10th May 2016 at 10:03 am #16858tobehappyParticipant
So, it’s been a couple of years since I realised I was married to an abuser. The pieces all fell into place when I was researching how to fix our relationship. I called WA who were great. I was in shock. There were many distressed phone calls and police involvement. We have moved more than once along the way.
I had zero self confidence and felt completely isolated. I have always been pretty logical about things so started planning what I was to do about my situation. I phoned tax credits, went to my local council about housing options, spoke to a solicitor, contacted estate agents, was referred to my local WA, read books and literally researched everything I could on the internet. I truly believe knowledge (and the correct knowledge not the rubbish he was feeding me) is power.
After gathering all info and deciding what was best for me financially I moved out. As you would expect this was a very dramatic day. I made it to my new house and remember feeling sick as I looked at where I was to be living. It did not feel like home. What had I done? I had a friend who said give it 2 weeks and it will feel like home. She was absolutely right!
I attended the freedom programme and the follow on courses. I informed my kids school as to what was happening and I got support for them when they needed it. And for the sake of my kids, life continued as normal. I went no contact (all except a contact book as we have kids).
Due to the freedom programme and other groups bit by bit my confidence started to return. I went from feeling like a victim to feeling like a survivor. I started to feel that despite everything the he is doing I am doing a good job. I started to understand what he was trying to achieve when he sent messages or wrote unpleasant things in the contact book and I stopped caring. Don’t get me wrong there are still things that are a genuine fear but the day to day b****s*** no longer mattered. I had worked so hard on my mind set that each abusive message simply became a great piece of evidence if/when that judge needed it. The contact book is worth it’s weight in gold with the evidence it will provide me. All written by him. I never respond to theses comments and if it is necessary it is only factual. I don’t care what he says to people any more. I am collecting facts. I am not interested in opinion. Anyone watching me will see I am fine, my kids are fine. For anyone who reads the contact book, messages and email it will be clear to see.
I guess what I want to say to you all is each time you come to a hurdle/set back take advice and research the best way to overcome it. Only get real fact from people who know. Attend the freedom programme etc and start to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Believe me if you were to have read my posts all those months/years ago you would not believe the place I am in right now. Take baby steps. You are always moving forwards even when it feels like you have gone back. You are just dealing with the next challenge. You are all doing a great job. Use their hate and their sense of entitlement to bite them on the a***. They provide you with evidence that will support your case everyday. Don’t waste it. Record it and then put it away.
I hope this has helped someone as I know when I was at the beginning of my journey I had no idea what the hell to do. x x x
10th May 2016 at 11:17 am #16868Confused123Participant
im sure lots of ladies will appreciate your story
11th May 2016 at 3:12 pm #16960SaharaDParticipant
Indeed. They can’t help themselves sending written abuse that can be copied, printed and given to a family court judge.
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Keep up the fantastic work as a great mother and survivor!
11th May 2016 at 7:31 pm #16976AnonymousInactive
Hi tobehappy, it is lovely to read how far you have come and it gives us all a bit of hope that things can change. I hope things continue to look up for you x
11th May 2016 at 7:56 pm #16981HealthyarchiveBlocked
This is a really lovely story and so inspiring for all of us who are struggling, thank you so much for sharing.
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