My mother knew and didn’t help

[Dobedo]

I was very young when I met my abusive ex-partner. I had a very low self-esteem, it was my (detail removed by moderator) and I was incredibly inexperienced. It’s probably worth mentioning that I have a history of sexual assault from my (detail removed by moderator).

We had broken up quite quickly into the relationship anyway due to verbal and mental abuse, about (detail removed by moderator) in, but my mental health was so appalling we got back together quite soon afterwards.

When the physical abuse started, I finally got brave enough tell my mother over the phone that he was hitting me and was refusing to leave my flat, that I didn’t know what what to do and was terrified of him. She all but ignored it, told me I shouldn’t have got together with him in the first place. I was expecting her to be outraged, offer to help. The reaction she had been the same when (detail removed by moderator) been raped.

(detail removed by moderator) later, as a result of him breaking my jaw I’ve recently had to have (detail removed by moderator). I finally brought it up again, that she didn’t help or even seem all that upset or outraged and she’s again blamed me. Said it’s my fault that I have appalling taste in men.

It’s made me very depressed. I didn’t expect her to fix it all but she just blamed me for it.
I didn’t know what he was.

[KIP.]

You are absolutely not to blame for any of this. Your mother is wrong and very ignorant. Victim blaming is appalling. Maybe she knows she should have helped you and can’t face that fact so she victim blames instead. I had very similar from a friend I confided in. We can’t know what is going on in their heads but it’s no reflection on you. Have you had any counselling? I think it would really help you to understand. We are not to blame. Abusers choose to abuse. And she is responsible for her actions, not protecting her child and that is her guilt to carry. You just need to concentrate on you and your recovery in the meantime. Talk to women’s aid. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

[Dobedo]

For the first time in some time I’m having really awful panic attacks.

She actually said ‘I didn’t know he was hitting you hard enough to (detail removed by moderator)’

Just w*f am I meant to say to that? I’d told her he’d split my lip and nothing happened.

I’m starting to wonder if our relationship is even repairable at this point.

[KIP.]

If possible it would be good to put some distance between you both for a while. My therapist told me I married my mother and she may have a point. You cannot argue with someone like that. She cannot see she’s done anything wrong and that’s her problem, you won’t be able to convince her otherwise so just concentrate on yourself x

[Camel]

Hi Dobedo

I understand how let down you must feel. But sadly it’s just a fact that not every mother is any good at mothering. This is a whole new sh*t-pit for you to deal with and perhaps you should park it for later. On the other hand, I only came to realise I’d been the victim of controlling abuse long into research that began with trying to understand my own failure of a mother.

We look to our mothers first for validation. If we’re lucky we get a mother who sees us as separate to her.If we’re unlucky we get one who only sees a reflection of herself. Daughters of mothers like this dedicate all their energy into winning their mothers’ approval. They become people pleasers, more tuned in to the feelings of others than their own. Daughters like this are much more likely to find themselves in abusive relationships.

I don’t blame my mother for how my life turned out. I certainly don’t plan to discuss any of it with her. She just wouldn’t get it. And besides, an apology wouldn’t change history. I was angry for a long time but that’s shifted to indifference.

Dobedo, your mother is flawed and nothing will change that. You can only change what you expect from her and how much of yourself you give her. Holding on to the anger is really a waste of your energy. Especially if she doesn’t accept any blame. Anger like this could eat away at you.

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