My head is all over the place

[Shazza]

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore.
I was feeling a week ago like I might actually report him for something he did recently. I felt like although I was scared and nervous that I might actually do it.
But now my head is all over the place again.
He initially acted like nothing had even happened when I had to see him at handover. Then he started blaming me for what happened and told me its my fault that he got so angry at me as I’m the one that left and have caused so much pain around me.
He’s blaming me that our child doesn’t want to spend time with him alongside this and mentioned that this is another reason he’s so angry at me as he thinks I’ve turned her against him (I’ve never said a bad word about him to her). He loves her but he doesn’t know how to parent her or look after her properly. (detail removed by moderator). Anyway I am digressing.
He’s now trying to turn on the charm. He’s offered an apology for physically assaulting me (though of course that isn’t how he has seen the incident, he has very much tried to down play what happened). He is telling me that it has all just been a big mistake and is too much for him and that’s why he snapped. He’s asked me to go back home and made lots of promises of how things will be different and better. He said (detail removed by Moderator). He explained it all very calmly and rationally and told me it’s not realistic for me to stay where I am long term and that I will be better off going home where I belong.
He says (detail removed by moderator) and explained to me that (detail removed by moderator). He said if I go home we can start to work through things and said I won’t be on my own like I am now. He said alot more but that is the gist of it.

Why on earth is my brain ever so slightly listening to him. The thing is, I am not happy where I am currently staying and am desperately missing my own home and my daughters bedroom for her etc. I would love to go home. But I know it isn’t safe there.
And I’m feeling so so desperately alone and like I am on my own right now that part of me is like well I might as well go back, it can’t be worse than how alone I currently feel. Cos I worry he is right and that this is all too much for those who support me, and I do worry that they will leave me, I worry now that if I reach out for support I am being too much of a burden so I am trying not to.
But I know deep down that going back would be worse than how I currently feel and I know I can’t and shouldn’t go back as I left to protect my daughter and I will not undo that.
But omg my brain hurts with all these conflicting feelings and emotions.
Massively in need of a friendly hug. He has gotten in my head once again

[Lisa]

Hello Shazza,

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through – the behaviour you’ve described from your ex partner sounds incredibly manipulative and it can be very difficult not to get sucked back in.

Very often when we are given false hope and false promises from an abuser, there is part of us that wants to believe the possibility for change as we have invested so much into them and the relationship. The ‘what if’ can be really loud at times and it is so hard to ignore this.

It sounds like you are remaining incredibly strong and I can hear that your gut is telling you that you’re making the best choice for you and your daughter by having left.

I’m wondering if it would be helpful to write down your memories of the abuse, and the reasons why you decided to leave him, to read back to remind yourself of, in moments of unsureness and confusion?

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Shazza]

Thank you Lisa. Yes I do keep a log of everything that has happened and it is helpful to look back on it. I still find myself doubting my own perceptions at times though and when he acts like there are no problems her can be very convincing

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Shazza

I know how hard it is to leave, and to stay gone, and how hard it is to miss your home so desperately, yet have to put up with unfamiliar and rubbish surroundings just to stay safe. Its often this way, and there’s no denying its a very hard thing to do. I am sending you massive (((((hugs))))) Noone wants to have to leave their home and everything they know, but he’s forced this situation to come to this, and he knew what he was doing, and so did you, even though you were blamed you have that sense of what the truth is about this situation, and, for now, it will be safest to stay away until either he has gone, or you can set up and feel like you have your very own safe new home.

My heart goes out to you, I know what you are experiencing only too well, as many here will also I’m sure.

Don’t ever feel that his blame and lack of responsibility is down to you, its highly toxic to listen to someone doing this, and extremely damaging to you, so stay away from it, and if he starts either walk away or put the phone down and maybe consider blocking his voice so he can’t reach you with his toxic narrative.

No matter what he does he won’t take responsibility, but you know its wrong, you know he attacked you, and more.

You are not a burden, you must feel free to reach out to anyone and everyone that can help you overcome this. It can take many women to support another out the other side of abuse, and those who are available to you are there for you.

I am so glad you felt reassured enough here to reach out, thats so important. Do keep on reaching out, and you might not always get what you need, but keep on going, until you get to the point that you are managing most of it yourself, until then do keep asking, you need it, and more to the point, you deserve it. x*x more (((((hugs)))))

warmest wishes

ts

[Shazza]

Thank you Twisted Sister, I really appreciate your reply and the massive hugs ❤
It is so hard isn’t it, as it feels like jumping from one rubbish situation straight to another. And those pangs of missing home are so strong at times and missing the life that I thought I would have in that house etc. It is hard to stop thinking of that.

You are right that he will never take any responsibility. I find it hard not to then take on that blame and responsibility myself.

I am trying not to take on what he says, i have had to shut the door on him a few times recently as I just don’t want to hear him placing blame on me all of the time. It is exhausting especially as i then start to doubt myself and start to think maybe I am the problem and maybe I am being unreasonable.

I hate feeling like a burden to people around me. Anytime something happens all I want to do is talk to someone about it to reassure me I am not the problem. He has put it in my head so much that I am too much for other people, he has made it seem like they would be better off any happier with out me in their lives.

I need to try and shut him out of my mind. I am trying but not always succeeding.

Thank you again xxxxx

[Twisted Sister]

He has put it in my head so much that I am too much for other people, he has made it seem like they would be better off any happier with out me in their lives.

of course he has, this is a win for him isn’t it. He can’t have it both ways, he can’t claim to be honest when promising you the world and saying ‘sorry’ for hitting you (sorry really isn’t for deliberate acts of violence,thats a crime), but then also try to make you feel like people are better off without you in their lives. So, for him, it has to be neither, its lies that contradict each other!

Build yourself a handy mental notebook of answers for the things that keep replaying in your head like ear-worms for the brain. So you can’t believe his promises, or his insults, its all lies, and which lie he chooses will depend on what he wants at any given moment in time. Free you, and free your head, smash down those prison bars in your mind.

warmest wishes

ts

[Shazza]

You are right Auriel, deep down I know I am better off where I am compared to where I was. It is just so hard when he is still able to manipulate me so easily. I feel like I took the first step of leaving but haven’t made much progress in terms of getting him out my head.
It is all massively compounded by where I currently am. I feel like I need space of my own to heal and I’m just not sure that is going to happen which really gets me down x

[Author]

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