- This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
We have been together for (detail removed by moderator). Up until today.
The story is long and I doubt anybody really wants to read it or hear it. But, he came into my life and quickly after went to prison. I stood by him throughout prison and paid off over (detail removed by moderator) of his debts. I know that’s stupid but I really hope you ladies understand me a little bit and may too have done something similar.
In (detail removed by moderator), from prison, he called and in a 5 minute phone call ended the relationship. He put the phone down, citing that he didn’t want to be serious with me (detail removed by moderator) and that was it, I didn’t hear from him again. Not a call, not a letter. Nothing. Fast forward a year and in (detail removed by moderator) (I knew by this time he had been released) and out of the blue he called. Within 2 days he was at my flat, back in my life and he never left. I was over the moon. I’d always loved him and this was the end of the story for me. Within 6 weeks we were engaged and living in my flat, the way I always hoped we would.
I quickly started to notice how much he drank, and how he always wanted to involve alcohol. I then started to notice he would withdraw £ (detail removed by moderator) to take to work for the day. I used to ask what it was for and he would say it was for (detail removed by moderator) etc. I, stupidly, never really questioned it. Summer last year was horrendous, he would spend more and more time getting drunk and started not coming home over night. He would turn his phone off (a contract I got out for him) and then would come back the next day crying, saying he loved me and asking for forgiveness. This happened pretty much once a week last summer. He would fail to turn up to BBQs at my family which I would find embarrassing and try to make excuses for him.
In (detail removed by moderator) I came home from work one day and he had left. He took all his things and had left my flat. I had just lent him £ (detail removed by moderator). I know this is stupid but I beg you as you read this to see past that. I was heartbroken. After 3 or 4 weeks he came back and I stupidly gave him one more chance. Within 2 or 3 weeks it had started again- he would go out all night and not tell me he wasn’t coming back. One night he was out and tried to kill himself with a drug overdose- he came begging to me the next day to help him and finally admitted all this money was going on cocaine.
The end of (detail removed by moderator) came and again, one day after work, I came home and all of his stuff was gone. As a consequence of this, I fell out with my family over being with him and how he was treating me. I haven’t spoken to my parents since, (detail removed by moderator).
On (detail removed by moderator) he turned up at my flat, threatening to kill himself if I didn’t take him back. I gave in, I guess more because I didn’t want to spend (detail removed by moderator) alone. I let him in and within a week or two, I guess for the first time properly he was abusive, physically. He has always said unkind things to me- that I’m ugly, weird looking, stupid, dumb, a crank, a c**t… You name it, I’ve been called it. He would tell me almost daily that he hated me and hated living with me. He split my lip in an argument.i am very far from perfect and I would shout at him when I was mad but I never thought he would hurt me. This has got worse and since then I’ve been slapped, had a glass thrown at my head, my lip split again and then (detail removed by moderator) he pushed me to the bed and put a pillow over my mouth. I thought I was going to die… Every time this happens he wakes up the next day like nothing has happened and I have to fall into place. I have never mentioned it after.
(Detail removed by moderator) I woke up and (detail removed by moderator). When I returned he was gone. All his stuff and the keys posted back through the door.
I don’t know why I am even posting here. I guess I just hope that someone here will understand.
-
Hi there sweetheart,
You poor, poor thing. I’m just going to send you a big virtual hug right away.
You took a very important step posting on here, well done. It’s a safe place, you won’t be judged. Anyone who reads your story can tell you were abused in many ways before it became physical. Are you safe in your flat now? He hasn’t had a chance to make copies of the keys? If so, I would think about getting the locks changed so you can feel safe in your own home again. Call WA as well, if for nothing else just to hear someone else’s voice so you can truly know that you are not alone. WA can also help talk safety with you.
It really worries me to read how quickly it escalated physically and I know how scared you were with the pillow. My ex used his hands to cover my nose and mouth. There were times I was very close to not being here anymore, it’s frigthening to think of and even more so to realise they just carry on as if nothing has happened. I truly hope for your sake this is the last you’ve seen of him because you do not deserve any of the name-calling, financial abuse, physical abuse, none of it. And it’s not your fault. That might not be what you want to hear as I can also see your deep affection in your post for him. My abuser left me too, and there are moments where all I want/crave/need is him, I just want him back. But those moments are getting further apart, and they will for you too. Have you ever heard about trauma bonding? I would try and Google it and see if perhaps this applies to you?
Have you tried reaching out to your mum again? I’m sure that must have been such an awful message to receive but perhaps telling them what’s happened to you, they would run right back to help you?
Keep posting on here x
-
You are so kind. Thank you so much for replying to me. I am crying as I read your reply.
I am sorry that you have experienced situations similar to myself and I too know how you feel- in those times where he leaves, he is all I want. I have read about trauma bonds, yes- my head has always been ‘screwed on’ and I’ve known none of this is right but I feel like I’m too deep in it and too lost. I feel like I am drowning.
He lost his job (detail removed by moderator) due to cocaine use. He hasn’t had any money since then and has been draining even more of mine… Do you know where I stand on trying to get any of this back?
There are few people in my life who know what has happened, I am embarrassed and mortified-(detail removed by moderator) this isn’t supposed to happen to me. (Detail removed by moderator).
