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    • #9291
      Natasha
      Participant

      Hi!

      Need some advice. My husband is sleeping on the sofa. He came home in a bad mood 2 days after we moved to a new house and flared up saying he wants to leave. He always threatens to leave when he’s angry then never does and last time I said if he threatens me with this again he will have to follow through as I’m sick of it. So since then he’s been sleeping on the sofa – tonight will be night 4. He said that as soon as I can get the deposit money together for him he will leave to put it down on a new place.

      He always blackmails me, he’s threatened to cancel our wedding, holidays, nights out etc in the past.

      We went away for a weekend and he had a flare up in the hotel restaurant because I didn’t ask for sugar. He was yelling st me and people were looking.

      On the same trip he got drunk at a bat then said he was going to get some food. I said I’d wait in the hotel lobby but he didn’t return so I went to the room to see if he was there. He returned and the rest is a blur. He got physical and I retaliated but he’s heavier and I remember him lying on me spitting in my face. I woke up with a partially black eye and scratches on my face and memories of him saying there was someone else and too late he’d slept with her.

      The next day he denied there was anyone else. I said I didn’t know whether to believe him. He looked sad when he saw my face and apologised saying he didn’t intend to fight with me. but the next day he twisted it saying he’s not going to let me get away with this and that i had bent his thumb back and it hurt. He also said I don’t know what you did to yourself in reference to my face as he gave me a healing cream saying we need to get you healed,

      We got back from the trip and 2 days after moving in he came home in a bad mood and flared up again.

      I can’t talk to friends as they say this keeps happening and that its abuse. They say it’s beyond their experience and that maybe I shouldn’t talk to them about it. My mum knows but I don’t tell her that it sometimes get physical – I always fight back, it makes me feel aggressive too when we fight.

      I think this time it’s really over. I’m scared. We’ve been together just (removed by moderator). I feel embarrassed that it hasn’t worked and I don’t know if we should keep trying. We tried marital counselling – my idea but he said nothing and I did all the talking and he sometimes refused to go to sessions. I don’t think he’d even go at all now.

      It’s so isolating not being able to tell people what I’m going through. I cried in the loo at work on Friday then put on a cheery face.

      He doesn’t beat me up but he flared up, he’s controlling and jealous/possessive and rows quickly escalate then sometimes get physical but always shouting in my face I try to stay calm but he doesn’t stop then I get wound up too. I can’t believe I’m in this situation as none of my previous partners were like this.

      He uses the silent treatment after he’s announced he’s leaving and sleeps on the sofa.

      I never know how long it’s going to last until he comes round and then he’s all loving and nice to me and by then I’m so drained and grateful to have him back to being normal but I’ve noticed this has been happening in cycles.

      I am craving to talk to others who understand. I’ve rang the helpline and will start the freedom programme and get some counselling. I’m feeling pretty numb at the moment I can’t even find the energy to write it out in my diary. I’m just feeling sad, dissapointed and drained that I’m back here again in this position as I’ve been here so many times before. He always says it’s my fault that I provoke him and start fights but it’s him I always try to keep the peace. He just likes everything his way and I fear he’s getting worse.

    • #9295
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Nat

      Welcome xx

      So pleased that you have had the strength not only to post but to talk WA, first steps on your journey to freedom.

      The sooner he is out the better,he sounds a right nightmare and you should have so much more.

      People that haven’t been in abusive relationships find it hard to understand, that why this sites a lifeline we understand each other and can support you through this.

      If he’s been physical in the last ten days you can get a non molestation on him and get him out of your house.

      I can remember I was in an accident with my new car he came alone, and lost it shouting throwing his keys on the floor. The mens wall my car went into, were shock and didn’t want me to go home with him, but by the time I got home he was completely different saying he was worried about me. Bujt he was cross I damaged the car.

      I write a diary of events because if I listen to what he said (which I use to) it was always my fault. Also it shows how bad it is and its not in your head.

      Do what ever you need to do to keep safe.

