My experiences with abuse.

[Pennyviolet]

Hi all.

This feels so strange to write about what I have experienced like this.

I married my child hood sweet heart young. He began to get physically abusive when he was drunk (which was often!!) and it resulted in him putting me in hospital with broken bones. Obviously couldn’t work for a little while, which had financial implications. I still To this day feel I was so terrible in all my drunken, hysterical and disrespectful antics that I pushed him to do those things. I still don’t think he is a bad person. We were together for the most part of (detail removed by moderator) The pain of our divorce has never left me. Although the relationship ended, I don’t think he treated me as badly as I believed he did at the time, although I know it’s not acceptable to put your wife in hospital. He was always incoherent when he hurt me and sometimes in front of friends. I wish we had seen a counsellor and got help.

Perhaps I look back on my last marriage in this way because my current relationship to my second husband of (detail removed by moderator) is so abusive.

My current husband assaults me if not every day, every other day. He does terrible things that I know are not okay. He blames me for him getting so angry. It upsets me that my personality has this affect on him. I don’t go out anymore because he makes such a big deal out of it. He doesn’t want me to work so I don’t. He thinks my distant learning course is pointless. He rarely is intimate with me and refuses to sleep in bed with me. He says it’s gross that I’m ‘desperate for sex’ as I am a mother now. He makes our daughter sleep in bed with me instead of her own bed. He shakes his head at me all the time and mutters under his breath things I can’t hear. He calls me idiot, stupid, thick, b***h and the worst one I think is ‘dog’. He’s cheated on me and he is always going out doing random thing, and then accusing me of not trusting him. He spends my money without telling me. when our daughter cries or moans and particularly when she has a virus, he is at his worst. I realise she’s coming down with something and I feel selfishly horrible for myself, as I know it is going to be a bad time – he tells me I’m a c**p mum. ‘Why can’t you make her happy? It’s your job to make her happy’. He doesn’t sit with me in evenings and isolates himself watching telly. He has never helped me with our daughter, got up in the night, made a bottle, etc. He calls me an alcoholic or a ‘lush’, even though because of him I rarely drink anymore. He speaks to me rudely. He never says I look nice. At his worst, he’s been very violent and straight away denied the enormity of what he’s done.

He spends every weekend with his ex wife and my stepdaughter . When I vocally feel put out by it and want to be included as my step—daughter’s extended family, he has a go at me. He doesn’t let our daughter see her older half sister. He has never introduced me to his family. I introduced myself when our daughter was born. He very clearly doesn’t love me. When I beg him to leave me …. he just won’t. He has physically hurt me many times, more than I can count. He tells me it’s my fault as I ‘didn’t stop ‘ but I don’t know what i have to stop. I get so confused .

I don’t think he’d hurt our daughte, but he’s never alone with her. I make sure of it. Unfortunately , I came to this forum with concerns, because she has recently began hitting me and pulling my hair when having a normal toddler tantrum. I think this is because she’s seen her dad do this to me and so I am beginning to worry.

I feel like I cannot leave him. First of all, he’d never leave me, I know that. second of all, I still hope he will change back to the man he was when we got together – who made me feel so special and loved and we were so happy. I wish I could go back to those days.
I am terrified of anyone in my life finding out . I am terrified of writing this in the open. I hope no one i know sees it. What do I do? I’m not ready to leave him but I am so shocked at my usually affectionate daughter hitting me. I am definitely being abused. I know that. But I can’t leave I just can’t.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Pennyviolet,

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is definitely abuse 100%. It sounds like you have normalised it and blame yourself for example saying it was your fault your 1st husband beat you (it wasn’t) and that your personality causes the current abuse (it doesn’t). Nothing you could do would make one of these men change because they choose to behave this way to gain power and control. Look up the Power and Control wheel and the Cycle of Abuse in google and see if it resonates with you.

The ladies on the helpline are great to talk things through with without any pressure. Can you give them a call at a safe time when he’s out? They are often busy but can ring you back at a safe time. The choice to stay or go is yours but it sounds pretty bad especially as your daughter is now picking up his behaviour. It’s important to know that abuse always escalates so please put yours and your daughter’s safety first.

I’m sad to say the man you met at the beginning wasn’t real, they put on a mask to draw us in. My ex was the same, seemed perfect and loving and wonderful at first but a violent misogynist was underneath the false mask.

You deserve so much more than this and there is life after abuse so keep sharing and read some of the other stories here and see what you think.

[shine bright 2]

Hi pennyviolet,
I’ve been on this forum a long while and have got lots of help from it. I don’t often post advise because I don’t feel I’m very good at it, but your post was so hea wrenching I wanted to respond.
It is striking that you say you “think” that he won’t harm your daughter. I thought that too. I thought he was different with the kids. One day the kids broke something he had the lined up against the wall with an extension cable wrapped rou d his hand ready to beat them how he did me. But even if he is not directly going to hurt she is provably seeing or hearing stuff.
It took me long a lo g Rome to leave my husband. I was married to him from late teens and felt I had so much to loose I I left him.
When I left I lost literally everythi g except my kids.
The police picked us up and took us and we have no contact with anyone from our old life. I left a job I loved and an area I grew up in.
It was the best thing I ever did. Imagine alive where you don’t have to tred on egg shells, where you ate not a b***h or a w***e,where you can do what you choose. I couldn’t even imagine it at first. I didn’t thinl I could survive on my own, but we are happy and safe.
I used to be like you I was terrified of people knowing. Even when I typed on here I felt like I ha to whisper, bit telling people set me free.
Lots of people say you have one life
..I don’t believe this…but you have one chance to raise your kids and spend time with them. I feel like so.e of my time with my kids was stolen by my ex because he told me I was a c**p mum or be cause he demanded so much attention that I was exhausted. Now I can love and care for them and we can spend time without fear.

The first time I reported him and the first time I spoke to WA was hard but they were the first step to escape. There are probably a few people around who would say they thought I would never leave him.someone on here even said they would worried be would kill me before I got out.

You sound like such a good and smart person..your life could be so much more. I loved my husband …by I’ll say it again leaving a loveless violent marriage was the best think I did.

[shine bright 2]

Lots of typos…stupid phone!

[Author]

Posts