My eyes have been opened, still struggling with the new vision

[Hebe]

After many years of marriage and putting myself aside, taking what I know understand is gaslighting – I had to look that up – I took the first steps to leave my home, husband and to rebuild my life in a safe place. Naturally, there has been a lot of stuff in between. My GP saved me, as I wept over the phone, the GP said(detail removed by moderator) And that is how my recovery began. I got help from an organisation, the council and some counselling, which now I have moved has all stopped.
That’s part of the problem I think, when you have relocated, suddenly there is an enormous gap because you still need support. Eventually, I have plucked up courage to reach out. I tried a webchat for the first time and that’s what led me here. I am so grateful that there is support out there.
My friends have been amazing, work has given me space and yet I still find I am so low and emotional, barely functional. Why? Because the man I left is still finding ways to manipulate me and I foolishly permit it. As a recovering survivor, the habits of years of grooming, means it is so easy to regress. As I said on the webchat, there are times of strength and clarity at others I am tortured mentally with doubt, guilt and do not trust myself.
And then I tell myself, I have the right to say no, I have the right to change my mind and I have a right to have a life where I am not at the beck & call of someone who has made no positive contribution to my life. To denigrate, ridicule, insult me, never mind to spy on me with trackers, CCTV, (detail removed by moderator) monitor all incoming telephone calls, drive my family, my daughter, my friends away so there is an empty landscape with just me and him. What sort of person does that to another?
So painfully, slowly, I took steps and slowly woke up to the danger I was in, even that had to be shown to me. (detail removed by moderator) – although never acted upon. But all this normalised the attitude. And as I read in other posts, he never worked, never contributed financially and there was I working like a trojan, and having to ask for some of my own money. What a fool I have been, really. I have been used and I have allowed it, but no more. I have a safe place, a little bit of heaven. I have started divorce proceedings which he doesn’t like, he wants me to still be his wife. I want to be me and not seen as an object, something which is owned, commanded, and enslaved.
So, you ask, why am I so tortured, I seem to know what I want? Because he is in poor health,(detail removed by moderator). I couldn’t do anything to persuade him to seek medical attention, he always said(detail removed by moderator)etc etc and so it is almost too late, with (detail removed by moderator).
So he is (detail removed by moderator) because he has no-one else, as he has no friends, family, there is just me. I have been bombarded with texts, emails at all hours of the day & night, he won’t speak to his support workers and has used me to relay messages or to receive them.

(Detail removed by moderator), I reached a crisis, I just couldn’t take any more so reset the boundaries and pushed it back to his support workers. And I feel guilty, am I being unkind? Morally, I feel I should, I ought to help him as a human being, but on the other hand I open myself to abuse and have, even by this act of humanity.
Your thoughts on this my first post, thank you 🙂

[Eyesopening]

Hey H**e,
I’m still in the process of leaving, so I can’t give much advice, but would like to say a few things which may help.
I’m sorry for your situation, but WOW you sound so strong, I admire your strength to keep your boundaries in such hard circumstances. That’s really something to be proud of. Reading this from outside, I do not for one second think you did anything wrong/unkind.

This is totally me problem too: ‘there are times of strength and clarity at others I am tortured mentally with doubt, guilt and do not trust myself.’
I think when I realized that so many others are feeling the exact same way from reading these forums, it makes me realize, it’s totally normal and I can accept it and be at peace with these emotions. Rather then fight them and let them get me down.

Keep posting and reading on here, it’s so helpful, I had read lots of books, watched YouTube vids, but coming here was when I really started to make progress.

[Hebe]

Hi Eyesopening,

If anything I have posted gives you encouragement in your situation, then I feel I have done something useful. If emotionally intelligent and sentient people measure themselves and if there is nothing to check the moral compass, how do we know what is right? If, as it seems, we have accepted poor treatment in the past, then to check the horizon and to find actually, we’re upside-down, we can at least adjust it.

I check & re-check my actions and then become frozen with indecision. In the end, it is about taking that first small step and living with the decision. Not the judgement that we put on ourselves.

Thank you so much for your endorsement.

I agree with you, being connected on this forums is so helpful. More helpful than I thought and also less scary because here there are people who understand and know what it is like even if their situation is different.

