My gut tells me it’s emotional abuse but he’s makes me feel crazy

[pookie1]

I’m so close to leaving my husband now. The plans are in place but I’m still dealing with his crazy-making. I’ve been in this relationship for most of my adult life – a long time. I’ve been reading about trauma-bonds where you basically become so worn down by emotional invalidation that you become dependent on the person who has traumatised you. Has anyone else experienced this?

When I’m not around him I see so clearly how toxic his anger, moods and manipulation of my feelings are, but when I’m talking to him I feel so wounded I feel like I’m going mad. He minimises all my feelings and always tries to blame either me or something else – work stress or the latest is the unresolved grief for his (detail removed by Moderator). I did say that grief is no excuse for his rages and terrifying me and the kids. I’m so sick and tired of living in a state of perpetual confusion.

I guess I just wanted to reach out and know this is all real and my feelings count. I feel very alone right now.

[Footballfan1]

Hi,

Your feelings are normal.
They are clever minimising the abuse, making us think we are wrong or going crazy.
I was with my ex for more than 2 decades, from a very early age.
When I finally put an end to the relationship, I educated myself on the cycle of abuse.
I looked at trauma bonding like you did.
It is a chemical reaction in our brain.
It doesn’t break until we go 0 contact with the abuser.
It scrambles your brain.

I also read books such as Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and pat craven the dominator.

Getting out can be done, but it is difficult.
They try all kinds of tactics.
Crying, gifts, lovely words, then anger, aggression, threats, name calling.
The yo yoing doesnt do our brain any good.
We feel sad and guilty when they are being nice or upset, then we are scared or angry when they are being aggressive.
It’s really challenging, but you can get out of the cycle.
Take care and keep posting xx

[pookie1]

Thanks so much for replying. It so nice to feel I’ not alone. I’ll check out those books. Have you listened to ‘Love & Abuse’ podcast? Someone here recommended it and it’s been incredibly enlightening. I had no idea until about 2 months ago that everything I was feeling was a) real or b) abusive. Thank goodness for the internet. How women must have suffered in silence before.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Pookie1, yes I have also experienced this and you are so right in that the emotional invalidation makes you dependent on the abuser. I was married for over 2 decades (been out a while now) and can totally relate to what you are experiencing and it is an awful, exhausting place.
I agree with Footballfan1, getting out is hard as they ramp up their tactics. I attempted to co parent, cannot be done with an abuser and by that point I didn’t want my children to be around their abusive father. Zero contact was the only way we could start to recover.

Your husband will sense a change in you, he will ramp up (playing victim is really common as are threats of suicide), do not believe a word he says, this is not your fault, he is responsible for his own actions/behaviours at all times.

Keep posting ❤️

[pookie1]

So glad to hear you’re out the other side. I do hope you’re managing to heal and find inner peace, dare I say joy! He’s already threatened suicide and himself with (detail removed by Moderator). I’m fully expecting the next phase to ramp up the bad behaviour – except this time I’m not keeping quiet. I intend to get legal advice very soon. Thanks for taking the time to reply – it really helps to be heard. I realise now I’ve spent years pushing down my feelings.

[nbumblebee]

Yep. Im still here been decades all my adult life and I cant ever see me leaving.
Ive been told about trauma bonding but dont want to read up about it. Its still all feels too much to deal with and ive been on this site 2 years. Everything you say is as you call it normal I guess I feel it too and I know alot on here do its why we stay the crazy making the doubt the guilt the fear. When hes nice I doubt I blame myself I am the crazy attention seeker but then bang out he comes and I remember how bad he makes me feel and how unhappy I am then along comes the calm again and we go round and round.
Dont doubt dont allow guilt or fear to keep you there not now you see now you know you sound like you are so so close to living a life free from fear dont stop now sweetie, keep taking those steps.
Let us know how you get on.
Stay safe xxxxx

[pookie1]

Thanks for your message. The guilt you talk of, and the fear, are what holds us back. I realise now as I’m so close to leaving that I’ve been terrified of being firm and saying no, enough is enough. We’re only human and when pushed to the brink of our mental health we have (if we can) to choose. I’m choosing to be happy and have accepted in the short-term that will come will a degree of pain for my kids. I can learn to live with that knowing I’m modelling how to be a decent, respectable, boundary-led person. I hope you too find the courage to find inner peace. Sending you a massive hug x

