My first post – he’s gone off the wall again, I need to leave

[WhiskyRose]

Hi,

This is my first post, so feeling a little anxious about everything as it’s taken a long time it admit the abuse and now I can’t not see it (plus it’s escalating pretty bad), but it’s something else entirely reaching out about it and doing something about it.

I live with my partner(ex partner?) in a house we own together so it’s hard to just leave. I know I need to leave, the anxiety and egg shell trending has reached a stage where it’s affecting me mentally and physically, the anxiety/panic attacks are the worst.

I don’t know who I’m going to get from 1 hour to the next. What really gets me is the level of aggression and hatred in his voice when he’s on one, the criticism and insults I can handle but it’s that tone, almost spitting the words I just can’t handle.

Yesterday’s episode sums it up: He hasn’t spoke to me for a week this time, he comes and sits down and immediately says ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ and starts a conversation about how I am not happy and it’s not working. I agree, and say we are both not happy and I still love him and have those feelings but realise we can’t continue in the cycle we have as it’s not healthy.

He continues this conversation very calmly, saying it (detail removed by moderator). He agrees to behaving like adults and sorting things out. I ask him how he feels, and bam. Out of no where he just says he is (detail removed by moderator) (no specific actions just me in general I guess!) and he’s (detail removed by moderator).

Soon goes to insulting, name calling, shouting, utter contempt and I feel like s**t again. Later that evening he comes into the (detail removed by moderator) where I am on my own and starts being nice again, playing with the (detail removed by moderator) that he usually ignores, asking what i’m doing.

This morning he comes down (we are in separate rooms for quite a while now) and starts being super aggressive, saying things to try and catch me out on timings like (detail removed by moderator). He then starts saying everyone (detail removed by moderator) and more.

It ended with him storming out of the house. It just makes me feel sick, though all along I was waiting for him to leave 🙁 Sorry for the rant, I’m having a really hard time with this

[Bananaboat]

So sorry to hear this. Funnily enough my evening was very similar to yours and gosh it’s exhausting. One minute we’re done the next he’s being nice as pie like we’re still together. I’m not in your shoes but can you start things re the house, are you waiting for him to? If there’s anything you can take control of for yourself maybe start there? Otherwise keep safe and record incidents somewhere. Good luck

[Wants To Help]

Hi WhiskyRose,

I remember those days very well indeed 🙁 One moment you are absolutely determined that you need to leave the relationship and have every intention of doing so, the next, he’s okay and reasonable again, and you think your relationship has ‘turned a corner’ and you can carry on, only to find it all goes to pot again a few hours later and you’re back to wanting to leave. You live in this constant turmoil of not knowing what to do for the best.

Leaving for good the first time you do leave is quite rare, so if this is not something you have the energy to do, is there anywhere you can go to in order to give yourself some head space for a few days to think things through for the longer term? You are not going to be able to think clearly at all whilst you are in the same house as him as he’ll just change his behaviour and move the goal posts all the time. I remember one occasion when I just upped and left and went and stayed at a cheap hotel for the night to give myself a break from my abuser. I went back home the next day, but I just needed to get away and think about things and what options I had.

Your partner is not going to change. You know what you are getting from him, and this is what your life is going to be like, or worse. If he is not supportive, nurturing, considerate, if his actions don’t make you feel safe, loved, secure, then he never will do. You do not mention children, so I hope this is not a factor that complicates your decisions.

If you are able to find some private time to do some research about your options then I would recommend this, even if it’s a few hours away from the house during the day. Use a computer at the library or at a friend’s house to research your rights, look up some solicitors and find ones who give some free advice sessions, research domestic abuse and how the cycle of abuse works, speak to a DA support worker in your local area. Everything is overwhelming at first as there is a lot of information out there to help you, so take it in stages that you are comfortable with. Alternatively, if you do have the emotional strength to up and leave and you have somewhere to go to, then take that leap of faith and do it. There is a better life out there for you, one that is free of abuse.

Good luck x

[Plodding]

Hi whiskey rose
Oh my goodness this is so familiar. The feeling sick and rollercoaster of emotions and constant questioning when things seem better . I’m in it right now in fact it been a week if niceness for me and and thinking “ooh maybe he has changed “ but I know from previous times something will be said, il “put a foot wrong “ and bam! Lots of accusations projecting gaslighting … it really isn’t u and it’s all a game for him I need to tell myself this aswell . Iv had conversations like u which start fairly calm and I try to be as brief as I can but they have a way of dragging more out like wanting examples saying they don’t understand I’m not this person u think I am la la la and they look so convincing ! So clever . Mine said he was leaving when I’d challenged him and tried to talk things through, he left for work and left me feeling like s**t and questioning myself again .he knows what he is doing, it’s deliberate and he chooses to do it . I feel so much more educated about this after speaking to wa and reading
Take care x

[HunkyDory]

Please leave as soon as you can. His behavior is escalating dangerously and it can (and probably will) get worse.

I had this a number of times and finally split after he put me in hospital.

You can sort the legal stuff around the house later. Just get out when you can and stay with family or friends – please speak with women’s aid to formulate a safe exit – they are at their most dangerous when they think they’ve lost control so don’t tell him your plans to leave. Don’t tell him where you are. Cut off all contact, block him everywhere because he will do his best to Hoover you back in. Send a third party to collect your things. Speak to your GP, tell them what’s going on, I had amazing support (trauma counseling medication for anxiety) so don’t be afraid to do that.

You’ll feel so much better away from this drama and abuse. It takes time to start feeling good again, but you have the support of everyone on this site at every step.

Stay safe and good luck
xxHDxx

[WhiskyRose]

Thank you all, absolutely all of your responses resonate with how I feel! I have been looking at all my options over the past couple of months, secretly, and I’m left with one – sell the house. I think once that is done there is no going back. I am trying to take control of that but it’s really hard alone when the other isn’t playing ball or acting in any way reasonable/rational.

I have been analysing a lot of the ‘events’ that happen and now see it as goading, manipulating and ‘testing’ me then blowing up when I fail to live up to what he expects – and like you say, goal posts always move, and he is never accountable for anything that happens.

I have told a couple of trusted people what’s going on, so do have a bit of support there, but it’s mainly to try to force my own hand into leaving.

Thank you all so much for your replies, it makes me feel a lot less alone, and helps me stop normalising his behaviour

xx

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