My husband is refusing separation

[Medusa]

Hi
I was so proud of myself. I told my husband I want to separate. Despite the recent positive changes I have seen, the fact that our whole marriage has included control, mental abuse and some verbal abuse both towards me and our children, I lost my feelings for him. I told him exactly that. I am sorry that it is the case but he lost me and I don’t want to be with him anymore.
A few weeks passed and we agreed we would find a small flat that we would take turns living in. I said I think that is a good short term solution. I need space and time to think. I could feel him acting as if nothing had happened though and challenged him on it. He said he had heard me and he has acknowledged my wish, however he doesn’t agree. He thinks we can find our way back.

I found a good flat and said I would go see it. He then said he doesn’t agree. If I want time on my own I can use a flat but he thinks I am just having a midlife crisis, am about to make rushed decisions and he won’t let me.

I don’t know why I feel so chocked by this. Like every other big decision in our lives he will do what he wants. My opinion is just guidance and can be ‘put right’. Earlier this year he said that he would move out if I could not continue, he understands now that he’s been wrong and he is so very sorry.

It seems like now that he has changed I have no right to leave him. Or I can leave if I want but he’s not accepting separation.

So we are back to him being so very nice. Not a word about separation and I am feeling totally deflated. Am seeking legal advice.

I am not sure what kind of advice I am after here… has anyone been in a similar position. He has never been violent but then he’s used to ‘winning’ every discussion…

[Lisa]

Hello Medusa,

I’m sorry to hear that your husband is refusing separation, it sounds like very dismissive, self serving and controlling behaviour and I imagine it’s incredibly frustrating for you.

Unfortunately this type of behaviour is why so many women eventually decide to leave without informing their abuser of their plan. We know that abuse and control can escalate when a woman has expressed her desire to leave and it can be a dangerous time, so do bear this in mind.

Ultimately it is not his decision whether or not you remain in the relationship, it’s not okay to force someone to be in a situation that they don’t want to be in.

I’m sure others will be able to offer some advice and support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Whatarollercoaster]

Hi Medusa,

I can relate to your situation. Unfortunately I was to weak to stick to my guns and I ket him win. Like Lisa said it is very difficult to actually tell them that you want to leave. When I wanted to leave I was left completely ignored and told I was only doing this because I wanted to punish him. He just wouldn’t belive anything I said. I was made to be totally unreasonable, weak and giving up for a little reason. I should think it through while I’m calmer and because we had an argument I was only acting out in anger. It wasn’t the case. But while I was sitting and stressing about this situation I eventually gave up because I was so tired…
You are doing so well. Don’t give up. I wish I could tell you I had a good ending but I’m still building up to it.
Take care x

[KIP.]

He’s going nowhere. Abusers are liars. He will say whatever you need to hear in the moment but mean none of it. It’s up to you to talk to a solicitor, engage with your local womens aid and plan a safe exit. Do not tell him you’re leaving. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He’s never going to make this easy for you so get all your ducks in a row behind his back.

[Medusa]

Thank you both. I am slowly coming to the realisation that he thinks he has the right to stop me because he ‘loves’ me and has told himself I am just not in my right mind.
I am getting my ducks in line and feel really s**t about it. Trying to focus on the end result. I am not starting another year feeling like this!
I hope you find strength Whatarollercoaster! Let us know how you get on.

X

[Author]

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