9th August 2019 at 4:22 pm #85394
I’ve got a really tricky situation and I’m so ashamed and I just don’t know where to turn or who to talk to. I’ll provide a bit of background first.
I left my abusive ex (detail removed by moderator). We have children together and I had been with him for over (detail removed by moderator) I also had children from previous relationships when we met and over the years he has not always been good to them either. I won’t specifically say everything that’s happened but my ex was very controlling, negative, aggressive, used coercive control and sometimes used physical violence. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time and he was always swapping from being Mr Nice and Mr Nasty.
Anyway, I found the strength to leave him, but he became worse, I got an injunction and we eventually had to go into refuge. (detail removed by moderator)
He made my life hell and always claimed I lied about the abuse.
Just over (detail removed by moderator) after I left him I actually met another man. Complete opposite of my abusive ex. It was so nice to have a normal relationship and life. My ex eventually found out about my new partner and of course it made him worse. Luckily I had no real contact with him apart from hangovers with the children, but of course he used to use that time to ‘get at me’ and also try and keep the children for longer, something which he has always done, using the children to get to me. I was lucky to have a supportive partner get through these times.
About (detail removed by moderator) after I met my new partner I found out I was pregnant and we were so happy, but unfortunately we suffered a miscarriage and my world fell apart. I sank into a massive depression, but held onto my partner and concentrated on my children. I had counselling and it helped, but it got so bad I actually started to push my partner away and I asked him for space, so we split up, but still had contact. I craved the family I used to have and felt dreadful. In this time my ex came to mine to drop the children off and I ended up opening up to him about the whole situation….. the worst thing I could of done. Anyway of course my ex used it to his advantage and started playing the ‘Mr Nice’ again and I was sucked into believing him. He wanted us to be a family again. We ended up sleeping together a few times, but deep down I knew this was wrong. (detail removed by moderator) I was still seeing my ex boyfriend sometimes as his love always felt genuine and true and apart from the hurt of my miscarriage blurring everything I knew I still wanted to be with him.
A few weeks down the line I find out I’m pregnant again. I’m filled with happiness and dread. I look at my dates I believe it is my ex boyfriends baby, but there’s also the chance it could be my abusive ex. I tell both men the situation. My ex boyfriend is hopeful it is his, claiming that he will be ‘devastated if it isnt’, but won’t have anything to do with the pregnancy or baby until its proved it’s his. My abusive ex is really happy, but becomes aggressive when I tell him it’s probably my ex boyfriends. He says he will be supportive even if it isn’t his, which I don’t believe or even want. He convinced himself it’s probably his. I don’t think it is.
The problem I have now, a few months down the line is that my ex is constantly on at me day in and day out begging me to go back to him, so we can be a proper family and he can be involved in the pregnancy. I’ve repeated told him no. But I get told I’m selfish and not doing what’s best for the children etc. It’s so draining. If I don’t cooperate with him he becomes aggressive and argumentative. I only contact him regarding the children and contact arrangements but he’s been keeping the children for longer and longer each time and using them to blackmail or to punish me. Something which is easier for him to do during the summer holidays.
I want to seek legal advice and help from dv support, as I know what he is doing is using this awful situation to control me again. But I’m so ashamed and worried that I will be looked down on for even having anything to do with him again, especially after everything we’ve been through with court and social services.
(detail removed by moderator) and I actually believe him. I know he will use everything I’ve ever said against me. I wish I could just get my kids and run away and never ever have anything to do with him again.
I just don’t know what to do.
9th August 2019 at 4:44 pm #85395KIP.Participant
Hello and welcome. It’s a fact that women return on average 7 times to their abuser so there’s no guilt or shame in what you did. You were extremely vulnerable and that’s when an abuser will take advantage of you. Don’t let his threats and bullying influence your decision. Is there a third party that can do handovers for you. Any direct contact with your abuser will be used to manipulate you. Absolutely zero contact is the way forward. I know ts difficult when you have children but it’s even more important as the children are obviously being used in this situation to cause you stress and worry. Trauma is a terrible thing and when we are traumatised, we don’t think straight. We have all craved the lovely man we thought we had met, only for his mask to slip again and again. You have a right to say who is in your life and who is not. Your hormones will be all over the place and stress is bad for the baby too. I’d tell both partners that you need space from each of them until the baby is born. If they won’t accept it then it’s time to get them out your life. Take this time to enjoy your pregnancy and your children. Nobody who brings stress to your life just now should be allowed near. Time for self preservation. Don’t worry about being judged. Until someone has walked in your shoes they have no right to judge and if they do, they’re no friend and certainly no professional x keep posting for support. Congratulations on the baby 👶🏻. It should be a wonderful time for you x
9th August 2019 at 4:45 pm #85396KIP.Participant
Forgot to add, you’ve absolutely nothing to be ashamed about x
9th August 2019 at 9:36 pm #85413
Thank you for replying xx
Unfortunately the only 3rd party we occasionally use was his parents, but the last time I tried going through them, my ex said they won’t get involved anymore.
I know what you are saying, I just feel cornered by my ex right now. I think the fear of him threatening to make me look like an idiot in court and in front of other professionals is what I’m worried about more than anything. I feel so ashamed about the whole situation. I know he can be so nasty, he will no doubt try and humiliate me more.
I have now got in touch with my local dv support and I’m seeing them next week. I hope they will be able to help me with this. I’m also speaking to my old solicitor as he’s still refusing to let the children come back to me. I’m completely stressed and upset. He’s messaged me today to ask how the unborn baby is, saying ‘how’s my baby?’, he’s just assuming it’s his, but I’m pretty sure it’s not. He just won’t accept what I’m saying. I only replied to ask how the kids were. I hate him so much.
9th August 2019 at 9:44 pm #85415
Also my ex boyfriend who i believe is the father, has nothing to do with me now.
He was completely heartbroken when I told him about my abusive ex being in the situation. I so wish I could turn back time. He has said he wants to know once the baby is born and then have a dna test and go from there. So no problems from him.
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