      FS xx

    • #9296
      Savingmyself
      Participant

      Hi Natasha
      Sorry this has happening to you
      It’s sounds like a lot of crazy making abuse by him that you are putting up with .
      Why do you have to give him the money for a deposit for him to move ?
      You should stick to getting him to leave it will give you a mental break from him as you will never be able to think clearly with him and the abuse around you
      He will not change that is how he is it was happening even before the wedding
      Marriage counselling is not advised for abusers
      Bid hugs x*x

    • #9299
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thanks so much for replying. It means a lot to have my feelings heard. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time because I just live for the good times and hope that things will get better. He did get arrested once. Again he was drunk and had followed me to the pub where I was meeting my friends out of jealousy and on the way home a couple driving by saw him push me and rang the police. He spent the night in a cell and got a caution. The next day when they let him out he cried and said he thought he’d lost me. I always thought I was so strong but I feel so weak with him because he wears me down. I have mild anxiety and my friends all see me as a soft person but I answer back and fight back too when it turns physical. I think I’m still trying to accept and come to terms with the reality and am trying to reach out for some support. Sadly I think I still love him and this is holding me back. I recognise it’s a cycle and pray that when it’s good he will stay happy but he’s moody and it always seems to end up with him flaring up over the smallest thing, putting me down. I just can’t believe I’m in this situation. I never thought I’d find myself with someone like him let alone married to. I know I need to get stronger. I’m so glad to have this support group as its a first for me to talk to others in similar situations. I can’t afford to pay the rent on my own but I’m selling some property so as soon as that goes through I will be able to give him the deposit to leave. I think I’d rather do that than get the police involved unless I have to. It’s the calm after the storm at the moment. He’s giving me the silent treatment and staying out of my way. At least it’s more peaceful than dealing with his anger and gives me time to think.

    • #9302
      Savingmyself
      Participant

      Aw Hun abuse never gets better
      I loved my ex too and he has been trying to get back with me love bombing texts inviting me over
      But I can’t go because I know the cycle and I know as soon as the sweet cycle ends he will again do and say things to hurt me all over again so there is just no way that I can keep putting my self through it because how ever much we love them it can not make them change
      He is with some one else now and he is abuser her in a different way to me more proof they will not change
      Big hugs xx

    • #9305
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thank you, I think I’m beginning to realise this now. It’s always the same familiar pattern and he never takes accountability and always blames me to the point I start to question whether I did start it. I think this one has been a wake up call for me. I’m beginning to see him for who he really is and question how much longer we can go on like this and try to accept that it must come to an end and that no time will be the right time but I just hope I can find the strength to go through it. I don’t know how others have gotten through so much worse by reading some of the stories. It’s so hard. Hard to accept the reality. I said to him you are supposed to love me yet sometimes I feel so much hate from you. I think he’s stopped respecting me as a person. It’s so draining.

    • #9308
      Winterblues2
      Participant

      Natasha, saving myself has given some wonderful advice and support but I wanted to let you know that your story has been heard and reminds me strongly of my own experiences.

      Keep posting, we’re all here for you xx

    • #9312
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Natasha,

      You have already had some wonderful support fro the women on this forum but I just wanted to show some support too. You have already made some great steps by posting on this forum and contacting Women’s Aid so well done for being so pro-active. I can see from what you have written that you are starting to gradually come to terms with the fact that your partners behaviour isn’t right. It is always difficult to try and talk to people who don’t understand domestic abuse, but that should also show you just how badly your partner is behaving. His treatment of you is getting worse and worse and the fact that he doesn’t take responsibility are all signs that this is never going to change. He only shows some sort of remorse when he is caught by outsiders and even that I am sure is not real.

      It is a really difficult time when you realise that this is serious and not going to change, and especially because you still love him. You need to take a step back and realise that he is treating you very badly and also acts in a way that is dangerous. I understand your desire to not involve the police or wait until you can give him deposit money but you have no prerogative to do that and the longer he stays in your house the higher the level of risk is. I think it would be good to consider other options, like you leaving for a while or you involving the police (I know you don’t want to do this).

