My plans are delayed and it’s affect is crippling me

[Tuppance]

Hello everyone.
My house ( my escape ) took longer to buy than was planned and so have only had the keys a few days. My family have been brilliant helping me to do itup as it was in a dire state. The problem is that what I thought would be two weeks work is turning into 4 and that takes me to Christmas.
My family say I should delay moving until after xmas but it is then our eldest son birthday beginning of Jan so that means delaying until mid/end Jan.
The additional problem with this is that over a year ago we booked a xmas holiday with friends we have been away with before. I thought I would be out in good time but I am not and so I have had to pay the balance. The kids are so excited about it. My doctor says I am not fit to fly. My family say I must go as I will ruin Christmas for the kids and they will never forget that. This means being thousands of miles from home, with no access to women’s aid or my doctor. I will have to be with him and all the drink ing for (detail removed by moderator). It was this time last year that he broke me finally. I don’t want to go but as I am already so anxious about the kids reactions to us separating I feel obliged to go. I can’t get my head into Christmas but I must, I know. Every year it has been a time of tension and walking on eggshells, too much drinking, he has never got involved with decorating or choosing presents or wrapping them or anything. I can’t think of what to buy – last year some of my choices were very ungrategully rubbished. I just cannot fave the thought of pretending everything is ok for 20 days. (detail removed by moderator). It is only my kids that had kept me here so long. I knew when we had our other child a few years back that it would mean I would have to stay with him longer and I resented that for a while. I don’t blame my baby of course, please don’t think that. What should I do? How can I cope going away – even the noise and chaos of the airport is stressing me now xx

[Anon123]

Dear tupence,
I’m pleased you have the hope of your new home and a new start.
It’s not easy but I think you need to put yourself first and if you don’t want to go on Holiday, don’t.
I would say move into your new home as soon as you can, even if it means living in one room. The children will be excited by the new home, a holiday may be nice but you are more important than that, they won’t enjoy you’re not.
Also I take it that he’s going to be there, another reason definately not to go.
Please remember you’re new lovely start and all the plans you can make for how your home is going to be.
Xx

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Forget whatever everyone is saying and just think of yourself first, if u want to leave in 10 days you go, things are always going to be happening, when we leave there is never a right time sadly, some one is always going to be upset, when i left it was going to be a few days b4 my son b day but things happeneed and i ende dup leaving two weeks earlier. You wont spoil the kids xmas, if u stay till afteer xmas then u willbe thinking next its my son b day, i’ll spoil that, i know its hard but just take a deep breath and take that first step, u can do it

[Suntree]

There is never a right time to leave.
There are options, excuse my questions.

Why is your son’s birthday stopping you leave? It shouldn’t, it might feel that you want something but that is a wish not reality.

I take it everyone knows you are leaving are the kids coming with you?

Could you live in the house and do it up at the same time?

It is fun when you are a kid and the the shelves are made from a wooden plank balanced on bricks.
Kids these days will kick up more if they don’t have wifi.

Is he going to have access to the kids, holidays etc?

Then why don’t you start that now. let them go with your friends, you stay home as the Dr says.
You do realize if you go against the Dr’s advice and something happens on holiday you are not insured.

You could use that time when they are away to move the house along and get a bit of you back without the pressure of him around.

If the kids have to stay with you that is no biggy either, might seem like it but it isn’t. The Dr has said you can’t go. you need to cancel anyway and get the money back from the insurance.
The later you leave this the less likely you won’t get that money back.

Deep breaths, write a logical list down to help you see because right now everyone is using emotional blackmail and that is never good.

Hugs

[Ayanna]

Can you move into the house while it is still unfinished?

You need to speak to your family. You need to tell them how broken you are and the horrors of going away with him. They should understand you.

[KIP.]

I lived out of a caravan. Move out now and let him take the kids on holiday. That break will be perfect for you to gather your strength. Get a GP letter and claim back the insurance if you can for your holiday. Don’t go. It will mean you are at his mercy for 10 days. I actually cancelled a weekend away towards the end as I was terrified of being left alone with him so I know how you feel.

[WalkerInTheRain]

There really never is a good or perfect time to leave as there will always be an events on the horizon. You have the opportunity and whether you leave now or in a few weeks or months, the hard part of finding a roof over your heads and support is already done.
It’s surprising how little you can get by on in a house. I was overwhelmed by the kindness of my family, friends, colleagues who opened their doors and offered me tea and chat or meals. The slight change of scene made the world of difference when I was sleeping on a pull out bed for ages.

Choosing to wait will partly depend on how much strength reserves you have inside yourself to continue to tolerate his behaviour.

[Tuppance]

Thankyou so much for replying. Part of the problem is that it was my dad that actually told me it would damage my relationship with my kids if I ruined their Christmas and he and my mum and brother are the main support structure I have. I am going to speak to my mum tomorrow and see if she knows what my dad said and if she agrees ( they don’t often !) all
Of you will know the fragility I feel regarding my children disowning me / being hurt and I am a natural people pleaser – that’s why I have stayed for so long. Tonight my boy is behaving like his dad – his dad has been away 2 nights ( heaven !) but his dad is home tonight and my boy is blanking me and engaging with his dad. I think he is playing games. I must be strong and fight this need for constant affection / validation from my children. One day they will leave. On another day they may disagree with something I have said and cut me off – I think I am trying to pre-empt every move in the future . I have to be realistic Thankyou all xxxxx

[KIP.]

I was always trying to pre-empt every move. We become this hyper vigilant to try and avoid their displeasure and punishment. It never works because it’s not us that is the problem. If you explain to your family that it’s destroying you by staying with him. And you need their support to help you leave. No time of the year is great and yes I felt terrible guilt and a need to keep my son happy. My son followed his fathers behaviour and couldn’t stand to see me happy. Your children need a parent not a friend. I think my son saw my weakness and tuned into it. It took me a long time to stand up to him. He has to show respect or he’s not welcome. Please try to put yourself first. Contact with abusers suck the life from us. You can move from one home to the other. When he comes home, you can go to the other house but this is when things will get nasty. When he sees you have the freedom to drop him. That you don’t need him. My ex screamed at me to leave. He couldn’t stand that I had somewhere else I could go.

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