Take care of yourself, you will get there, the first step is the hardest and you’ve already done it, your eyes are open. 🙂

[nbumblebee]

Firstly how amazing are you for seeing the signs and acting in them how brave how amazjng and how strong you are. I am also one who chooses to stay with their husband so dont have alot of advice but I have an opinion and I believe you are doing whats best for you, you have got to lush yourself foward and keep on taking those steps to recovery and seeing him again i dont believe will help you at all. I do not at all believe you are being unkind in any way In my opinion you are doing wjat you need to do to survive to live a life you truely deserve to live. This forum is ace the ladies on here have so much knowledge and advice you should have a good read through some of the posts. See how strong you have been and still are and keep on believing in yourself.
Sorry I have no other advice but sending you hugs x

[gettingtired]

Sorry if I repeat anything that’s already been said as I haven’t had a chance to read the comments on this post. I’m still in the process of leaving so don’t feel like I can give you much advice with regards to recovery but I’d say you’ve absolutely done the right thing in setting your boundaries and letting his support workers deal with him now. I understand why you’d feel guilty as we’ve all been conditioned to with these abusers but he is not your responsibility. The fact that you get further abuse and manipulation from interaction with him is even more reason to cut him off. It’s time to put yourself first and you sound really strong/positive. Well done X*x

[Hebe]

Thank you all so much nbumblebee & gettingtired, you are all so right, and don’t apologise for repeating anything – sometimes we have to hear the positive things to remove the negative which get lodged so easily. And do you know what is so powerful? Not only your words and thoughts, but also seeing it written down. When you reflect on what has been written, it does become clearer. I realise everyone has their own situation to deal with in the way they need to and there is no single solution for each situation. It took years to fully acknowledge what was wrong, that being said there were some things right too at times. I love the hugs, just the tonic and I will keep reading the other posts as there is so much here to help.
Hugs to each of you 🙂 X

[nbumblebee]

@H**e you say things so well and you write and explain your feelings in a way I could only dream of. You are a very bright and amazing lady hold on to that and be proud of who you are and how far you have come. More hugs sent your way Thank you for sharing xxxx

[Hebe]

Oh, thank you so much nbumblebee, I am absorbing all this positivity, after feeling that the world had lost its colour and was fogged out, to now see, as you say, how far I have come. It is from a very different place now than where I was and I am so grateful and blessed to have found support. It’s been good to share. Hugs all round 🙂 x

[Wants To Help]

Hi H**e,

You have done amazingly well to get yourself out of your abusive situation, well done, keep on this track.

How often do we see thought provoking, inspirational quotes on social media that are designed to help us with out mental health? The posts that tell us to cut the negative people out of our lives, cut out the ones that bring us down, hold us back etc. We are encouraged to do this for our own wellbeing and sanity. If this man is bringing you down, making you ill, holding you back, abusing you, you have every right to walk away and put yourself first.

I have highlighted a paragraph of your opening post below as this jumped out at me…

So, you ask, why am I so tortured, I seem to know what I want? Because he is in poor health,(detail removed by moderator). I couldn’t do anything to persuade him to seek medical attention, he always said(detail removed by moderator)etc etc and so it is almost too late, with (detail removed by moderator).
So he is (detail removed by moderator) because he has no-one else, as he has no friends, family, there is just me. I have been bombarded with texts, emails at all hours of the day & night, he won’t speak to his support workers and has used me to relay messages or to receive them.

Cast your mind back… Was he tortured when you were struggling because of his behaviour when you were with him? When you had no one else, no family, no friends, because he’d isolated you, did he care? You tried to persuade him to seek medical help, but he refused. The fact he refused is not your fault. You had no friends or family, but now you have escaped, you are finding support and new friends. You have had to make a new life. Did he help you do that? No he didn’t. You did that yourself. He can do it too, if he wants to. You are NOT his support system. He is fully capable of finding his own, if he wants to. If he doesn’t want to, it doesn’t put the onus back on you to be it. That’s what he’s counting on you see, the guilt. He’s playing his little-boy-lost, woe is me card, and you are starting to fall for it. STOP IT NOW.

Walking away from an abuser means literally that. It’s like when people get Non Mol Orders and Protection from Harassment Orders, they really are there to stop ALL contact – not some contact, or just the nasty stuff. These orders criminalise ordinary behaviour. These orders make sending a ‘Happy Birthday’ message illegal. The contact is as final as if they have died. That’s the message they are designed to send; you are dead to me, I do not want to hear from you in any way ever again. Unfortunately, when children are involved, these orders become harder to enforce.

So you walking away from him is like sending the same message. You are out of the relationship, you have moved on in your life, he is in your past, you are not parting as friends, you are not responsible for any part of him or his health conditions moving forward. Ignore the messages he is sending. Make your message and mission clear that you are not interested and will not respond to his demands.

Living with that guilt of leaving someone in a position of struggle / unhappiness / sadness etc is something that we have to learn to live with. It will ease in time, but it’s natural for caring people to feel these emotions. We are caring people. That’s why we put up with the abusive behaviour for so long. Over a decade out of my abusive relationship I will hear how my ex is now struggling with things after yet another break up with yet another wife. I agree, he is struggling, and I wouldn’t want to be in the situation he is currently in, but then again, he’s only in that situation because he never changed his ways. I may have felt a little bit of sympathy for what he is going through, but that’s it. And that’s because I’m a caring person. To not feel something at all for what he’s going through would make me a very cold and callous person indeed.

