4th February 2024 at 8:59 am #165847wildgeeseParticipant
I remember the feeling of dread every (detail removed by Moderator) night that I was going to have to have sex with my ex-husband. He had decided that (detail removed by Moderator) evenings were the evening he wanted it. He made rules about everything else in our marriage – and this was just another one that I felt I had to obey. I felt the dread that I wouldn’t feel up to it and the dread of the anger if I ever said no because he didn’t get what he wanted. It felt like an expectation and a demand as opposed to a loving act.
(detail removed by Moderator) were often a busy for me (dealing with dog, kids, shopping, cleaning) and so I was often exhausted. He expected me to do everything for him that day, as well as everything else, because he felt entitled to be King- lunch (detail removed by Moderator), cooking a meal in the evening etc.
I would find it hard to stay up and so ideally I would have liked to have just had an early night. Sometimes he joined me early, but not always. And so I would often go to bed waiting, knowing that I couldn’t go to sleep because I would have to perform. It was another way in which he exercised control over my life- I couldn’t make decisions of when I didn’t want to have sex or even when I could go to bed.
Sometimes, I said that I would prefer to talk a little bit before hand and he would reluctantly listen but would always be hurrying me along- he wasn’t engaged, but just going through the motions so he could get to doing what he wanted. He would never want to just have a kiss or a cuddle- if it wasn’t sex, it wasn’t worth it.
Not very often, but sometimes I would put a boundary in and say I wasn’t feeling well or I was tired. He would look really annoyed and say something like “You’re always tired!” “You never want to do it these days!”. Then he would give me the silent treatment- he would turn away from me, read his book and refuse to talk to me. I couldn’t sleep knowing he was angry with me.
When I was older and decided that I wanted to work with my cycle as a natural contraception, he became very angry when I put a boundary in at times as I was afraid that having sex when he wanted would result in a pregnancy. He would shout and say things like: “It’s my right to have sex with my wife when I want!”.He wouldn’t accept that I wanted to look after my body in that way- he didn’t think it was fair. I almost felt at times that it would be the end of the relationship- there was something in his tone that made me feel that he would want to leave me. Because of this, he took it out on me- because I put a boundary in which I wasn’t allowed to do, he decided to punish me at times by not initiating sex and ignoring me. I never knew where we were and what the rules were because they would change at a moment’s notice.
4th February 2024 at 10:40 pm #165867tryingtosleepParticipant
I’m sorry these memories continue to trouble you.
Just to say that you are not alone as your comments really resonated with me.
My husband also told me he had a right to sex. He threatened to see a prostitute a few times when I didn’t comply. (He was drunk at the time.)
When he had a vasectomy he told me he was doing it for me.
Are you able to speak to a counsellor about these experiences?
Thinking of you x
5th February 2024 at 7:29 am #165875
Thank you wildgeese for posting your experience..its posts like this that make me feel that ending my long marriage and my guilt at leaving was not wrong ..for couple decades my ex would get angry slam bedroom door if I said I was too tired ..would say I was not too tired for my hobbies I also had work children chores etc at times exhausted ..I didn’t get affection just cuddles because he said I couldn’t leave him frustrated..it had to lead to sex .I used to feel dread hearing him coming to bed although I knew he would never hurt me physically he would pester beg until I felt I had to give in so I didn’t get the anger ,moods nasty comments I tried so long to make things work for the families sake ,we had our first holiday on our own for a special wedding anniversary but he spoilt it saying the holiday was not all about me because I suggested a day trip his idea of holiday was more sex ..one night after I repeatedly said no he wore me down to the point I felt violated and very sad I felt I had no choice but to give in ..it was not until I left and had lots of councilling and told my marriage was sexually abusive it’s still hard to accept that’s what it was ..I’m in a relationship now that I get cuddles affection without being expected for it to lead to sex I can say no without getting anger .
5th February 2024 at 7:39 am #165876
I get this so much if he doesnt have sex every 3 days he gets nasty. He always accuses me of having an affair and sex i think makes him feel that I am his. If i cant have sex then i am expwcted to give him relief in other ways. He asks me to dress up all the time. He never wants to hug or kiss unless its sexual he always touches me and wont take no some days. He likes to get me drunk so i am loser in his words and again gets nasty if i dont. Its always an argument in our house the fact i never want it but hes so selfish ive never enjoyed sex not once in our decades of marriage. When our kids were young if i needed money i would have to have sex for it. He says he misses this now im working and the kids are older.
I hate sex It shouldnt be this way should it?
5th February 2024 at 8:52 am #165877maddogParticipant
My ex husband expressed similar entitlement. Yuck. Rape within marriage became illegal in 1992. It’s absolutely not consensual and riddled with threat and coercion. Rape Crisis is brilliant. You may have a local office which offers support as well. You don’t have to go through this horror alone in real life.
5th February 2024 at 5:22 pm #165887
Its that word though isnt it. Rape its a big word not one id use nor is abuse though.
I struggle with acceptance not sure I will ever believe x
5th February 2024 at 7:02 pm #165888maddogParticipant
I too struggle with the word Rape. In my mind it means being dragged into a bush by a stranger or being held at knife point. Both involve being mashed to a pulp.
The truth is very different. Most rapes happen at home are are perpetrated by a current or former partner. Coercion and veiled threats are far more common than being pinned down and physical violence.Rape is very common in cases of domestic abuse however difficult it is to come to terms with. It’s a big one. It just goes with the territory.
5th February 2024 at 7:38 pm #165891wildgeeseParticipant
Thank you for all your comments. I feel like I’m not alone.
I also feel like it is one of the hardest bits to accept and also to move on from.
I am going to talk to my counsellor about it- which won’t be easy but I am sure it will help me access my feelings about it all.
I feel like there should be more out there for women so that they know what sexual abuse within a marriage actually is. I had no idea. And when i went to my priest- he said nothing about there being any abuse. I now feel like the church I belonged to was actually covering up both the emotional and sexual abuse- to keep me married. It makes me so angry.
6th February 2024 at 7:27 am #165895
So many of us on here are confused about the sexual side of our abusive relationships ..I too still analyse that part of my long marriage and why at the time I didn’t see it for what it was forced sex all I knew is it made me unhappy and anxious so that I fell out of love and came to dread those advances and the nastinessthat came with it if i felt brave and said no ..even after lots of friends councillors telling me it’s not right I cannot seem to move on from how I lived like that for so long it just became a way of life until one day something happenedthat changed everything..and my marriagefinally crumbled I didn’t even see he was controlling until I tried to leave the sexual coercion and control was there all along ..in the job I do women have confided in me similar experiences..but those in healthy relationships have men that would never behave like that ..i have lost a lot and had to find strength to start again but it was worth it to not live like that anymore .
7th February 2024 at 9:38 pm #165922
To me it just feels normal I think thats why its so hard to understand. We normalise it.
I cant seem to believe no matter how hatd I try.
8th February 2024 at 7:17 am #165934
Nbumblebee ..I get how it’s normal for you it was my normal too for decades ..but someone said to me it was a horrible way to live and I think of that too when I struggle ..now I’m out its easier to see but I accept because it was my normal for so long I will struggle to accept my long marriage was abusive x
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