      The freedom programme is a really good step for you as you will meet other survivors and learn about different perpetrator behaviours. You said you have been in these types of relationships before so it would be good for you to have awareness to spot the signs early on. Remember that non of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong in this and I know that you think because you fight back you are to blame but you are not. Many women will tell you they have fought back too. You are protecting yourself and that’s different than being abusive.

      I am really glad you have found this forum and now have a place to turn to. The women on this forum understand exactly what you are going through so please post whenever you need to.

      Best wishes

      Lisa

      Forum Moderator

    • #9323
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey HUn

      Its not your shame its his, leave him on sofa if that’s where he wants to stay and don’t pay his deposit, if he wants to leave he can pay for his own deposit, cheek of it. That was very insensitive of your friends but i suppose when they don’t know how to deal with it that is response we get. Call the help line hun and ask for a support worker and see if they can guide u, he is abusive and the abuse only does get worse , they play worst mind games to make us feel bad and make us think it is us,its not us hun, post on here we offer so much support to each another as we have experienced it , this site really is a blessing

    • #9331
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Please be safe! Call the police whenever you are scared. Do not let any situation become risky for your safety. xxxxx

    • #9336
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thanks for all your support. We only moved into our rental together last week so it’s a tricky time to move out. I love the house and don’t want to leave it. We had to work hard to get it and the new landlord barely knows us. It’s not even been a week there. So dissapointed that he’s chosen now to flare up again.

      I think if I get the police involved it might make things worse. I should have enough money in a month to pay him and then when his deposit gets returned I’ll take that to repay myself so that I don’t lose out financially.

      Tonight will be day 5 of him sleeping on the sofa, he doesn’t speak to me unless he has to re the landlord or something and so we are just trying to stay out of each other’s way. We both work full time so it’s just evenings and weekends really and this weekend he stayed out quite a lot.

      i am going to take all the steps I can to help myself and I think counselling will help. It’s a difficult time and just knowing there’s this support helps immensely because I can’t talk to friends about it. I’m going to make some more calls for support at lunchtime (I’m at work) thanks again. Really appreciate it.

    • #9340
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey Hun

      Speak to us as much as u need to, make sure you always cover your tracks, r u both on the tennancy agreement , find out how u can get him removed if u paying so u stand in stronger position , get advise from support agencies, womenas aid should be able to guide u who to approch

    • #9344
      Natasha
      Participant

      Yes both our names on the agreement. Only been in the house less than a week, barely know the landlord, can’t afford to pay rent on my own but once he’s gone I can get someone else into share. Spent my entire lunch not being able to get through to the girls and women’s network. Tried to download the freedom programme but it won’t accept my debit card and I don’t have a credit card. It seems this is the easiest way to get support as not easy to get onto either freedom programme or to talk to a counselling programme. Feeling frustrated.

    • #9347
      Natasha
      Participant

      Managed to get on freedom programme via calling them directly & arranging to post a cheque – will try the W&G network again later. It’s just all so draining. I just feel exhausted by it all and on the verge of tears most of the time but will try to relax tonight.

    • #9360
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Also call Rights of Women, use their call back function. They can provide you with legal advice.
      Can you email the W&G Network?
      Of course you will be exhausted. Such a life tires us out. Hang in there. When you see it through now it will be over once and for all and then you can enjoy your life. x*x

    • #9361
      Stupidgirl40
      Participant

      Hi I have had my husband behave in exactly this way for alot of years and also fought back alot of the time even if I hit him just once it made me feel better. Others see the situation as us fighting when it is definitely not that. Everyone has a right to defend themselves and over the years I did it less. I have not starred divorce proceedings for the 2nd time of which this one I am determined I will see through. The time comes when enough is enough and if u get a chance to end it now just go with it cos things do not change x

