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Hello lovely ladies:)
I have been in abusive relationship for a decades now. I have just recognized the different kind of abusive I have been through and below are my restrictions:
I am afraid to express my opinion as he calls me names,
He got angry when I told him my (detail removed by moderator) friends organize meeting after (detail removed by moderator) years and I would like to go, he said (detail removed by moderator).
(Detail removed by moderator).
I am expecting to do all cooking, washing, cleaning, even when he is at home free sometimes and could cook he will never do, but he says he is a good cooker, and this wouldn’t be a problem for him. I remember once I didn’t want to cook something for him, so he pushed me through forcing me to do it,
He is physically violent to me when I get on his nerves, it is not often only because I know what can makes him like this, I am a different person now I was a strong will personality, but I changed.
When my daughters were babies or a toddlers he never gave them a bath or change nappy, cooking milk, food etc.
He shouts terrible when for example (detail removed by moderator) shouts if something at home is broken etc
I cannot be in bad mood opposite to him, he can be whenever he feels like,
I am not inviting my friends as if someone has a different opinion than him he can become aggressive which makes me ashamed of it.
I am not able to do my own decision, for example, is spontaneously wanting to visit my mum who lives in different country as always has to be a reason for something.
The worse part of it I have also realized my adult daughter now was emotionally abused by him, she was always scared of him and never said no to him even if she didn’t agree. As a result she is having Relationship OCD, in past she had an eating disorder.
We have a younger daughter too, but she is not scared of him and she says she loves him and she seems to be happy, she doesn’t mind if he is at home opposite to my older daughter who never liked when he was around.
I would love to be free, but we have a mortgage and he likes the younger daughter, so I strongly believe he would like to have a contact with her which could be so dangers form me. What is the solution for my hopeless situation please. -
Hi Hazel
Welcome to the forum, you have done really well to reach out for support. Your partner is controlling, and physically and emotionally abusive to you. He has isolated you away from your friends and family which must be so hard for you.
A good place to start could be with your local domestic abuse service, you can find their details here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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You mentioned he likes your younger daughter.. I don’t know how old she is but have you considered that maybe he likes this daughter because she is complicit in his abuse and adores him? I can imagine she’s probably too young to understand that he is abusive, all she knows is he’s her Dad and she loves him. She will learn to walk on eggshells and appease him though just like you and your older daughter have. I did exactly the same with my abusive Father and it’s only now I’m an adult that problems have occured because he can’t control me as much now I’m no longer a child. They want to be in control at all times.
It’s horrible to feel so isolated away from your friends and family and that’s exactly how he wants it to be. It sounds like you’re ready to reach out to your local domestic abuse service which is great, hopefully they can give you the support and advice you deserve.
Remember you don’t deserve to be treated this way, there is no excuse for abuse.
Take care and let us know how you get on 💕 xx -
Hi Gettingtired, thank you for your reply and the warm words. My daughter is not complicit in his abuse, she’s got completely different character than her older sister and she is quite clever as she knows already how to deal with him, she knows what does pleased him so I would say she is already walking on eggshells, she is more communicative with him than my older was as she was kind of not wanting to be around him.
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Hazel your husband sounds misogynistic in a way that he puts women as a lower form like they have their place in the house to serve him for this and that (maybe he learned it) he also sounds n**********c (from his blow up hairline rages)due to the fact he thinks he’s an amazing cook though nobody’s witnessed this, the situation isn’t hopeless it just your thinking and feeling make it seem so from the decades of brainwashing and the breaking down of your spirit, before I read gettingtired’s reply I was thinking exactly the same thing about your youngest, in that maybe he is favouring he because she can’t answer back and stand up to him yet. If it’s possible for you give live fear free a ring or women’s aid directly, it’s not a situation you “have” to put up with/stay in for the rest of your life.Abuse does change us but we are more aware now and can sometimes use that awareness as some of us have (myself included) it doesn’t have to be a life sentence, bullies are for the playground (though that isn’t nice either)not for the adult/relationship world 🌹💗🍀
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Thank you Auriel for your support words❤
Yes, you are right, he learned this from his home, women are for housework and man are for work outside. I am only thinking that my situation is hopeless as I know he could be so dangerous if I leave. If my younger is an aduld I wouldn’t even stay a minute with him but she is still a child and I know he would like to have a contact with her which could be dangerous fo myself. My daughter can’t anwer back yet, but I know she will one day and I know he doesn’t like if someone is confronting him. I am going to speak to my domestic abuse service to see what are my options. This forum is amazing and as much as I read I slowly realise I do not have to live my life like that.-
And you are amazing for reaching out and letting us know of your situation, I’m so glad your gonna speak to domestic abuse services, it may be better if he has no contact with her (an abuser will damage those around them)the pattern will only continue, but you’ll get all the advice you need from the service 🤗🧡🤗
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