I sent my Mum flowers on Mother’s Day back in March. I didn’t hear back from her. I miss her so much.
-
hi there dont be ashamed – it helps to be totally open and honest and we dont judge – i think shame is a symptom of this type of abuse to be honest. one off my friends described my ex who behaved similar to yours – quoted youve got a ‘thug’ in your house- she was right thats what he was. my ex took alot of recreational drugs was younger, smoked drained stayed out all night went to see strippers! yeh you name it what was i doing? when he had no money and he wouldnt work i would have to ask my parents and all of his needs came forst cigarettes etc and if he didnt get them he would kick off – it became an everyday occurence me walking all the way to see my parents for money eventually they washed there hands off me – to teach me i guess.
i think you are trauma bonded to this guy like me its like an addiction and we feel desperate thay bring us to our knees because we just want it to stop and we remain hopeful that somehow some thing magical will happen and they change – they never do. its time to cut ties with help from womens aid and your GP xxxx
my family were so happy once i was free – you mum will be the same she will always love you unconditionally – shes probably ran out of words to help but thats not your fault – the blame is on him and the double whammy here is noone understands the dynamics of trauma bonding xxxx
keep reaching out xxxx
much love and a hug diymum
-
-
Thank you. Yes, that would happen to me too. Cigarettes would always come first and so did cannabis- (detail removed by moderator) he packed his bags and threatened to leave me if I didn’t give him £(detail removed by moderator) for cannabis. I begged him on my knees at the front door to stay.
Do you think I should tell my GP? I have an appointment for something else in about 10 days but I don’t know what to say?
Can I ask how you are feeling now? How long has it been since you split up?
-
I am not sure how to go about getting any money back, I am afraid. I would try and talk with Rights of Women as they can give legal aid or maybe CAB can help?
Abuse can happen to all of us, no matter our profession, so please don’t feel any shame about this. That only helps to serve your abuser and he has taken enough from you now. I think indeed tell your GP, it helps create a log of what has been happening to you and you can also be referred for therapy perhaps, get medication to help you get a proper night’s sleep, whatever else might help you.
It’s not been too long since my ex threw me out of the flat we lived in. I might have been the one paying (as it turns out) more than my share of the bills, but the flat was in his name, so. I had no rights. He had assaulted me for the 60th? 70th? time and I had reported him. My punishment was becoming homeless. I’ve had some very dark weeks lately with lots of anger. I try and tell myself 3 things I am happy for every day. Lately that’s been one thing; the ladies on this forum. I did recently manage to fix a wobbly wardrobe which seems to have ended the anger for now. It is a roller coaster of emotions and it will be painful, but I try and tell myself that even if my ex would take me back, it would never be the love I wanted it to be. Love doesn’t come with bruises or name-calling. In not-that-much-longer I will have to be in the same room as my ex again. I’m really dreading it and I think that’s what’s contributing a lot to how over-the-top my emotions are and my fears of him getting me arrested in retaliation keep increasing. I’m taking on all the advice I can find on this forum from these other ladies. One tip I got early on was to read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. I’m nearly done with it, I had a highlighter with me when I read it. I don’t think that highlighter is going to last till the end of the book, I use it that much.
-
theres another why does he do that an enouragement one i felt that such a comforting read. ive been away from him for under a decade (just)and i have only had to see him in court (detail removed by moderator) . he left because he had met someone then tried to come back and i ended it once and for all. i could do it anymore it was destroying my mind and health. for about two years i suffered really bad anxiety- i remember the night he left in the middle of the night i was vomitting all night sorry to be disgusting – he new i was destarught (well trauma bonded) he simply said on leavibg grow up, your so insecure noone would put up with you because your a shell of who you once were – that was the final blow because actually yes you did this to me!!! that still makes me angry the audacity – he wanted to be superior but actually he was a nobody – after all of this time and a big custody battle i feel nothing for him – zero – i see him now for what he is and was – someone with a deep deep inferiority complex that need to feed of me and then discard me. i wasted so much time with him – my advice would be stand strong work through your traumatic responses – if he comes back dont let him in call the police – the only way to heal is to go no contact – once you address the problem(him) then you stop going round and round in circles coming back to the same problem. you can do this – im the biggest softy in the world and i got there – do what you ahve to do and you have us ladies and womens aid to support you.
as far as the gp tell her exactly whats happened – get her to refer you for trauma therapy and ask if shes heard of trauma bonding its time the gps were more aware of this xxxx take care much love diymum xxxx
-
-
Dear littlemisslostthesunshine,
Thank you for posting and welcome to the forum. You have explained serious abuse and it’s understandable that you’re feeling a range of emotions. I hope you’ve managed to find something to do today to help you feel a little better. You need to take things very slowly and be kind to yourself at this stage. Remember the simple things like trying to eat something good, getting enough rest and some fresh air.
I suggest getting in touch with your local domestic abuse service to ask what support they can offer.
You can also contact The National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 if you think it would help to talk things through with a female support worker in confidence.
Perhaps have a read through the ‘Positive moments’ forum on here, there are some good ideas regarding how to cope with recovery and proof of how life can improve after abuse. Keep taking it a day at a time, and keep posting.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