    • #9362
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thank you. I came home from work tonight and he was happily eating his dinner while watching on the sofa. He can’t cook but can throw something easy together. He gets a cooked hot lunch at work for free everyday. He seems so smug/looks happy. He ignored me as I walked past again to get to the kitchen to put my shopping away. We are living separate lives and in this new house the sofa is more comfy so he appears in no hurry to remove himself from it. I felt disdain for him tonight. For all the hurt and pain he’s put me through. I hope I can stay feeling this way toward him as it will make it easier when it comes to him leaving. I am just trying to be good to myself. I had a dream a couple of days ago where we were in love/happy then I woke up and it felt like I was waking up into a nightmare as I immediately realised he was sleeping downstairs and we weren’t happy like in my dream. I’m glad I like my job as I can focus on that and just try to be kind to myself to get through living in silence/separate lives but at least I love the house and it’s more peaceful than having him come home moody with a miserable face. He seems happier sitting on the sofa not acknowledging my presence. I guess he feels in control. I think I can tolerate living like this in the meantime especially (removed by moderator) . He has been wanting space so now he’s got it but he’s pushed me away and I’m getting used to my space. We moved from a flat to a house do its a novelty having more room. I found it harder to live this way when he did this in the flat. I’m thinking about it a lot and all the painful situations through the cycles since I met him. How controlled I’ve felt. He’s definitely a dominating man who likes to be in control but why was I attracted to that? I think getting my own counselling will help. I’m realising how few friends I’m close to. How few friends I have to turn to which is a lonely feeling. I’m a sociable person but I’ve hidden my true feelings because when I’ve tested them out on friends I’ve received negative responses or even felt my friends were being too overbearing saying I should leave him. I have felt loyal to him like I shouldn’t speak too negatively of him when I’ve felt they are judging him. I realise I’ve been a bit of a doormat with him instead of fighting for what I want but he’s such a strong dominating personality I’ve tried them given up for an easy life rather than upset him or get into a heated argument.

    • #9379
      Natasha
      Participant

      I got through to (removed by moderator) today and they have no spaces for counselling right now but have put me in touch with another organisation so I’m going to talk to them for support. Taking one day at a time. Thanks again for your support and advice.

    • #9402
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Natasha

      Well done for looking for support don’t give up get on lists you will get there in the end.

      I am still with my abuser till the property sales, I find its easier that we don’t talk as I don’t get instant verbal abuse. Its not ideal but at least I know its will one day be at an end.

      I work full time and exercise before and after work so it means that I don’t see him too much.

      FS xx

    • #9426
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thanks. I’m feeling it more today because it’s his birthday and since its day 6 of him sleeping on the sofa after telling me he’s leaving & asking me to cancel the celebration plans is made at the weekend I haven’t done anything. It’s not my character to ignore a birthday but I don’t see why I should do anything. Valentine’s weekend coming up too I think I just need to get past these two dates. I’m pleased with the support I’ve got so far. I just have to keep going. It helps to know others are going through similar thing. The friend I tried to confide in who said perhaps I shouldn’t tell her about my relationship problems and let’s go out when it’s all blown over hasn’t responded to my my 2 chatty texts either which don’t even mention him. Being ignored by him and a close friend hurts but I get that she just can’t handle it and I’m glad I can come on here and seek other support. It just makes me wary of telling other friends because people are so quick to judge. Still putting on a brave face at work and just trying to stay strong and empower myself. He came in late last night and I was trying to get to sleep – his clothes are in our bedroom so he was gathering his stuff to take to the sofa. I felt anxiety as I never know if he’s going to talk or be drunk or something but so far we are both keeping out of each other’s way. I think 6 nights is the longest he’s been on the sofa – and I feel things coming to an end this time. I can’t keep putting myself through cycle after cycle when he wants his space he creates an argument over the smallest thing, says he’s leaving then does the silent treatment. It’s definitely a repeated cycle. I tried to tell a male friend yesterday and he said “but you must have known what you were getting into when you met him/married him. I said that he was nice to me until I moved in and I married him because I’d already been through a lot by then but was living in hope that things would get better and that he’d change. I live with a jackyl & Hyde character so it’s not always bad but I’ve now been with him long enough to see its a cycle. I hope my posts help others aswell to relate to.

