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I am struggling today. My eldest has decided that he wants nothing more to do with his Dad, my ex. After a long phone call where he challenged his dad on all his behaviour and lies he came to the conclusion he has had enough. I have spent so long treading a tightrope and listening to the lies he feeds both my kids, and the constant underlying threat that one day he will ‘reveal the truth’?! I live in constant fear, I feel bullied, intimidated and constantly on edge.
I have maintained no direct contact between me and him so instead he writes letters to them both which are actually for me. He insinuates there are people in our neighbourhood and in their schools watching us. I have a child arrangements order and a prohibited steps order so there is no access. His latest letter to my eldest said that he believed he was being fed incorrect information and being manipulated by me and that he and ‘others’ were not happy about it and were going to put it right. He is a criminal. He gaslighted us all for years pretending he had a job. He stole thousands of pounds from (detail removed by moderator). And years later he is still punishing us for it.I feel I cannot escape and I can’t breath. I am waiting all the time for the next bomb to go off, constantly looking over my shoulder. I am so very angry that he gets to make me feel ashamed, guilty and insecure in my own home when he is the one that did something wrong. But the more I angry I get the more I want to speak out and I know that would give him an ‘in’… I can hear him now “See I told you she was a crazy, paranoid, unstable b***h” So I remain stifled and suffocated and now my son is feeling the same. He is being gaslighted too and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to scream at the absurdity and unfairness of it all. It seems my silence is making it worse
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Perhaps you could revisit that and get it changed as it’s badly affecting their mental health and yours? Especially now your son doesn’t want contact. If that doesn’t work then get your son to bin each letter without opening it. Or ask him if he would like you to intercept them on his behalf. Don’t read them unless you’re going to use them as evidence for a non molestation order for the kids, Your son is entitled to keep abusive people out of his life. He has choices and he should not feel guilty in refusing contact. Change of mobile number or email address etc. Teach the kids they have the right to be safe physically and mentally. Perhaps women’s aid may be able to offer support for you. When I took back control my mental health and mood improved. Maybe you could buy cheap mobile phones only for contact with their dad and they can switch them off when they don’t want to hear from him. Allowing them the same protection we have. Not sure what age they are but Rights of Women offer free legal advice. He’s doing this to upset you so try not to give him the satisfaction x
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Any contact from an abuser is toxic to us. Zero contact means zero mind games, zero manipulation, zero seed planting, zero pain, zero panic etc x keep gathering all the evidence you can. Try to write a journal of the contact and the way it’s made you all feel. Keep the letters for the court. Clearly he doesn’t have his children’s best interest in mind and it should be all them, their happiness, their health. I know how isolating it feels so keep posting as we can all relate to that feeling but you can get past this. Take the power back and move things away from him x
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This advice is amazing. I can’t thank you all enough. I have felt so powerless lately and confused as to what the right thing to do is.
Twisted Sister are you able to advise (detail removed by moderator) Though this does not worry me I am concerned that it will drag the children through even more stress and turmoil, reliving what has already been a very traumatic set of circumstances.
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Some sound advice been offered here.
All I would add is ask yourself this..
‘am I silent because I am forced to be silent’
or is it
‘I am choosing to be silent as I respect this is my sons/childrens process and this is what he/they need from me’
Something you all share is your experience of him; what you can always do, without saying this is what happened to me, is ’empathise’ with your children and ‘validate their feelings’ – you get it, you see it, you’ve also experienced it – means you can spot things so very clearly when he does these things to them.
You were on your own with this and if you are anything like the rest of us, it took you a while to figure it out. What would have been the most helpful to me in this situation is having someone who understands. You can be a powerful support to them because of this x
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(detail removed by moderator). This needs to be done without you present or he will accuse you if parental alienation.you need to look like you’ve encouraged them as much as you can but now it’s affecting them in a detrimental way. It can’t be about you. So get the kids to sit with the GP or therapist maybe both and write it all down, everything. Get the trusted person to confirm you had no part to play with this meeting. They can sign on the seal of the envelope ie kids and professional and the GP sends it direct (detail removed by moderator) You don’t ever get to read it even afterwards. Very cloak and dagger but it worked for me as low and behold yes he pulled the old parental alienation card -it didn’t wash. Womens aid could help the kids and support them to write something too. The more professional I put the better I’d say go all out xxxx this is totally doable xx much love diymum xx 💕 💪
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