My kids dad will not move on still

[Rosemary]

I feel tired of my situation but ime still stuck of what to do when it comes to my kids the dad will not stop talking about our relationship and that he still loves me I told him that ime not interested about the past or if he loves me I told him to cut the conversation as he gives me a headache he still comes to my place to see my kids my kids call him down my children are all for him one of my children keeps calling names for no reason that gets me down he always prases his dad up but when it comes to me he gets me down and calls me names I told my kids I don’t want him down but they don’t listen to me for some reason they are all know out for there dad I don’t understand I do everything for them and I don’t understand why they are being like this sence there dad come back In to there life so if I do anything to stop there dad from comeing I feel they are going to hate me they are children I don’t think they can see what there dad doing to me ime sick of it I want it to stop but I don’t want my kids resenting me . The thing is I hurd the kids dad say something to my child and he said he wish he could help I don’t know if his planing to get the kids off me just to pay me back but I only done it because I went thought domestic violence ime done with this I’ve had enuff of the same thing happening with the kids dad anyone got any advice .

[Lisa]

Hi Rosemary,

I’m sorry your having to go through such a difficult time with the children and their father. He is clearly using them as a means to continue his abuse and control towards you. He is not thinking of what is in their best interests and being a good father; you have every right to be be concerned.

It is exhausting having to endure such emotional control and manipulation, especially if you are isolated in all this with no support. Please do talk to your local domestic abuse service, as they will understand what you are going through. Sounds like even the children may benefit from one-to-one support, so perhaps ask your local service if this is possible. Your children cannot understand the complexities of what you are having to endure in terms of the domestic abuse. Nor can they truly understand how toxic and manipulative their father’s behaviour is.

The National Association of Contact Centres offers advice on child contact centres. They are available on 0115 948 4557 or contact@naccc.org.uk (Mon-Fri 9am-1pm). Their website has a search function to find local centres: http://www.naccc.org.uk

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri).

Family Lives provide support to parents under stress, can make local referrals, and have a forum for parents. They are contactable on 0808 800 2222 (Mon-Fri, 9am-9 pm, and 10am-3pm Sat & Sun); they also have a live chat (Mon-Fri 1.30-9pm) available through the website: http://www.familylives.org.uk

I hope you are able to engage in some help that can create positive change in this situation. Keep posting here to let us know how you are.

All the best,

Lisa

[Rosemary]

Hello Lisa thank you so much for all this information I really appreciate it and it is so stressful what I am going through and I know his giveing me manipulation and being emotionally controlling and I really feel isolated he gives me headache he don’t even breath when he talks either he goes on and on I have to tell him that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. What I worry is that my kids will be unhappy with me if there dad can’t come down my home but they need to try and understand what I am going thought it’s not easy for me .

[Footballfan1]

Hi Rosemary,

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through.
I’m in a similar position to you, a little further along I think time wise.

It’s hard but you would be doing the correct thing not allowing him to come to your house.
These toxic people are not rational, he will treat you badly and manipulate the kids.

Your children will find it difficult to understand why you are stopping their dad from visiting the family home.
Could you get advice from domestic abuse team on how to have this discussion with your children?

I managed to chat to my children about it, they had witnessed the abuse so when I pointed out to them that daddy scares me when he shouts at me, throws things and calls me names, this seemed to register with them.
It still took a while longer for them to fully grasp that one of their caregivers was dangerous and not to be trusted.
It goes against their nature to think that way, it’s really challenging.

I had to stop my kids having any communication with their dad in the end.
No phone calls or anything.
Because he was struggling to control me, (I had hardened up to his tactics) he was trying to control the kids through manipulation, giving presents, treats, buying their affection etc..
When ex didn’t get what he wanted in return, he took it out on the kids in various ways.
They soon came to see his true colours.

Hang in there, it won’t last forever.
You are caught in the middle of the kids wanting contact with their dad.
They don’t know yet that he is abusive and unhealthy for them.
X*x

[Author]

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