My son is replacing me

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I believe my husband is using our youngest child to replace me. My husband receives zero attention and almost zero reactions from me at the moment and my husband is constantly with our son talking about things, doing things together etc. Our son never goes out with me at all and keeps watching programs on tv with his dad, something which he doesn’t do with me, his mum, at all any more. They shop together too.
But it’s the type of behaviour and the types of discussions that take place which worry me. It’s like watching a couple together. It’s really not appropriate and our son is not having his development needs met. He doesn’t socialise nor goes out with friends, he is not learning about relationships nor budgeting. It’s all literally missing from his life. He is a rescuer child, a caretaking child and an appeaser. It’s not right at all. It feels to me like my husband has replaced his supply of attention via our son who is acting indirectly as a much older person, and most like a replacement companion.

Could anyone give me advice on this as it deeply concerns me. I believe our son has chosen to eventually live with his dad and I have spoken about my concerns to the Camhs specialist who recently took over our son’s case.
I really worries me.
Knowing not so long ago my husband’s drinking lead to some upsetting times and that our son has expressed concerns and feelings, I know he has forgiven his dad but I haven’t. I just think our son is a victim of his dad’s manipulations, the ones I fell for too over the decades. Everything needs to be ignored so to speak,abuse is not mentioned and I fear our son is now playing in that cycle of abuse till his dad’s true colours shine again…

[KIP.]

Absolutely right. Abusers are predators and what better Victim than a child that gives unconditional love. From a man who has strangled and raped I would be very worried. I had my ex arrested and removed from the home as I was too traumatised and trauma bonded to my home to leave. Looks like he is getting his n*********c fuel from somewhere else and if he can hurt and punish you at the same time then he will. I can just imagine the joy it brings him to see the wedge he is driving between you. I can only encourage you to get out or get him out.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Bridget,
Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know how much it hurts and how worrying it is. I have two sons, both have witnessed their fathers drunken behaviour, are aware he lies and manipulates. I tried to keep them shielded from it while they were young, but as they grew older I stopped shielding them and let them make their own minds up. I believed they were both fully aware of what he was like. My younger son does and has suffered mental abuse from his father. The older son is aware, has told me not to let him manipulate me and even stuck up for me. This year I’ve been working really hard preparing myself to leave and have increasingly noticed how his father discussed things with him, financial matters, asking my son to try to persuade me to do things, asking for his opinion on things. As you said things that he should have been discussing with me his wife. He never really has though. Initially it was his own father he talked to now it’s our eldest son, bypassing me.
As you can imagine I was deeply hurt when my son told me his dad would never change, just accept that he loves me and forget about the rest! Then asked how did I know for sure he told lies anyway?
I don’t know how old your son is, mine is an adult now. I think he’s been taken in by the lies about loving me and he’s the one who stopped me from leaving the last time. The worrying part is that he’s always accepting money from his dad, knows d****d well he’s a liar and accused him to his face the other day, maybe he’s just saying these things because he doesn’t want me to leave, but I worry his dad has corrupted him. The only thing I can do for him now is leave. At present he sees me as being a weak doormat, no self confidence or respect etc and mostly obeying his father. He associates being caring, honest and respectful as signs of weakness. I refuse to lower my standards when possible. I haven’t told barefaced lies, but am concealing the truth that I’m still continuing with my plans to leave. I can’t force my son to believe me and not his father’s lies, but I warned him in (detail removed by Moderator) that I would leave if he didn’t stop lying and manipulating me. He doesn’t admit that he does and certainly hasn’t stopped so I feel justified. The only way to win my sons love and respect is by showing him I’m not weak, not paranoid or delusional or hysterical. I warned him I’d leave and so I will. I refuse to enable him to keep abusing me or my younger son. I’m guessing you’re son is younger. I’m afraid all I did was stay put, protecting my sons in the early years, then letting them see who he really was bit by bit and giving them as much love and support as I could. Both my sons are aware of and stand up to his manipulative ways. Except my eldest enjoys his fathers money bribes and so is being manipulated that way. He doesn’t always give in to his fathers demands, but I think feels obligated at times. I’ve warned him a few times, but he’s chosen to keep taking his hand outs. One of life’s lessons – nothing is free! Try talking to the ladies on the helpline, they might be able to point you in the right direction for help and advice. I don’t tell them much about what their father has done to me. When they’re talking to me about him then I will agree with them and give them all the support I can. I tried not to blacken his name, but I didn’t deny things that were true. He has no such regard for me. I wish you luck and hope you find a way through this which works for you. In my experience, they let themselves down eventually, mine could never keep up being superdad for long. He’d start all these expensive hobbies with them and being great pals etc, but only stuck at things he wanted to do and never listened to what they wanted. I’m sure my eldest will understand and respect my choice eventually, I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to leave sooner to spare him this life lesson. Money, the root of all evil!! Good luck

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