    • #9432
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey Hun

      Some people just so do not get abuse, do u think if we knew it was gonna be like this we would of married them, no way, whenpeople give u negative reactionslike that put them on list not to discuss with, u will get loads of support of us dont worry, i survived after leaving just by support i got off here , i had no friends and family just didnt get it . Yes celebrations and special days do hurt, i would treat yourself instead on weekend so u not around him , treat yourself on valentines cause u love yourself and u should too . Can imagine how aqward it must be when he comes in room to get his clothes, could u not move them into another room or will that spark things up more, dont worry if this is 6th day, his testing u to see how long b4 u say this is stupid,leave him on sofa, 6 days is nothing to make a point , let him stay there for two weeks , well done for getting support,if counselling is full i dont know if they have in your area but in my new area there is a service called talking minds and they tell u where u can get counselling, this is how i got mine otherwise i was in same boast when referred by gp process . Dont even bother saying happy b day to him on weekend,if his giving cold shoulder its good cause this will give u strength to walk away from the cat and mouse game they play, reality is will hit them when we walk off and dont come back , u have to play mind games like they played with us and no need to feel guilty this is only way u escape, have u called shelter to discuss options how to be rehoused, i know u love this new house but start looking into other properties that u could move into , even if just house share to begin with

    • #9436
      godschild
      Participant

      Natasha, this all takes me back to many many years ago when mine used to sleep on the sofa, we had no spare room then but now he is in he spare room, but all of this sofa stuff is horrible and deliberate, to upset and hurt you, don’t rise ot it.
      I can also relate to all of the special occasions spoiled ruined year after yar. Its all to hurt and control you. I used to feel I had to give a card or present that usually got chucked across the room before the birthday.
      I got to the point that I didn’t bother sometimes and he complained at that as well, you will never do right, call his bluff re weekend cancel it.
      He doesn’t deserve the things you feel you have to do, ive put up with this for so long and nonly now am i coming to my senses, I used to give in and feel I had to do something nice.
      Im almost immune to valentines day this year, there have been so many spoiled, go an by yourself a lovley box of expensive chocolates or another treat to say that you are lovable to yourself
      It won’t get better unless you stand up to this, I look back now and wish I could have got support earlier, its all games, as soon as I saw your heading about sleeping on the sofa it took me rightt back.
      No way should he be disturbning you, you need to tell him to sort his stuff before he goes out, or put it all on the sofa whilst he is out yourself. I also know the anxiety of them coming in the room and you dont know how it will be, set some rules and stick to them. Try to get some books by Patricia evans on abuse and Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that. I have learned the tactics form several books and it helps you to see reality xx

    • #9512
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thanks for the advice I’ll definitely look up those books. After speaking to my mum yesterday who also said she’s had enough of hearing about him and how this has been going on too long and that he’s no longer welcome at her house if this is how he treats me and asked me not to talk about him to get again (another door closed) I rang my EAP employee assistance programme where I work. I went into an office and broke down and told them everything. They were really good the bloke I spoke to and he’s refereed me to counselling so I should hear back Friday or Monday not heard back from that one I rang a couple of days ago they must be busy but I’ll definitely get counselling through EAP at a lower cost rate because he said I need longer term support rather than the 5 weeks sessions for free they usually offer. I’ll have to pay but it should be OK to sort out a lower arrangement fee. It’s been a week now. Yesterday was tough (detail removed by moderator) and I started to miss him especially seeing messages on FB from both his and my friends and someone who had the hots for him some girl I’m no longer a friend of because she used to flirt with him (some friend) but feel bit stronger today. I’m like a see saw!

    • #9520
      godschild
      Participant

      Glad you are getting support, its not good your mom being like this, but mine was as well. Being like a seesaw is part of it, im like that our to hour, when you really realise what they are doing its hard to cope, especially when you have feelings for them. Ive had many doors closed on me and so called Freinds who drop you, but WA are very good, if you phone the helpline you can get a local support worker who understand the full dynamics of all abuse, I have my support by phone as I have agoraphobia but she is so understanding and helpful.