You have to learn to love yourself more than you love/loved him. You cannot improve his life, you can improve yours even more than you already have. You can move forward much quicker once you unshackle the dead weight that is attaching itself to your ankle. You have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about at all. He has choices too, it’s up to him if he chooses wisely or not.

Good luck x

[Hebe]

Oh well said Wants to Help, yes, and again, it’s the reflection of the words that helps so much. Wow, wow, wow! I think sometimes I have been carrying the weight so long, I forgotten what it feels like to be unburdened. When I had a counselling session, the polyvagal response was mentioned. What is that said I? The opportunity to talk in a safe setting to share the story and to hear your peers’ thoughts and to be comforted, supported. This forum is awesome. I am feeling more uplifted from the depths. Thank you x

[ISOPeace]

Hi H**e, I can understand that you feel obligated to look after him. He spent many years convincing you that his needs were more important than his and that to stay safe you had to put his needs first. It sounds like he still has that power over you and is using it to his benefit.

It is human nature to want to help other people, but helping other people should feel good. It should not feel like you’re giving away part of yourself, that’s self sacrifice. Nobody has a moral obligation to help somebody else at the expense of their own wellbeing. Imagine your husband needed regular blood transfusions and convinced you that it was too difficult to find anyone else to give blood (silly I know, but bear with me). The amount you give won’t kill you, but over time it will seriously affect your health and quality of life. Would you think it was your duty to do what he wants or would it be ok to tell him that he needs to get help through the NHS?

Your emotional wellbeing is just as important as your physical wellbeing. I know it’s not easy to say no to someone who has spent years controlling you. But please try not to feel duty bound to help him. Sending love xxxx

[Hebe]

Thank you ISOPeace, a very good analogy.

Emotional wellbeing is often overlooked and really it is the key to all things healthy. I had ignored all my own needs and desires to my detriment, it is true. I never heard an apology, no acknowledgement of my needs or if there was something it had some catch to it.

And yes, although the myth of his power over me still exists in my mind, physically there is none. It was the shock of hearing of his health issues that caused my defences to crumble.

I need to relearn the ‘no’ and my goal is to rebuild my self-esteem and assertiveness. The waves of doubt are strong at times, and the lows are very low. I tell myself, it will get better. It just takes time for the fog to lift, the pain to ease. While I pace, and cry, I reflect on what I have achieved.

The strengthening messages from family and friends give solace. It’s the quiet hours where the doubts live loudest, but each day that passes they are less insistent and for shorter times. Like a bereavement, reminders and anniversaries will signpost the passage of time, and steadily it will become less raw.

I was overcome with relief by the message from his support worker, so supportive, non-judgmental and kind. It rests with me to stay strong, to resist the urge to drop everything to answer his needs. So subtly started, until I’m hooked and played. There is a horrible fascination of the process once it’s realised and the cycle begins again. He relies on me to respond in the way he thinks I will, and I have to reset that. I have stopped explaining as it will never end. No means no, goodbye is goodbye and the divorce proceedings are inextricably rolling onwards.

Thank you for your thoughts and words.
love & hugs x

[Watersprite]

You write so beautifully h**e your words move me to tears. You are so brave the fog will lift the good days will slowly outweigh the bad. No contact I’m afraid he has made his bed he is not your problem anymore and you know he has support he chose to be abusive to you and you are choosing freedom. Keep going you are doing amazingly! X

[Hebe]

Thank you Watersprite, I am deeply moved by your response and your message. I was buoyed up (detail removed by moderator) and then came crashing down with a phone call and voicemail then an email. I didn’t answer the phone, I listened to the voicemail and sent a email reply(detail removed by moderator). Hearing his voice broke me, I stayed resolute but felt such anguish and sorrow for his physical pain.

I pushed on with the busyness of the day and got myself focussed on what I needed to do. I hold the messages from you all in my head, and repeat what is at the heart of them, gosh it is so simple but so difficult! His life is his responsibility, mine is mine.

I am so thankful that I am who and what I am as I cannot imagine what it is like to be so lacking in thought for anyone else and the concern is purely for oneself. It is quite a shock to realise that the level of selfishness is so extreme, that as a person I don’t exist at all.

It was a trivial probe (detail removed by moderator) which then made me feel angry because he pushed me and I responded, not entirely as he wanted, but I did respond. I didn’t pass with flying colours. I have to be strong enough to block the calls & texts now. I hesitate. What if? I know if I make the decision, I will be released. So, as I write, I’ve done it. I feel very scared of the repercussions. But it is done.

And, guess what, today’s down did pass, with all the extra cushioning that you have all given so freely and kindly. I didn’t cry buckets, just a cupful – that’s a bonus 🙂 Might be a mountain, but have made it to a resting point to take a look at how far I’ve travelled and the view is inspiring.

Hugs & love all round x

[Author]

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