[nbumblebee]

You are incredable. 💜

[Stuckinturmoil]

I too am in a similar position. Been with my husband since I was at school. I am approaching menopause now. So I don’t have any other relationships to compare it to.
Because of his job we spent years miles away from family and friends so I suppose I became codependent. He is so mean to me but like you you just want him to show you some sort of affection or praise.
I recently (detail removed by Moderator) and he acted like it was just any other day. It broke my heart. I will listen to that podcast thanks.
I have kept a diary of the things he says and does. I have also started recording him so if I do leave him and ever regret it I can listen to the rage and evil in his voice and reassure myself I did the right thing. I have been keeping this for 6 years and am still here.

[pookie1]

Thanks for replying and sorry to hear the pain you’re going through. You’re not alone and it’s so important to connect with others to remind ourselves we deserve love and respect. Be kind to yourself. I realise now the greatest strength comes from not feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. That’s a basic human right x*x

[Chocolatequeen]

Hello. You are not crazy at all. I am in a relationship that makes me feel exactly as you do. I was physically abused by years by my husband. I did seperate from him just over (detail removed by Moderator) years ago but was worn down and we got back together. That was the worst decision I ever made. I have asked him to leave several times, he says he will but just doesn’t. I had a lot of problems when I split from (detail removed by Moderator) years ago from (detail removed by Moderator) and am scared to have the same problems from them if I split up again. That’s why my current husband knows I don’t follow through with wanting to split from him now. I’m trapped

[pookie1]

I hope you find the strength to leave one day. Sending you lots of love x

[Feliciabutterfly]

You are not alone trust your instict. My therapist told me to work backwards. Listen to yoiur gut- sit with this instinct and even act on it. Then go through your mind and think and reflect “why did I feel this way?” your mind will flashback and tell you why you came to this instinct

[pookie1]

Absolutely 100%. I always had this gut feeling it wasn’t right but the crazy-making and invalidation were so insidious that I no longer trusted my instincts. That’s a very dangerous place to be. One thing I’ve learnt and I’ll be emphasising to my kids is to trust your instincts. They are powerful and true. I keep having many flashbacks and waking up remembering more and more incidents. It’s very up and down but I’m definitely divorcing him now. Hope you keep safe and stay strong x*x

[Lottieblue]

I just want to throw my support into this thread. It’s actually a little bit triggering as you are all feeling exactly how I felt.
Leaving isn’t easy. It takes an enormous amount of strength. And it takes a long, long time to recover. I know because I’m not even nearly there and it’s been years since I left.
But the thing that I have is hope. I don’t care how tough things are now and in the future, because I’ve got away from him. Build up your support. Lean on people. It is like jumping off a cliff but you will be caught, and you will have a future free from abuse. Nothing else matters, as long as you and those dear to you are safe.

[pookie1]

thank you so much for replying. I’ve having a wobbly day today. I wake up and remember events in the past and feel so low but I’ve out now and planning divorce. Hope you find happiness too. Sorry for triggering you but you’re not alone. x*x

[Stuckinturmoil]

How is it going pookie1? I am almost there. Have filled in forms for solicitor. Just need to send them to her now. I keep feeling guilty and getting doubts. But I know what I need to do.

[pookie1]

It’s going well thank you. I’m going to tell him I want a divorce next week. I have the legal advice I needed and family support. Don’t let guilt make your decision. The guilt we feel is because we have strong empathy and we don’t like to see people hurting. Remember you’re reacting to behaviour that has nothing to do with you. You’re protecting yourself and that is your right. I would recommend doing lots of reading around the type of abuse you’ve experienced. I’ve discovered a great podcast called ‘Surviving N********m with Dr Les Carter’. Doing research about abuse helps to compartmentalise the behaviour we’ve experienced from ourselves. They feel connected from the trauma bonds we have – but they aren’t. We are separate from the toxic behaviour and we need to protect ourselves. Hang in there and arm yourself with as much information as you can. It’s a cliche but knowledge is power. Wishing you well and keep me posted x*x

[Footballfan1]

Stick to it.
They make us feel guilty for things that are not our fault xx

[pookie1]

Absolutely 100% I’m sticking to my guns. I have wobbles but these messages spur me on! Thank you x*x

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