25th February 2016 at 11:02 am #10410
Hello, this is my first post and I feel nervous but at the same time, feel its the right thing to do and need to let it all out.
When I was (age removed by moderator) I met a boy who when you would speak to him you would think he was the nicest person but maybe I was to naive and blind to see his niceness was his way of controlling me.
It first started when we would keep buying me things, and people would say how lucky I was and yes it felt nice someone making such a fuss over me but what he was really doing was trying to win others affection so people would think I was lucky to have him. Then one day he turned up with a new phone, a contract what he wanted to pay and what was in his name, that way no other person accept family and close (girl) friends could contact me. He told me to delete all my social media accounts because he didn’t want people to message me things that wasn’t true about him to me because apparently ‘girls’ would message him and ask why he is with me because I’m ugly and he can do better.
He then started to constantly question me about my past, this was 2months into our relationship and I felt like I was going insane with his constant questions about previous boyfriends. He would call me a s**g and a w***e he then made me throw away all my clothes because he found them trashy and then bought me new ones but to everyone around me they thought it was so nice of him to buy me so many new clothes but they didn’t know what was actually happening and that he was getting more and more controlling and possessive with me. He told me a voice in his head told him to kill me, he would lock himself in a bedroom and say his taken an overdose but then i would find all the tablets in a box which he didnt take,he would ring me and scream down the phone and turn his phone off for days and then say he got kidnapped or runover, He would ring me 100s of times a day ‘what are you wearing’ ‘who are you with’ my closest 2’friends then started to see a change in me. Before I met him I was loud, happy and carefree and all they would now see was me miserable and sad but I wouldn’t dare mention what was really happening because I was embarrassed, It got the point where he wouldn’t let me see my friend’s with out him being there and we incase I told them anything or incase they would question why my dress sence had completley changed and why I would be wearing as much make up and I had to watch him falling everyone into thinking he was prince charming. Don’t get me wrong he had his nice days and I guess that’s what I would hold on to in hope he would change and be him and not the person he turned into.
His possessiveness started to get out of hand and it then turned violent. It took him 3 months in our relationship (if that what you can call it) for him to hit me, he slapped me round the face because I wouldn’t show him how I use to kiss me ex boyfriend. He wanted me to demonstrate on him how I would kiss him. I refused and he slapped me and I was in complete shock and he cried and told me how sorry he was and that he would never do it again and I believed him and felt sorry for him.
(detail removed by moderator) months in and I’m pregnant.. I was so scared, I was (age removed by moderator)and pregnant in an unhappy relationship and I had no idea what to do, I felt so confused. He begged me to keep it and he knew all the right things to say and told me he would change and not be so jealous and possessive with me. So I decided to keep it.
But this is when my whole life turned into a living night mare. He didn’t change, infact he got worse, he got very violent throughout my whole pregnancy, he would strangle me until I would wet myself, punch me, kick me, shuv his fingers down my throat to choke me,get kinfes to my throat and tell me he would kill me if I ever left him, I had to hide the knifes because he would always get them out and threaten me with them. Life got unbearable and the beatings got more regular and it happened so often that I got use to it and that’s what makes me sad. I got so use to it happening that it felt normal andnif he went a week with out hurting me he would be so proud of himself and make a point of saying how he hasn’t hit me in a week.
I didn’t tell anyone what was happening in my relationship until after my daughter was born and it was my best friend and when I told her we both cried and she said she always had a bad feeling about him. But I felt bad and guilty telling her I felt like I done something wrong she promised she would not tell no one because I wanted to get out of the relationship myself because being with him made me just want to die and every time he would hurt me I would wish this time would be the time he would kill me but it never was and as much as I wanted to die I stayed strong for my daughter.
It took me so long to tell people because I was ashamed, embarrassed and I felt like it was my fault for staying for so long but I felt trapped and scared and because he would hurt me in front of people while we were in public and no one would help so I thought no one would help if I told them and plus he was still falling most people into being prince charming.
But it eventually come out one night after my friends birthday I had a few drinks and I had to come home to him and because of how I felt about him I couldn’t be intimate with him but sometimes I wouldn’t have a choice but this time I told him no and then I got so scared because he got so angry and got a knife out and I ran into my room and he he jumped of top of me and repeatedly hit me in the face and tryed to stab me but it caught my hand where I blocked my face and for us both to realise my phone had some how called my brother and he cried and said he was sorry and locked himself in the bathroom and my brother turned up and I was covered in blood. I felt ashamed and sad and refused to go to the police because I was so scared and because he told me i ever reported him to the police my daughter would get taken away from me and I couldn’t bare the thought of it because she is what kept me strong.