    • #9591
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thank you all for responding. It’s really given me the strength I need to get through each day this week. I am just doing the freedom programme now and he’s texting me from wherever he’s gone after work re his deposit when the time comes for him to leave. Even the tone on his texts is annoying. Like he’s testing me to see how I’m feeling now re his announcement that he’s leaving. Hes buying his own food etc so we have been living separate lives for a week since yesterday and I’m getting used to it. Not feeling so sad anymore. Of course work colleagues wished me happy valentines and I accepted their wishes and bought myself a big bar of chocolate on the way home from work. I’m just trying to stay positive. i am still shocked though the the reactions from some friends. I’ve had lots of oh all marriages go through ups and downs but y’know it’s about staying in it and sorting things out but if I feel like it’s an abusive cycles I don’t want to sort things out because he’s too controlling and wants it all his way. People really need educating that it’s ok to give up if you’ve tried for too long. I just feel a mixture of love/hate for him now. It’s night 9 of him sleeping on the sofa. All the rent and bills are now set up in my name so that’s one good thing as will make it easier when he moves out and I get a female in to help share.I’ve taken all your advice on board. I like the one about making a list of friends not to confide in. This experience makes me realise how important it is to be there for our friends and not close doors on them when they need us the most. So glad I decided to seek professional help. The counselling organisation should call me Monday hopefully not heard anything back from that other organisation the lady said they’d call within 48 hours so glad I used another agency too.

    • #9645
      Stupidgirl40
      Participant

      You are so right people do tell you to keep trying including my husband said this to me many times but one day I just thought the one thing I will regret is how long I tried and wish I had got out sooner. Even if he was Mt perfect we are all entitled to leave the ones we choose not to be with anymore. I just tell people I have tried for long enough and I don’t want to keep trying as life is too short x

    • #9650
      Natasha
      Participant

      I just think schools & workplaces need educating on abusive relationships to make it more acceptable in society for people to know that it’s ok to leave. He was even being controlling in my dream last night. im sorting all the bills outstanding from our old flat & he is saying (he will only communicate via email) that he won’t pay his share unless I send him all outstanding bills in one email with bills attached. I’ve already sent them to him individually with a breakdown and pointed out I’m doing all the admin for both of us & since his name is on the bill he’s legally responsible but this is just another way to control. He finds new methods all the time. He tried saying he would deduct the few ciggerettes I’d smoked on the off Friday which were his but I pointed out I’d paid toward his travel to work for months since I got my salary increase so he could deduct the odd cigarette out of that) which soon made him change his mind to ok so we are equal then (we are not as I paid more for his travel but I just had to point that out as he’s trying to control me financially now it’s coming to an end then he tried threatening me to say if there’s problems daily (only bills that have come in) he’d have to tell the landlord he’s leaving and I said that’s fine tell him but I’ll also tell him I’m staying with the tenancy contract as I’m happy here. He uses blackmail and threats for power/control. I realise our marriage has broken completely down this time as he refused to communicate only over email and said if I raise any other s**t on email he won’t respond. Even on email he drains me but it’s better than having to deal with verbal or physical abuse. He came home very late again last night no idea where he goes or where he gets the money but I just worry that he will be drunk, fall & hurt himself but I have to try to not think about him now. I told him that if he’s going to sleep separately and live separately like a lodger buy his own food etc then he had to pay half the rent and bills. I had originally agreed to pay more as I earn more but he’s not being my husband anymore he says he’s leaving and he doesn’t sleep with me in the same bed. He’s agreed to that until he leaves. After these old bills are cleared I’ll only have to email him re the new bills & rent and I’ll keep it businesslike. He has got abusuvd on email saying I’m a liar and manipulative but I just replied that I’m not those things. I met a friend yesterday and told her what he said re I have no friends and everyone hates me and she couldn’t believe it – told me I’ve got more friends than he has. He is still trying to make it my fault, he isn’t taking any accountability and he still sounds angry. I told him he just can’t handle mr because I stick up for myself and always will. I’m happy to end it this time and feeling stronger, I think the counselling support will help me too. He’s just pushing me further and further away. I think leaving is what he needs as he’s threatened it before so many times but this time he needs to follow through and actually do it. It will do him good to follow through and realise he can’t keep making threats. It’s s cycle and if he doesn’t leave it will just happen again in about 3 months time when things seem to be going well and I’m happy again he will deliberately find some reason to upset the apple cart. I need to make some new friends as I can’t talk to all the ones I have and it would be positive for me do I’m thinking to join some new social groups like a walking group or something. He keeps saying he won’t leave until I’ve paid off my half of the wedding loan which is in his name and paid him his deposit which I’ll get back at the end of the contract but I said he needs to get his name removed from the tenancy and changed into my name on the deposit if I pay him it early to leave. My property should be sold within 4-8 weeks so I’m grateful to be in s position where I can pay him his deposit and call his bluff but I think I’ll make sure it’s done properly through a solicitor do that he can’t take the money then change his
      mind. I am slowly building s good relationship with my landlord do that should help too. Thing is I don’t feel any emotions for him any love I feel a bit out of touch with my emotions like I’m not crying or anything I expect to feel grief but I don’t. I’m just being kind to myself, doing things that make me feel good while he’s still in the house and preparing myself for his departure. I’m not going to try anymore it’s his decision and I’m tired of trying to try again. He’s ruined our moving in, his birthday and Valentine’s Day.

