My fault

[Alittlelost]

Ive finally realised i need a get out plan. Last few days ive tried talking with friends about how he effects me by what he does.
They are all just responding angrily at me. Saying i shouldnt be upset because they all sigguested years ago i should leave as its abusive. One tried tell me its my own fault and now i feel like a terrible person.
Now im thinking i should just give up on the exit plan if no ones going to support me and just be angry with me. Im hurting, im angry. I have just opened my eyes to his behaviour and they just say well we told u so years ago, deal with it yourself.

I have mental health support needs (detail removed by moderator). I cant cope going it alone. I cant. I fear telling proffessionals incade its taken out my control. I have huge fears of my control being lost. Far to many people have hurt me over my life. I need control over this exit plan. I will be classed as a vulnerable adult though.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Alittlelost

Very good of you to decide to leave him, it is absolutely the right choice and your friends should support you. They have no idea how difficult it is to recognise when being in an abusive relationship, how very selfish of them to take this attitude of I told you so, this isn’t helpful at all, they better shut up and help you. Try to find out if any of them can get on board to help you or not? I would stay clear of the one saying it’s your fault, no need for such unsupportive person at this point in your life. Getting out of an abusive relationship is difficult enough and the timing is incredibly bad of course but you’ll see who you true friends are now. Keep notes of it, who’s there for you in your hour of need and who isn’t. This will help you rebuilding a healthy new life for yourself going forward.

Also I want to tell you it is absolutely NOT your fault, his abuse is his responsibility alone. It is NOT your fault for not getting out sooner, how can you when you are not seeing it as being abusive? It is NOT your fault, nothing is. You have done nothing wrong, you are being abused and now this can stop.

I understand your fear of having the control taken out of your hands, keep on shouting ( not literally) what I mean is stand firm on what you wish to do and they’ll have to respect your choices and decisions otherwise it can be seen as state or professional bullying.

When you are calling Women’s Aid they will leave you in charge, they know abusers are telling us constantly what to do so they certainly won’t take the control away from you, on the contrary they will empower you.
They also won’t tell you to leave him, you absolutely decide if and when you decide to leave the relationship.

For now, please call the helpline and discuss a safe exit plan. Do NOT tell him anything about leaving and making plans. Keep your routine as usual and use the grey rock method when dealing with him (not engaging emotionally, keeping neutral, replying with ‘you don’t know’ to any of his questions, staying boring etc).
Do not tell any mutual friends either in case they leak the info to him.

You’ll be in control of your life going forward, even as a vulnerable adult professionals still will have to take your wishes into account.
Take it step by step, slow and steady, you can do this.
Keep posting here for support

[Alittlelost]

Thanks for ur support. Im going to a drop in session with womans aid this morning. Im very nervous. I cant stop crying and i hate crying in front of people. Ive cried more in past week than i have in my entire life. ( i wasnt allowed to cry as a child)

I hope they can help and let me take things slow. Thank you so much for your kind reply. It has helped so much.

[KIP.]

Well done for contacting women’s aid. They were fantastic with me. Took everything slowly, made sure I was safe, didn’t make me do anything I wasn’t ready to do. Found support for me in housing. You’re doing the right thing. Well done x

[hop]

Well done, I hope that you find hope at your appointment. You’re much stronger than you imagine. You’ll definitely find out who your real friends are and people who are blaming you and giving it the “I told you so” c**p aren’t friends. If they can’t support you….you just don’t need people like that in your life! You’re worth so much more.

[Alittlelost]

Im here sat waiting to be seen. I feel a bit out of place. Maybe im just being over dramatic about my situation.

[HopeLifeJoy]

You’re so brave, look at you, you took action by organising support AND allowing yourself to cry, this is huge honey!!you can very proud of yourself, I am very proud of you for sure.
How did your meeting go? Were they nice to you? Did you feel supported and heard?
Take it easy today darling, you just took an enormous step, reward yourself, treat yourself with something nice. Sending you big hugs 💕

[Alittlelost]

It was very quick appointment as it was a drop in session and sadly so many women needing to be seen. She told me what help there was. I had no idea what i wanted so she gunna call me monday. She said she can call me everyday to check in. She wants me to use like crisis team for my mental health.

I feel like i may been a bit unintentionally defencive to her and may come across rude. I have major trust issues but she promises me she wont do the offical forms for abuse. I did eventually at the end give her my real name so she can read previous marac notes.

I brought cake and milkshake after. My pet is comforting me now. ( i will have leave the pet behond and im heart broken) i must nap now im so drained.

Thanks for ur support.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Ok this sounds really positive, you’ve been taken seriously, use her support to the fullest, you’ve made the first step, now it will be easier.
I know about coming across rude or defensive, I tend to be too, then I apologised later for being insensitive, the support does understand the defensiveness and trust issues more than you think, they know we have our fists out ready to push back and not ready to open up and want to keep our control over what will happen next.

Good of you to have treated yourself, it makes me hungry now, got to eat something too.
You’ll find a solution for your pet. Tell your support worker about it.

Have a good nap, rest well lovely 💕

[sherrybelle]

Hello
It’s not easy.. Take one step at a time. I tried leaving my abusive relationship many times but kept going back. When I finally knew deep down that I had to get out or I’d waste my life my daughter didn’t believe that I would do it. She’d heard it too many times.
Have faith in yourself, like me and many other women who know exactly what you’re going through, you can do it.
Women’s Aid is an amazing organisation. Accept their support and allow them to help you. X

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