’t look after our child on my own, and I won’t survive financially without him. My husband humiliates and belittles our child and I feel dreadful for not protecting them.

I have planned my way out for myself and my child. I have rented a house and I have a moving date. I will rent a van and my friends will help me move while my husband is at work. I am going to leave a letter from my solicitor. All good so far. The problem is…….

I’m scared! My husband knows I want a divorce but he doesn’t know about my escape plan. He is losing his grip on me, so is stepping up his intimidation, gaslighting and guilt-tripping. Although I will go no-contact for the first few days to give him chance to calm down, I can’t remain no-contact because he has parental responsibility for our child. I also want our child to have the opportunity to have a relationship with their father, if they choose to.

I’m scared that:
One of us will catch COVID and my moving date will be scuppered
My husband for some reason won’t go to work on the moving date
He will take our child
I will always be frightened of him
I won’t cope as a single mum
He will kill himself
Our child will be emotionally damaged by not having two loving parents

I know it’s all “what ifs” and things outside of my control, but it’s difficult not to worry.

Have any of you managed to co-parent successfully with your abusive ex-partner? Can you give me any words of wisdom?

Thank you.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Soonbefree! I love your name and I’m so glad you are here and posting. You have done such a wonderful job of putting a plan in place to get you and your child away from your husband and his abuse. When I was putting a plan together to leave, I also felt really scared.

The abuse I experienced was pretty identical to what you described- lots of emotional abuse that got progressively worse. Him calling me crazy, saying I’m mentally ill and a danger to him & our kids, saying that I’m an unfit mum even though I was the primary caretaker. Gaslighting me, accusing me of being the abuser. He became physically violent around the time I was making plans to leave. I don’t believe he knew about my plans to leave, but I do believe he could sense he was losing control over me & that’s when the physical abuse started. I left.

Your husband’s abuse has been escalating. Be especially careful & take additional safety measures if you can because some abusers can escalate to physical abuse if they sense their control is slipping. As awful as my ex was I never would have thought he would have assaulted me, until he did. Keep your day to day routine as normal as possible so as to not tip him off that you’re leaving him & come up with a plan B in case he doesn’t go to work that day.

All of your fears are completely understandable. You’ve been emotionally terrorized by your husband and breaking free is frightening. You are doing the right thing & the best thing for you & your child by leaving. You are a good, loving mum for wanting to raise your child in an abuse free household. I was functioning as a single mom long before I left my abuser. Even though we were in the same household, he emotionally abandoned me & my kids. I’m a single mom, but I’m a happier and better single mom now that I’m not living with an abuser & the same will be true for you. You’ll be a single mom, but an even better single mom.

The fear you feel now will not always be as intense as it is in this moment. When I first left I was absolutely terrified all the time. Now, I’m still fearful of my ex because he is an unpredictable, violent, abusive person but the fear is not nearly as intense as it was when I first left. Getting a court order put in place and going through the courts for a custody arrangement helped to lessen my fears too because it gave me some protection. You did the right thing by getting a solicitor & I would encourage you to get a formal custody agreement through the courts if you’re able to. Take advantage of whatever legal protections are available to you now.

I know you mentioned that you plan to give him a few days to cool down after you leave. I wanted to let you know that once you leave, his abuse will likely escalate further & you need to be incredibly careful. Going no contact is a good idea once you leave. Is there a 3rd party he could get in contact with so he doesn’t have to contact you directly re: your child?

I have not been able to successfully coparent with my ex. I learned from the ladies on here that you can’t coparent with an abuser. I recently switched over to using a 3rd party for all contact involving the kids because my ex continued to be abusive when we had face to face contact.

[Eggshells]

Hi Soonbefree

This is fantastic. You are doing brilliantly.

Worrying is natural and it’s even more of an issue when you’ve been with an emotionally abusive partner. They play on your fears and exacerbate them so that you become fearful of every decision you try to make. Once you have stepped out of that relationship, you’ll start standing on your own 2 feet and begin to realise just how very capable you really are. Once you realise that, you will begin to gain confidence in yourself and the decisions you make.

Let’s have a look at your worries.

If someone gets Covid or he doesn’t go to work that day. – Even at the height of the Delta variant only 2% of the nation had Covid at any one time. You’re moving date is a goal. It is a moveable feast. Have a plan in place to notify friends if you can’t move on that day. Ask one of them to cancel the van hire and rebook it again for a couple of weeks in the future.

He will take your child? Please get legal advice on this. He can take and keep your child if he has parental responsibility. You can also keep your child. I would be tempted to do that until legal access is arranged. You will cope as a single Mum. You have been walking a tightrope as a Mum and a partner to an abusive man. Being a single Mum will be a walk in the park compared to what you have been doing. Your child will be extremely damaged if you stay in an abusive relationship. I made the mistake of staying in a relationship (I didn’t see it as abusive at the time; I just knew it was bad). It had a massive impact on my children, so much so, that one of them tried to take his own life when he finally understood the extent of influence his father had, had on his life. The myth that children need to live with a father and a mother ignores so many dynamics. Children need love and the freedom to be comfortable in their own skin without being manipulated by an abusive adult.

Your partners mental health and his life are his own responsibility. He knows that the consequences of suicide are finite. If he chooses to end his life after you move out, that is his decision. As an independent adult, he is free to make any choices he wishes. There will be help for you and your child via counselling to help you both deal with the fallout of your partners choices both past and future.

And that brings me to the final point. You will remain scared of him until you find a way to lose that fear. For me it was EMDR and a very specific technique within that, that diminishes the power of the abuser.

I can’t pretend that this will be easy for you. Abusers make it as hard as they possibly can. There will be highs and lows, positives and negatives.

I am out of my relationship of many decades and I’ll be honest, I’ve had – and am still having some really tough times but I don’t regret my decision to leave. As tough as it is, I have the freedom to be me. For the first time in my life, I don’t walk on eggshells. There’s a whole new level of contentment and relaxation that I have never, ever experienced before. I’m homeless, jobless and penny less and I don’t care because I’m me. That is an amazing feeling. xx

[Soonbefree]

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate your kindness and wisdom xx

[Eyesopening]

Hi Soonbefree,
You have had some really great advice already.
Your so brave to have all this arranged and to be leaving. Keep remembering that and congratulating yourself. It’s the hardest but best thing we will all do.
Just have to comment on the one point: ‘Our child will be emotionally damaged by not having two loving parents’
Please know your child will be safer, happier and at peace away from him. I grew up with an abusive/controlling father, and the results normally are that the child will become an abuser or end up in an abusive relationships themselves, of which I did. I am recently out of it.
I would also add to read up on trauma bonding, it’s good to understand the concept, that really it is like drug withdrawal, to navigate through the waves of emotions you may get after leaving. I absolutely could not have done it it i remained in contact. Zero contact is the only way to escape their abusive tactics.
You got this, keep posting to let us know how you are doing.
x*x

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