After (detail removed by moderator) weeks I went back and he cried and I felt sorry for him and I took him back he would tell me I’m going to be a single mum, and how I’m ugly and no one would ever want me with a baby and I believed him. But 1 month later in found out he was cheating on me and I think that day was the happiest day of my life because believe it or not that’s what gave me the strength to tell him we are over and to never come back. But I wish it was that simple when he finally left he would still turn up and jump through my windows and hurt me.
It all stopped when I got back in contact with some old friends who were male and they would come round and keep me company so he wouldn’t turn up at my house and although I am no longer in contact with these two friends, they helped me a lot just by being there and being my friends.
A year later I met my current partner and he is an absolute dream come true. We have been together (detail removed by moderator) years now.
I still struggle now with depression and anxiety really bad and sometimes people don’t understand and think I should be over it but I’m not and I don’t think I ever will be. I bottled everything up for so long and I have never come to terms with what happened to me I still blame myself and hate myself for what I let myself go through and I think it’s going to stay with me for the rest of my life. I’ve never had support from family they tell me to get over it and I have myself to blame for letting him hurt me for so long, I’ve tried counselling, tablets but nothing has worked for me and that’s why I joined here because I thought maybe letting everything out and sharing my story with other strong survivors and hearing others story’s it will help me.
I’m sorry if went into a lot of detail I just feel like letting it out will help.
My daughter has grown up to be an amazing beautiful kind little girl and maybe I should start giving myself credit for bringing her up by my self even when I hit rock bottom I found the strength to protect and love her dearly. But its so hard still to this day to cope and forget, I’m so angry and miserable. I get bad anxiety and I do struggle
I still have contact with him every week as he see’s our daughter now, maybe that’s why I find it hard to get over what happened. He has been going counselling for years and he says it has changed him. I do believe people can change but although he has changed I find it very difficult to accept and forget what he done to me because of how I now am. I sometimes feel angry because I feel he has got away with every thing that’s happened
Can anyone help with how to cope with my depression and anxiety if counselling and tablets don’t help?
Thank you for reading my story x
25th February 2016 at 11:42 am #10414Confused123Participant
Aaw i could just hug u, read your story and thought can realte to parts, firstly well done so much for getting out, u did so well and u shoudl be so proud of yourself. I think whe we r with abusers adn even though we leave them , family and freinds dont really underatnd what it feels like to have someone take totally control over your mind and the fear they inbed in us, it really is unexpalianiable. For me I personally neded cousnelling to undestand what had happened to me and how it happened, I am now at stage where i think the fact that i had no previous realtionship experience i was more vunerable, he isolated me so that diditn help.THink its so good u have gone into another realtionship and seem happy,u seem very strong that u are stillincontact with him cause of child and progressing. I can still sense u r vunerable though and its so good u realize u need support, did u ever do the freedom course, what sticks out for me is how violent he was like my ex,it doesnt matter if he is getting helpand changing u need to keep away from this man and keepcontact to bare minimum. I dont even talk to my ex now even though he still plays mind games via kids, i have toconstantly remind myself even if he trys to iniaaite contact that he is a very violent man who kept me trap for (detail removed by moderator)decades. Chat to us ladies on here and get support, we all support each another. To recover i would tell u to seek counselling, read up on abuse, go to workshops how to be aware about dv realtionship and how to protct yourelf, seek advise from support worker at dv agency , doesnt matter how long u been out, do not feel embrassed this is not your shame or fault as they make us beleive. speakingwith survivors helps too, we are all survviors on here or in process. Admitting it happen and how we deal with our emotions helps, your ex is toxic as mine and i feel talking about my experience with other ladys helps me so much, family cant handle the facts and find it easier to just say move on and get over it, if only it was so easy, underatnding myown feelings helps me move on , knowing that i know i have to love myself , something i had no value for, i wsa like u MS confident bubbly personality, and he stole my voice , am slowly regaining and i matter to myself , rebuild yourself as u r , like u said contct with him is what is delaying your progress but having kids with them mak it more difficult to break, i actually told my ex i woud never forgive him, what he did was unforgiviable, (detail removed by moderator) month laters reported him for allhistrical abuse and trying to kill me, police told me i left it to late n*d not enough evidence but u know what hun i have achieved this inner peace that i tried my best to make him responsible for what he did, he got away but i told him an abuser and he has to live with what he did, u dont hear many storys whre they change but hun ask yourself why do u care if his changed, u not taking him back and u want miniumum contact,make sure he doesnt talk u around these men are very clever and can pullus in with out us even realizing
25th February 2016 at 12:20 pm #10423
Wow thank you so much for replying to me. It really means a lot that you took the time to read my story. I think that’s similar to me to I only had one previous boyfriends before him but it was only a (detail removed by moderator) month relationship so I was differently naive and vulnerable to. I think I will try counselling again and hopefully this time around it will help as I’m constantly still thinking about everything and I remember everything so vividly like it happened yesterday. I don’t care his changed I just meant that he has said he has but they all say that don’t they. He would never talk me round I’m strong enough now in that aspect that I deserve better then that. And I agree with you about how clever they can be with their words. You seem very strong and have your head above water after everything you have been through and admire that. It is difficult having a child involved because I feel like his always going to be around. He sent me a message a few days ago telling me how sorry he is for everything and I had family members tell me I should of replied because it took courage for him to send it and it made me so angry that I had to go through so much with none of their support when they found out what he done and they can sit there telling me it took him courage. Sorry to vent I just feel like I can’t talk to no one and that I won’t ever get over what happened cause I feel so alone.
