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Had gone on to the pub were my ex goes last night. He tried lying saying he hadn’t but I rang my friend to see if he were there it were lies. This just puts me back 10 steps. I can’t understand why he would want to be in his company. My youngest son who’s is to him detestes him. I’m going to make sure my son does not know anything that’s going on in my life anymore so he can’t tell him. I feel there’s no escaping x
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Hi Betterdays, you may not like what I am going to say, but I am learning the art of shutting in.
I don’t want to share, speak, discuss, express, participate, I want nothing to do with either my kids nor my friends where any ounce of feelings might be detected, guessed, judged, opinionated on, mocked, known, divulged, criticised, baffled, spoken about, or anything else. I am shutting down and I have no other choice.
The more I reveal or share or discuss, the more I leave myself open to pain and hurt, the more these people feed on me.
So I am shutting down. I prefer watching birds, a river flow, clouds moving…whatever looks beautiful and expresses nothing in words.
I am done watching my kids reactions, my husband’s reactions, I am done fighting.
I am shutting down. It’s easier than agitating myself everytime I watch them speak to one another, or anything else. I want my meals alone, my quiet times alone, my films on tv alone, my books I read alone, my time working alone, my days alone. I want to feel nothing WITH anyone else. I don’t get hurt when I am alone.
I want a secret me where nothing shows on the outside but the invisible me is known only to me.
I am done fighting even with myself. Nothing matters any more. -
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Children become ambivalent when they have to go through an emotional rollercoaster. On the one hand they hate what their parents do, on the other hand they love them. This is a harmful development. They will become ambivalent adults who continue damaging other people.
In order to avoid this the system needs to change and allow mothers to estrange the children from the abusive fathers.
As long as this is not possible many people will suffer.
Blame the system.
Stay strong. x*x
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