    • #9653
      Stupidgirl40
      Participant

      I think he will find anything to call u out on. If I say something is black my ex says it’s white. It’s like dealing with a toddler any attention is good even if it’s for something bad am living with mine until our house sells in separate rooms so it’s good fun playing the avoidance game. I find he speaks when he thinks of something that may wind me up but I consider my reply carefully and am always factual just try n stay calm with your responses and don’t let him get to you. I just keep thinking every day is one day closer to freedom x

    • #9655
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thanks, yes that’s a good way to look at it. I’ve booked a gym class today. I don’t feel like it but I think I should push myself to get out of the house for a while and maintain some sort of normality. It’s hard even finding the motivation but oncd I’m out I feel better. Just to distract myself for a while.

    • #9659
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Natasha

      As they begin to lose control they become more petty, they don’t like us getting stronger. I will be working out later, exercise has been my saviour, it releases what I call my happy hormones, and it also gave me an opportunity to make new friends. I have also taken up photography again (something he ridiculed)

      Is it worth going to mediation to sort the money out, that will take it away from a you and him situation? Also my error was to try to sort the divorce between us with out a solicitor, it just gave him more opportunities to be abusive and control me.

      FS xx

    • #9668
      Confused123
      Participant

      Well done hun for taking so many positive steps

    • #9677
      Stupidgirl40
      Participant

      Exercise is a good distraction I need to start going again once the nights get longer. These men are hard work x

    • #9682
      Natasha
      Participant

      Thanks I went to yoga but it opened up my heart chakra and I cried a bit. He asked me when I got home (first time he’s spoken to me in a week) and on Valentine’s Day with no acknowledgment how to work the washing machine and the oven. I calmly gave him instructions then left him to it but I’m hurting tonight, my heart feels heavy. Craving the counselling really so I can talk it out. Glad I acted quickly this time by calling EAP as all these services involve a waiting period. Feel like I’m grieving after that yoga class. Hope I feel better tomorrow for work as prefer it when I’m feeling stronger.

    • #9683
      Stupidgirl40
      Participant

      There are days when you feel stronger than others and I feel worse if I am tired or ill buy it is all a process and once you have gone through it that’s it it’s done x

    • #9688
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Natasha

      Hugs xx

      Yoga will get all your emotions going and in the end centre you. Plenty of fluids and an early night will help.

      Well done with how you coped with interaction with your abuser, its showing even if you don’t feel it your getting stronger 🙂

      Tomorrow is another day and I’m sure work will go well.

      FSxx

    • #9702
      Bella
      Participant

      Well done, for all the positive steps, keep it up, but above all keep yourself safe.
      Take time out you are experiencing a very stressful time and it sounds like he is utilising everything at his disposal to keep you under control. Please keep yourself safe the problem with controlling individuals is when they actually realise they are losing control they can become unpredictable. Please do not be afraid to call the police. Many many big hugs. Keep strong.

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