23rd July 2022 at 12:11 pm #147393
This is my first post and its hard to put into words so please bare with me , I met my now husband (detail removed by moderator) when i was a working and confident person , I had friends and a social life , He would ring me about 30 times a day when we were not together, I felt wanted and missed. He would always seem kind and loving, but looking back now i remember him putting a tracker on my phone so we could see where each other was all the time , fast forward (detail removed by moderator) and we bought a house together. I couldnt just go and buy so much as a lampshade without his approval, He never liked anything i liked , over time it became easier to just agree on what he liked. About a year before we bought the house he talked me into working part time so i was home more , which at the time seemed a good idea , but money wise he didnt help out, with all the stress of everything i became very poorly and had to give up my work, he would put just enough money into my account to pay bills and food, I dont know when i started to notice, but everything i say is wrong, he will cut my conversations dead and change subjects expecting me to listen and agree to everything he says (details removed by moderator)
Im now registered disabled ,
Up until recently he would look through my phone and laptop , but very sneakily and quickly , making out hes checking the anti virus, I now have a pin code on my lappy and face recognition on my phone, so im slowly learning . Im unable to have a private phone call , he will stop whatever he is doing and sit and listen , so i now text my daughter when he has gone out so we can speak freely, I realised about 2 years ago he was messaging alot , i would lay in bed when he thought i was asleep , watching him scrolling through pictures of women and then texting them (detail removed by moderator) so i now realise its not all in my head , im not imagining things, I have confronted him but he just denies it, he has lots of different chat thing and talks to lots of people he doesnt actually know , but he says he tells them about my problems , which i hate. I now only speak when im spoken too and always reply with a dont know or a maybe, I dont see anyone or have anyone to talk to, The neighbours think he is wonderful , he will help cut their grass etc, I live rural , so no buses or shops etc Just me and my dog, I just wish i could leave and have my own little home , but he refuses to sell , and i only have my pip money , sorry about the bad grammer but my hands are bad with arthritus , Thank you if you read this far
23rd July 2022 at 3:21 pm #147397Twisted SisterParticipant
Hello Happy hen
Welcome to you, and hope you can now find comfort and support with women that suffer/ed very similar tactics from their abusers also.
You have spoken very clearly about who he is and what he’s doing, so its great that you are already so aware, and have found ways of getting around his controls, to a degree. So sad that now you have come to a place of near complete isolation from the world.
You can get an occupation order banning him from the house due to domestic abuse, you could then put the house on the market as part of a divorce settlement, which if he didn’t agree with or reply could go ahead without him.
It would be short term, until you had sold and then you could buy somewhere of your own with the equity from it?
Do keep talking through the issues as they come up now that you have found a place to speak about the challenges you face as a result of his abuse. He think he owns you, but he doesn’t and there are ways to be permanently apart from him.
No need to apologise to us here for your writing or anything, you are free to speak as you wish without judgement.
23rd July 2022 at 3:30 pm #147398HereforhelpParticipant
Welcome Happy Hen, what you have described is horrendous abuse and as TS has mentioned you can apply for an occupation order to ban him from the home as his abuse is illegal, there are laws in place to help you when you are ready.
For now you have this forum to say as much or as little as you want without any judgements ❤
24th July 2022 at 7:36 am #147456
Thank you both for your replies , it means alot. I messaged a old friend from before i met him and she has put me in touch with a rural hub to speak with a mental health support worker . Im just so tearful at the moment, now that i realise what he has done and is still trying to do. I need to get my head in a stronger place , i still keep thinking , is it me ? is it all in my head ?is it my fault ? when it was (detail removed by Moderator), he received (detail removed by Moderator), he was surprised to say the least , which is what gave me the chance to challenge him , he just sat there and said NO , but he then proceeded to message someone , I was so upset and shocked i had to walk the dog , a few days later he took me to (detail removed by Moderator) to walk the dog and i kept crying silent tears , he was aware but just ignored me , he never asked what was wrong , he never even tried to comfort me, Why does it still hurt me so ?Why do i still feel so upset ? Ive lost everything about me that made me ME, My sense of humour , everything , I want to find ME again
24th July 2022 at 8:21 am #147458Twisted SisterParticipant
I am so glad you have connected with some support. The support there and here, talking and working through this will get you some more of that strength you need to get it done.
For now, it sounds like a time for everything hitting you hard, and letting yourself grieve for that. I feel for you crying those silent tears, with him just ignoring it.
What a vile cheat to be going on dating sites like this.
You take care of you and your needs now.
25th July 2022 at 8:08 am #147531
25th July 2022 at 4:42 pm #147544ArielParticipant
You can call the womens aid helpline too when he’s out to get a plan of freedom. I remember having the dream also of my own place to put in what I want. Your situation is similar to how mine was. I wouldn’t eat until he got home as he would get the ump as I ate without him.
I’m free from him now completely and never thought I would, I thought I would just be a zombie forever.
You can be free if you want to you just need help doing it and help staying safe too. Don’t let him get inside you, stay strong you have done amazingly to get this far. Keep going you will get your freedom…. Sending hugs to you keep writing to us
25th July 2022 at 10:25 pm #147555Grey RockParticipant
Welcome. Thank goodness you found this place and are reading and posting. What you are describing in your post is very familiar, both from my own experiences and ladies I’ve heard talking about their experiences here and when I did the Freedom Program. I especially relate to that feeling of having lost yourself. I got away a couple of years ago and have gradually recovered and have found my old self for the most part, although I’m less resilient than I was before I experienced living with an abuser. Wiser though in many ways as my recovery has been an exercise in learning. Learning about abuse and learning about myself, and learning how to love myself unconditionally with all my weaknesses and flaws and forgiving myself for giving him so many chances to repeatedly hurt, control and belittle me, and to intimidate those I love.
You are being controlled and coerced by this man who is abusive towards you. Stick around and keep learning. Hold on to what you learn and keep it close to your chest until you decide what you want to do. Womens Aid can help you emotionally and with devising a safe exit plan. This is important because a scorned abuser tends to come out fighting dirty.
For now positive steps might be to get any tracking devises or apps that you don’t recognise as things you put on your phone taken off, and change all your passwords especially on anything that might allow him to sabotage an attempt at freedom (anything where money can be spent or damage could be done by him sending something pretending to be you). It may seem early to be thinking that way but when the time comes for it to be necessary it’s hard to think clearly enough to tackle it, and it can make it break an escape. It took me several attempts to learn this!
Please keep reading and posting on here. The ladies on this forum helped me so much through every stage of my experiences in ways that my nearest and dearest friends and family weren’t equipped to do.
27th May 2023 at 3:03 pm #158758weatherParticipant
Dear Happy Hen,
I also have arthritis and understand the pain that it can cause. I feel so vulnerable at times due to the joint pain in my hands and ankles, but I’m trying to cope with it and compared to DV, it’s not that bad. I can also relate to that loss you feel of your former self, even though I’ve been out of an abusive relationship for over ten years it still feels present in my everyday life. Like you, I had a social life, career aspirations and a place to live in which was mien before I met my ex-husband. It took me over a decade of abuse to attain my (detail removed by Moderator), which I’m currently using to sustain myself. I’m not the person I once was or ever think I’ll be again, but a better version of who I once was. I hope you get to a safe place soon where you can also regain parts of yourself you’ve lost.
Keep safe, Weather.
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