24th February 2016 at 8:36 pm #10354StarmoonParticipant
I have a support worker threw cmht after having a brake down last year. She asked me today if I’d done the freedom program. Threw out my dealings with the mental health team, I’ve been asked numerous times if I’ve done or am going to do this program and people close to me are keen I do too. Last year I went along to one session and it didn’t fit the bill for me at all. I felt like a fraud… Despite the lady who was running it telling me that what I was/am living is abuse- I still couldn’t relate to ANY of it. I read the whole book and very little aspects of it reminded me of my situation. This all made the whole thing so much more confusing and in fact had a detrimental effect, and made me believe I was wrong to think he was an abuser.
But after many more ups and downs since that one session- I’m back to believing he is one.
I’m told by cmht that my anxiety and depression is hugely triggered by him.. And I now even show signs of bpd. I’ve said on here in the past that it’s a case of the chicken and the egg. I don’t know if I was depressed before him or I am as a result of him. I suspect mainly as a result of him. Family and friends are keen that I do the program but I’d rather work on myself personally and build myself up. I came away from that session with such a cloud of confusion; that I can’t imagine it ever helping. I know it’s helped many of you on here and I can relate to so many of your stories.. Which is what makes it confusing.
I’ve waffled on but my point is that I can relate so much to you on here. There’s so many of you that write posts and I think ‘I could’ve written that myself’. So being on here helps (even when I’m in huge melt down stage) in fact this place has been a life line for me… And it still is. I really don’t know what I’d do without you all on this forum. So thank you.
24th February 2016 at 9:34 pm #10358lover of no contactParticipant
I agree, I identify so much with the experiences shared on this Forum.
And your posts Starmoon help us so much too. It reminds me of the horrible pain of the abuse when I was in the cycle of abuse with my abuser, so I can make choices and stay aware, so that I never go into a relationship (even a post-separation one) with my abuser.
And when you are experiencing the huge ‘melt-down stage’ as you describe, due to being abused, it puts in words how my ‘just-adult’ daughter feels as unfortunately she is still in a cycle of abuse with my ex-abuser (her dad). And it gives me hope that she may start to survive it, and begin the process of leaving which starts with awareness of what’s going on (sadly she’s still in denial phase and ‘blaming herself phase’,.
So keep posting Starmoon, we all help each other. Together we can break free from our abusers.
Abuse is cunning. baffling and powerful, too much for any of us on our own, but there is a collective strength from all us ladies together that will help us live an abuse- free life for us and our children.
24th February 2016 at 9:34 pm #10359Confused123Participant
We all different so don’t worry if u feel the course won’t help u , I’m still on waiting list and want to give it try, so many ha e told me by sticking it out they progress , quite few have felt not for them in first few session but have heard its worthtrying it all out , see how u feel
24th February 2016 at 10:54 pm #10375SerenityParticipant
Trauma can look like BPD, or trauma can cause it- the two are so interwoven.
I remember some months back, you really did t believe you were experiencing abuse and even blamed yourself.
I would say that it’s just that your abuser was very cunning and sly, and adept at making you think it was all your doing, as mine did. A lot of mind games, gaslighting and manipulation.
I have said before that our abusers sound the same. I think going to a Freedom / Pattern Changing course might very well benefit you, if only to build up a support network. You might not identify with all of it, but I truly think much of it will be applicable. I would keep going past the first two sessions: it then gets easier.
Also, I think you might be more able to see and predict your abuser’s tactics by reading Evan Starck’s ‘Coercive Control’ as it sounds as if your ex very much operates according to this.
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