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My younger sister messaged me a couple of days ago, solely to tell me she can’t out up with my lies any more. I was diagnosed with PTSD recently and I shared that with her in confidence.
She has told me I am making a mockery of women who have suffered and that I’ll never get well if I continue lying to myself.
It made me so upset that I have been physically sick. My ex, the abuser, used to make me think I was losing my grip on reality and not seeing things how they were happening. It feels as though he is still doing that through her.
My parents won’t get involved and think I should just forget she said it and move on. How can I? I can’t get it out of my head. She is my sister. What did I do wrong?
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Hey there. You did nothing wrong. Sadly there are people who will never understand the complexities of domestic abuse and that the aftermath of leaving can often be more terrifying than when we are with our abusers. Try not to take it to heart. Try to surround yourself with people who are supportive and encouraging. It might be the helpline or other agencies to begin with. Look for support and when you meet ignorance, put some distance until you’re healed enough to ignore these people’s opinion. You know what you lived through. Hang in there x
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I agree with Kip, it can be surprising and very painful how others react to what happened to us. I find that a lot of people, including friends and family, don’t get it and don’t want to know. The public in general is very ignorant about domestic abuse as it is not talked about enough and everyone just thinks it is getting a black eye, they don’t understand the psychological side of it.
Definitely stay true to yourself, you don’t want to be gaslighted and bullied by another person now that you are free of the abuser. It might be best to give your sister some space and let the dust settle, obviously only you will know the situation but a number of things could be happening to make her react like that, such as she could be under the abuser’s spell and defending him like a flying monkey, or she could have experienced abuse herself and be in denial about it, or any number of things. (detail removed by Moderator) there is a lot of emotion and anger and fear flying around and a lot of the time it has more to do with them than you.
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I know how you feel sugarskull. My family don’t get it either and prefer to bury their heads in the sand and it really hurts.
How I see it is if our family supported us we would never have got in such a mess, it’s don’t to lack of support.
Like kip said put some distance until you are healed and block out the unhelpful noise.
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My Mum, who has been very supportive of me in getting out, is adamant that what I need to do is forgive my abuser and basically sweep everything he did under the carpet while looking at my own faults in order to be a better girlfriend in the future. It’s so terribly depressing. She had a similar reaction when I became chronically ill – it couldn’t be a chronic illness, I was either lazy or needed a new diagnosis, but she did finally accept that my problems were genuine. My strategy at the moment is that every time she brings up my faults I tell her another delightful anecdote about an incidence of abuse. They are building up now and she refers less and less to the good times that there must have been. I am hopeful that eventually she will accept that I was abused. But it is hard work. My heart goes out to you SugarSkull. I hope that things get better. Try to stay true to yourself.
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Hi Sugarskull,
I refuse to tell any of my family the whole truth. My sister is and always has been very confident. I’m quite the opposite. I know she’d never understand why I stayed. All I will tell her is he’s very controlling and lies to me. They all know I’ve had enough and I’m leaving. My sister tells me she’ll support my decision, but to wait and think very carefully, not to make any rash decisions I will regret. I can’t tell her, I just have to accept she could never understand because we’re so different. How could she ever understand? She’s never been shy, never lacked confidence, always thinks of herself in the equation when making decisions. She’s not a selfish person, just doesn’t neglect her own needs. How could she possibly understand I stayed to give my sons the best start in life, because he convinced me that he’d tell everyone I was mentally unstable and I’d lose them. I’m still worried people won’t believe me, they will believe him that I’m paranoid. My eldest son is starting to believe him. I know it hurts when family don’t believe you. I tried to keep everything hidden, whereas he went around telling people how worried he was about me, thought I needed help!! I try not to blame them, if I’d spoken up and not been so scared and ashamed maybe things would be different. I didn’t, so I just keep the bad stuff to myself. It works for me, I’m not saying it’s the right way or best way, but the only way I’ve coped over the past 3 decades is to deal with things my way so I can deal with it. Maybe if you talk to someone on the helpline or a counsellor they can help you find another way of looking at it and find a way to deal with it that works for you. Whatever you do don’t let it eat you up or make you feel bad about yourself. You know what you’ve been through, you found a way to survive and the strength to leave. That’s what matters, don’t let your family make you feel bad about it. They probably just can’t handle it or understand it. Would we if we hadn’t lived through it? You’ve been through hell, survived and can rebuild your life. Try to focus on that maybe. Definitely try to chat to the brilliant ladies on the helpline, they’ve helped me think about things I was really struggling with in a different way, from a different perspective and it’s helped so much
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