My mind is playing games with me.

[Whendoesitend]

My mind is on over drive. I don’t have anyone to talk to regarding this. People just don’t understand or will think I’m crazy. I feel like I must be crazy sometimes!
He is STILL living rent free in my mind! I don’t get it. I don’t want him to be there. But there he is. I’m having obsessive thoughts about him and I want it to stop.
Then I’m questioning myself like did I make a mistake? Did I exaggerate things?? Was it really that bad? Maybe I was just too sensitive? Was it because we were young? He was my first love. Have I messed up in walking away from him?? Ugh. Then in a second breath I’m thinking I want to get into his head and mess with his mind so he can see how it feels!! I want him to feel unforfilled and unsettled and the discomfort that I feel with all these conflicting emotions!! I’m angry but I’m sad, but I miss him, but the idea of being around him makes me anxious.
This all started when I found out he had had a baby with his current partner. Something I always imagined we would do together.
Yes he caused the pain but he also made it better. And then I go back to thinking “well did he cause the pain? Was I too sensitive? Am I over exaggerating??”
Ugh I just want it to stop. It’s been nearly (detail removed by moderator) since I left him. I’ve always had thoughts of him and a lot of things remind me of him, but I’ve always managed to control it. Until this last piece of information. Now my mind is in overdrive. I’m with a new partner now myself but the relationship hasn’t been great. He’s trying much harder now though. I feel guilty for thinking like this. Sorry for going on. Needed to rant. 😪😪

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds like you have PTSD. Do you have any support like a therapist? I have these symptoms on and off too, it’s very common after abuse.

No you weren’t too sensitive and you are not over exaggerating. It’s your mind trying to process the trauma and it is incredibly painful and confusing. I can imagine that him having a child with a new partner would add to the pain and confusion too. It’s very common for abusers to move on quickly and get the new girl pregnant very soon, they often try to manipulate women into unprotected sex and create a fake ‘soulmate’ persona at the beginning so each new partner thinks he’s ‘the one.’

I really wish there was training in schools about these types of men, and that society did something about them rather than just hoping we can spot them in time.

Anyway, just wanted to say I can relate and what you’re feeling is totally normal – to go from missing him to fearing him to being repulsed to being sad all in a few minutes. It settles down gradually, in cycles, but therapy and support is needed. There are also lots of good books on abuse, not sure if you have read any but I am finding them helping with my recovery. Keep going you’re on the right path xx

[SunshineRainflower]

P.s Write down all of the abuse he did if you haven’t already, I wrote 12 pages of it and it’s so useful to read when you are having doubts, a real life saver.

[Whendoesitend]

Hi. Thankyou so much for your reply. All of this in my head makes me feel so alone. People really don’t understand and get fed up of hearing it if u talk about it. At the moment I don’t have a therapist. I think I need to look into getting one. I’ve never really talked it all out and looked at it and dealt with my feelings. I’ve just kept myself busy from one thing to the next in order to try and block it out. I’ve been in my current relationship for quite a while but before this and after splitting from my abusive ex I went from one relationship to another so as not to give myself a space in my mind to think of him and how sad and confused I felt about it all. I truly never wanted to end the relationship with him. I loved him. I just wanted it to work. I realised I had to walk away when it started getting physical.
Finding a good counsellor who understands and has worked with domestic abuse is really hard. 🙁

[fizzylem]

It didn’t feel right. Remember that. He made you doubt yourself for control. Yes it hurts to learn of the new baby, this is usually nearly always such a joyous time, sounds like you are grieving for the future you hoped you would have together, perfectly normal for women like us, sounds to me that you are in the midst of working something thru,so that u can let go just a bit more x

[Emmlogan]

Your post was so weirdly timed for me. I can’t sleep because in a few hours I pick up the keys to my new house, the first since I left. I woke up with the suffocating thought that I was making a mistake, that it wasn’t that bad, that I’d exaggerate things it in my head, that maybe I was just too sensitive, that I messed up in walking away from him.

I was about to write a similar post to yours but reading your words, seeing my exact thoughts narrated so perfectly by a complete stranger, is proof enough that we are merely a product of of very well executed process of belief altering abuse.

I can’t imagine how devastating the news of the baby must be (my ex is still on the ‘I’m sorry, I love you, come back’ phase) but one day, when youve manged to jet wash your mind clean again, you will see what a lucky escape you had not having a baby with a man who treated you so badly, you’re on a Women’s Aid forum. If it helps, and it has helped me, think about your best friend telling you she wants to have a man who treated her like that.

Whendoesitend, thank you so much for being total stranger who helped screw my head back on at 5an on a Tuesday morning. Be strong 💪 😍

[Whendoesitend]

Thankyou ladies for your replies. It’s so reassuring to know someone is listening.
Yes the news of the baby absolutely devastated me. I really thought it would be me and him. Sounds rediculous after all these years.
It’s comforting and somewhat sad when someone else’s story resonates with you. Sad that, in order to possibly understand one must have gone through similar themselves. Glad it helped you Emmlogan. 🙂 us ladies must stick together.

I think for me, to see that he is happy is very hard. He has a very successful business,lovely house, nice cars, a new partner, a baby, enough money to never have to worry about everything, a good social life, nice friends who have no idea what he can be like. Ugh. I know it’s wrong but I so wanted him to be truly miserable. It seems so unjust that I (and other ladies in my position) haven’t actually done anything wrong and yet are left feeling unfulfilled, unhappy, longing, missing their ex, left with anxiety, depression, ptsd , trauma bonding etc etc. And yet they get to move on with their lives and be happy. It just seems so wrong. 🙁

I have been very tempted to message him just to get into his head. He pestered me to get back with him for many years after I left. I want him to not be able to get me out of his head too so he can feel the discomfort that comes with it. Oh god I sound rediculous. I dardent talk to other people about this as I realise how crazy it sounds.

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