My new found strength seems to be breaking him down

[Secretlife]

I’m new to this forum. Like many of us I never realised I was experiencing abuse. Initially it was a huge shock, but I have also gained a lot of inner strength from knowing I am not going crazy and overreacting like my husband makes me believe. Because I’m feeling stronger I’ve been able to stand up to my husband and not break down in front of him like I used to. He’s now accusing me of ‘locking him out’, I guess he doesn’t feel so in control of me and wonders why I’m behaving differently. However, (detail removed by Moderator) he absolutely exploded at me, ranting on about how cruel I am to him and telling me to go and see a solicitor for a divorce. I am totally dependent on him financially and I live in his house, I have no job and we share a car. I’m not sure what to do. He’s forcing me into a very difficult and frightening position. I feel so vulnerable. I have no one I can talk to about this. Should I tell him to go and start divorce proceedings and stay where I am as ultimately he would have to pay me half the cost of the house with which I could get my own home? Things have been bad for years now, although I feel very unhappy and emotionally exhausted by it all I wonder if I should stick it out. I have no where I can go, although he is not violent he is emotionally controlling. What should I do?

[KIP.]

Do not confront him. Talk to a solicitor but dont tell him anything. This is typical abuser behaviour when they lose control. Now he’s trying to regain control by threats and will throw all sorts of things at you to try and read your reaction. Talk to your local women’s aid. Abusers keep us financially dependent as a form of control too. Find out what you’re legally entitled to. Work with your local women’s aid on a safe exit plan. Your new found strength isn’t breaking him down it’s putting you in danger. And making him angrier.

[Catjam]

Mine also complained about my new found strength. Apparently he was annoyed with himself for encouraging me to be more confident. Nothing to do with my learning how he has treated me for years was so wrong. He also complained I was pushing him out and treating him with coldness.
He totally went the other way though after I refused to leave and tried begging and declaring his undying love for me.
I agree with Kip, get as much advice as you can. This is something I need to do as I have walked away but told him I have done it for space rather than leaving him for good. Definitely the cowards way out but he is currently respecting the no contact.

[Risingup]

I had a very similar experience. When the ‘penny dropped’ a year ago that I was in an abusive relationship (prior to that I thought everything was my fault and I needed to work harder at the relationship), it’s crazy, how I was gaslighted for so long.

Anyway, as soon as I started sticking up for myself and defending myself the abuse escalated. Silent treatment, rage etc! I just became overwhelmed and he weakened me! I have made two attempts to leave, but still have not made the final exit. I am hopeful it will be soon.

I agree with the other women. Keep safe! Have a bag packed and get out when it’s safe for you. You are absolutely right when they feel you getting stronger their behaviour escalates.

Sending love and support to you all.

[Lookforward5678]

Hello it’s a typical behaviour my most recent incident happened after I ended things I lived in his house and we weren’t married but have children. Further abuse happened after he wanted us out and police were involved again. Honestly I would go I wish I did a long time ago just because he doesn’t physically hit you doesn’t make it hurt any less you don’t deserve his behaviour and he absolutely will not change I learnt the control they have when lost only increases there abuse when it starts to end. I would speak to a solicitor and don’t tell him I did and it was the best decision I made and they can even be told until things go to court to not inform him there’s lots of protection much more than I realised but don’t be afraid I left with my children we’re currently using our safety plan but have a new home and I know we’re finally somewhere he won’t find us.

Sending big hugs !
X

[Secretlife]

Thank you all for your responses, I am finding them hugely helpful, particularly as you are all at different stages. I will go and seek legal advice and contact womens aid for help with an exit plan. It must feel so good to be out, I liked your idea Catjam of leaving for ‘space’. It almost goes without saying that my husband has done a complete u-turn now and is declaring his undying love for me and promising to change – I don’t believe a word of it and will continue my plan to leave him. Thank you again for your support today, it is really appreciated. Sending hugs to you all xxxx

[Author]

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