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Hi everyone, I’ve had this relationship for (detail removed by moderator) months and at first it was brilliant. It started to change with little things, him wanting to read my emails, not liking my friends. He always told me he hated liars and never lied himself. He moved in very quickly and then moved all his stuff in too. His work dried up and he began to rely on me financially. He’s always drank and it was getting heavier and I would drink too. He would go on and on about his exes and how badly they treated him. He would never sit down with me in the evening being busy on the laptop which he couldn’t do in the lounge because of the lighting. We would argue and lose our tempers and he would hit me or pull my hair out or try to throttle me and then blame me for losing it. I actually believed him! Then the other week he started again and I told him I’d had enough. I told him to go and after a while he did, leaving me with a b****y nose. Next day he leapt outat me and was raging. I got out and called the police who arrested him. He’s now on bail and I’ve been living in fear of him coming back and yet I miss him. I don’t want to be a victim and I don’t understand my feelings.
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Hi and welcome Worthmore to the Forum. Great name you are worth more and don’t let his behaviour and what he says to you make you believe otherwise.
Your relationship is classic patterns of behaviour when the other half is an abuser. They idealise us the discard us. The beginnings of your relationship you describe is the seduction/love-bombing/grooming/honeymoon part of the relationship. They do this to get us hooked/addicted into the relationship so we will stay and have hope (when they start hurting us and discarding/rejecting/ subjecting us to silent-treatments etc) that things will revert back to the good phase of the relationship.
Google the Cycle of Abuse and google Power and Control wheel. You will see his behaviours and patterns are typical and none of this is your fault.
Missing him even though he has hurt you badly is normal feelings that we all felt. Its the trauma bond. Those feelings will lessen with time. If you can don’t fight those feelings, try to let them be and they will leave you sooner. Posting on here about the missing and longing for him feelings and the fear feelings will lessen their hold on you.
This is very early days and very hard for you so use all the supports you can. This Forum and Women’s Aid. It will get easier with time. You’ve done the right thing in ending the abusive relationship. It will never get better only worse.
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Hi Worthmore,
Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased to see that you have already had some good support. I just wanted to back up what lover of no contact has already said, ending any relationship is very hard, let alone one that has emotional and physical abuse. How you are feeling is very normal. You are not to blame and his behaviour was not your fault. Please phone the helpline and get plenty of support from them and your local Women’s Aid group. The Freedom Program might also be really helpful to you. They can help you to identify abusive behaviour and they are often very supportive environments. If you are in fear the helpline can also help you to safety plan, the Police might also have a service when they can come to your property and check how safe it is. You could also consider going in to a refuge or changing where you live if you wish to.
We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Do not go anywhere near him. These men are most dangerous when we try to end the relationship. Have you spoken to the police? I would report his assault and get a non molestation order. Throttling you is one step away from murder. He is very dangerous. Please ring the helpline number on here. He has shown you his true colours. Believe him.
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Hi Worthmore,
Your ex has displayed the typical traits of an abuser. The wonderful women here have unjustly had to suffer life with a similar partner.
It takes us a while to cut the ties from our abuser- even if we have been the one to end the relationship. They have made us confused in our thinking, and because they tried to blame us rather than take responsibility for their own behaviour, our confidence has dropped and we question our own thoughts and out worth.
But as your name says, we are worth more. These abusers should never be allowed to get into relationships!
I know that I don’t want to be with anyone else yet, because I’m not ready. Any partner would have too much baggage to deal with atm, and it wouldn’t be fair on them. An abuser has no such qualms: they don’t think twice about venting their poison onto another person.
It will take time to heal. I couldn’t have got through my experience without support from Women’s Aid, my local outreach group, counselling, etc. I would say it’s important to reach out to such things.
For your own safety, stay away from him. He sounds very dangerous x
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That is not your fault…blame for verbal and physical abuse is common from people like this. It is never their fault, they do nothing wrong, and you are the problem in the relationship.
If you asked my partner who was to blame for any issues he would answer me in a heartbeat. He would insist he is a wonderful, caring, and loving man and I am “trouble”. I also feel to blame for things, which is why I have such a hard time leaving. I love him A LOT and I want things to work out but I know deep down he is abusive, and he will always be verbally abusive. I read a statistic in several places that it takes an abuse victim almost 6 to 7 times to leave their abuser. Why? because abuse is SO powerful. It cripples the mind and makes you truly believe that you need this person.
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