My head is like a wasps nest.

[reborn]

Here goes my story. During my marriage I suffered every kind of abuse under the sun. Here I am years later, free, then finding out my abuser has passed on. This has brought about some very mixed emotions and I have no one to talk to. It’s not fair to discuss an ex partner to my current partner, my adult children had no contact with the ex they have moved on, so why haven’t I?. I truly loved the person my ex once was until he became my abuser.On one hand I am grieving for the young man he was and on the other I am going through all the abuse he put me through. His friends and family have posted on social media what a kind and helpful person he was and I am feeling gaslighted by people who never had dealings with his darker side. My head is a mess. Can someone please point me in the right direction before I loose the plot?

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Reborn,

I have read some posts on here that suggest that processing the grief in your own way is key to moving forward.

I think the death of an abuser can bring up a wave of conflicting emotions that can feel overwhelming, It might be beneficial to try and address your emotions and more importantly validate them. Which can be incredibly difficult when the people who knew him directly were not subjected to the same abuse and torture you were. So I think you need to be selective about who you share your thoughts with, (it sounds like you are already are aware of this).

A therapist specialising in trauma and grief may be able to process some of the feelings that have come up.

There are more personal ways that can work well depending on the individual, say; writing a letter to the abuser (of anything you wanted to say) and burning it or keeping it, visiting a place that was significant for you and saying a few words, poetry, art etc. Anything that you think will help you make peace with yourself.

Hope this helps
OctoberSunshine

[Twisted Sister]

Hello reborn

Thats got to be difficult, perhaps overwhelming. You did so well to get yourself to such a better place, now with a partner and your children all moved on, so much positive after having gone through the abuse.

I think at some point in most of our turmoil with these abusers we come to this massive cognitive dissonance, where two both extreme feelings of love of who we thought we were happily coupled with, and hatred of what he did and who he really was, suddenly collide. Its one of the most momentous parts of this process, and it does seem like you’ve hit it as a result of his death.

All that matters in this is you, knowing your truth exactly as you have explained it. Others outside those closed doors don’t know who he is, but you do. The people you seek support from don’t know who he is, but you do. You know who he is, what he’s done, and its affect on you. Women go through this point whilst in the relationship, or in preparing to leave, or some weeks after leaving, or anytime thereafter, maybe decades later, it hits when it hits, and his death has perhaps been the catalyst for you.

His death makes no difference to your life as it looks today, but I can imagine it will be very hard to interact with people not only not on the same page as you, but reading a difference book entirely. You play this how you want and need to, without guilt, you owe him nothing and he owed you and your children everything.

These guys seem to be different people when we met them, they’re not, and they don’t change, they just showed you what they wanted you to see, and the same with those outside the closed doors. You and your children know who he is. Your priority is still you and your children and getting through this as best you all can. You don’t have to answer any questions, and you can tell anyone anything you want to, to get you through.

Post as often as you need, we understand this, and its not as uncommon as you may think, so others here may have experiences to share too.

warmest wishes

ts

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