25th February 2016 at 3:05 pm #10446missgiddypantsParticipant
be strong be wise they not change ,did you watch murdered by my boyfriend its was shown on BBC 3 2 years ago but then was shown on BBC 1 several times ,thought about it after reading your story as it’s very similar ,my abuse wasn’t violent but just wanted to say be strong ,be safe and don’t let him near you xx
25th February 2016 at 4:57 pm #10451
Thank you for you kind words, I did watch Murdered by my boyfriend.. Sounds odd but I had a panic attack when I watched it because it felt like I was watching my life back. I know you mentioned your abuse wasn’t violent but you still had to go though some sort of abuse and its such a difficult thing to go through, I hope you stay strong and keep your head high xx
25th February 2016 at 4:10 pm #10449SerenityParticipant
It was heartbreaking reading your story.
I am so pleased that you have found a new and caring partner after all you went through, and yes, you should give yourself a pat on the back as I am sure your daughter’s nature is due to your bravery and resilience.
I am wondering if the continued and regular contact with your ex is preventing you from getting over the trauma?
Many of us on here have championed the healing power of now contact. I know it’s hard, as you have allowed contact with yourself long term, but if there is anything in his behaviours which affects you, you have every right to distance yourself from him. Even just seeing an abuser has triggered many of us hugely.
If you never got any help via support groups and counselling, I can imagine that it must be hard to move past what was, for you, absolutely shocking abuse. To be honest, I am just amazed at how you have survived and coped- you are a very courageous lady. I went all out and got all the help I could after my separation, in terms if helplines, Women’s Aid, support groups, here, DV counselling ( which Women’s Aid referred me to ).it has been two years for me, and people have sometimes said I am very strong, but I am sure I wouldn’t be if I hadn’t sought this help. X
25th February 2016 at 5:13 pm #10452
Thank you so much for your word,
I do think that having to still see and speak to him regarding my daughter is one of the reasons why I’ve not moved past it. I distance myself a lot the only contact I have is a time for me to drop my daughter to him and when he comes to get her we don’t really talk but maybe just having to see him every week is a reason why I’ve not been able to move on. I feel angry when I see him as he always has smug look about him which instantly grates on me.
I tried medication for my depression but I didn’t feel like it worked. I tried counselling last year but I felt uncomfortable maybe because I had a male counselor and I found it difficult to communicate with him, and then I would just end up crying the whole session and gave up. Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever get over what happened I think I can just try to block it out my mind for longer and pretented it didnt happen and hope it will all go away but it definitely doesn’t. I joined here hoping taking to others who have gone through abuse and understand how hard it can be,will help me
I hope you’re OK and stay strong x
25th February 2016 at 5:19 pm #10453Confused123Participant
Try another counsellor and one that specialises in d v , u have to talk about it , with survivors I would say as we can relate to each another , can’t belwive your family said u should reply to him just cause he sent apology , I don’t owe him nothing, u need to work out how u can overcome how he makes u feel when u do Passover , I think u know u have to talk the issues out thAt u experienced with him , hopefully talking to us will help , yes they do have that annoying smug look but in time that will go too , I think we just need to close that chapter of our life in a correct wAy that suits us
25th February 2016 at 7:56 pm #10457LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to say Welcome to the forum. You are a very strong lady and your post is an inspiration to us all. I am pleased to see you have had lots of lovely replies and I hope that you can access support from your local Women’s Aid to help you further on your journey to recovery. You can click the link saying ‘finding help locally’ to the right of this page for your local Women’s Aid details.
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