My head is scrambled, is it me??

[Gotthatrite]

Folks, I’m in need for some sounding boards, I just don’t know if it’s genuine problems or what. Please bare with me. We have been together (detail removed by moderator) My husband does not communicate very well and this seems to be getting worse, if I ask him to do something around the home, most times I get “the look” like I’m a pain…. If I say anything which he doesn’t agree with rather than talk it through he just raises his voice, then I’m told he doesn’t want to argue, so stop talking. Almost like I’m being dismissed. We aren’t arguing your the one raising your voice. I then get the silent treatment for days until he wants to engage again. Walking on eggs shells when you don’t know what mood he is in .I have been told (detail removed by moderator)….. Sorry this just goes on…. When we do discuss this, he apologies, everything can be fine for few months then it starts again. He done one counsellor sessions with me, but wouldn’t go back… Tick exercise,.I then went alone as I needed someone to aid everything out with, (detail removed by moderator) so I stopped the sessions. (detail removed by moderator) He has had a bad time of it lately. I haven’t yet mentioned, alcohol… He drinks everyday as soon as he comes home from work and very rarely would do anything which would interfere with this routine. I had asked him to speak with his doctor and try to give up beer over a year ago and it’s only (detail removed by moderator) he has eventually stopped drinking. I just can’t see a future anymore, too much has been said and I can’t forget as I know I will just keep being the target of his moods, nastiness. – can anyone relate to this, I sometimes think it’s mental/emotional abuse then think I’m overreacting…. Thanks for reading and any guidance would be appreciated.

[sweet4]

I just wonder, do these men change with age,and get worse with age, it makes you think.

[Gotthatrite]

Mine seems so grumpy with the world and negative, not all the time, I have to admit there is times we get on fine, but I recoil when he gets into these moods and think this can’t go on, it’s draining.

[Lisa]

Hi Gotthatrite,

Thank you for sharing what you’ve been going through.

What you’ve described is emotional abuse, you’re not overreacting. You deserve to be able to express your views without him forcefully dominating the exchange and shutting you down. Abusers use the silent treatment as punishment, it is not a normal or okay way to behave. He is using his moods as a way of being controlling, the fact you’ve got that walking on eggshells feeling is a big indicator of that, it’s the impact of fear over how he’ll react. It’s common that the “nasty” abuse isn’t constant, and that can be really confusing and make you question your experience, but that’s part of the abuse too.

You could use our Live Chat service to speak to a Support Worker about your situation, they will listen and help you explore your options. There’s also your local domestic abuse service who you could contact for some ongoing support. Lots of women here on the forum will relate to what you’ve shared, so do also keep reaching out here for support and reading through the other posts.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Gotthatrite]

Thank you Lisa, I have thought this for a while, how can you tell someone you love them when your words and actions say otherwise. I have spent so long putting a smile on my face and carrying on keeping it al together but when I talk out about situations which do need addressed, it can start which makes me be quiet rather than take the brunt off the moods. X

[Sad and alone]

Yes this is the same for me. You can have an opinion as long as they agree with it. The worst thing is if you try and stick up for yourself or what you believe. Often start getting shouted down. I say why are you shouting? Why can’t we just discuss things like normal people do? Then invariably I get told I’m shouting (as I usually do due to frustration) and that I like arguing. If I try and stay quiet he says I’m not listening. He’s happy if I say whatever he’s saying is right, even though he must know I don’t mean it (especially when I say he’s right when saying something negative about me) it seems to be what he needs to hear.

The cycling of being “okay” and then getting a look or a comment that indicates he has a problem with something is exhausting. This morning he (detail removed by moderator) with “the look” about him. I asked how (detail removed by moderator) and not much response so said everything going alright and get told (detail removed by moderator). It sounds trivial but I’ve had this so many times. I suspect it’s where he is expecting me to do certain thing today and I didn’t do it straight away.

Like you I can’t see a future as so much has happened between us, both physical and mental. He never apologises for upsetting me, if I end up crying, which I try not to, I get told to stop feeling sorry for myself. He is constantly saying I have to “change” and asked me the other day that (detail removed by moderator). I have told him for years that being the way he is towards me is not going to produce a positive reaction. I said to him it’s really too late now, because it’ll just feel like fake, and underneath it I know his true feelings for me.

Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in what you’re experiencing.

[Gotthatrite]

Thank you for your reply. It’s a horrible situation for you to be in. It’s tough making the leap to end things. But as I keep hearing you are not responsible for his actions and it’s not right to be treating you like that. No matter how long you hope it will change, I know, deep down he had changed and this will flare up every time and it just makes you feel like c**p. So my question to myself is, do I want to continue this cycle for the next half of my life. I have tried everything there is and keep coming to this situation. I hope everything works out for you and yours happy whatever you do.

[Shecando]

Hi
I could have written the very same thing . I am on edge constantly . I am blamed for how my husband feels , how his week goes , how work is for him – he doesn’t seem to have any self regulation skills. (detail removed by Moderator) he was angry with me for telling his (detail removed by Moderator) something he had said he was going to do but hadn’t , I didn’t give her any detail but he insisted I had spoilt his day , his week but instead of ringing his (detail removed by Moderator) to elaborate he chose to blame me for it . (detail removed by Moderator) he told me he was unimpressed with my behaviour . Later on swore aggressively at the dog , threw (detail removed by Moderator) across the room the stamped on them. I’m an exhausted nervous wreck but he would say so is he

[Gotthatrite]

@shecando when you mention your furr baby it rang bells, mine can’t walk about the house (only downstairs) without being shouted at and stay in the dog cage. Is he jealous? Or knowing how much I love her and trying to upset me? We had a chat tonight, he with beer in him, so it’s a waste of time. But you should never feel like this in your marriage, are you happy? Do you feel comfortable and safe in your own home. What’s the future looking like if you stay? Will he ever accept what’s wrong and work on improving the issues, together. I constantly asked myself this and sadly after years off thinking it will, I have realised it never will. I’m heartbroken at the life I thought we were going to have together, will never be and might I add I’m not being unrealistic here, I’m wanting the man who I fell in love with but year by year he has been tapping out and here we are . I hope you find the strength to do what’s best for you and your future. Take care

[Author]

Posts