My thoughts- a huge stressor

[Anewbreath]

This healing business is b****y tough work. Today i got frustrated with myself for feeling like a shell of the strong woman i used to be. My abuser, the rodent, had sex with me and other women for years.. Subconsciously for quite a while as I walk the streets i compare myself to other women. I am ashamed of this behaviour.. Because i know it is not a healthy comparison.. It is more a comparison as in for example that woman because of whatever physical attribute, looks like someone he will want to have sex with…and it hurts. I dont want to look at women that way. I never did before him. And when i try to analyze why i feel frustrated.. It just leads back to him hurting me, using me, taking advantage of me- s**t that just isnt fair and i cant have any f*****g justice. I cant wait until that m**********r means absolutely nothing to me.

[Serenity]

Hi A New Breath,

They treated us badly, so our self-esteem takes a knocking.

Abusers don’t see people as individuals, just as a means to an end. It’s helped me to try to write down and act upon those things that make me an individual. For example, in my case artistic projects help me to feel ‘me’ again.

Doing the things that makes us happy and which define our personality helps build us up again. I think that this helps us to stop seeing others as a threat or something to compare ourselves to. If we can regain that solid sense of self, it stops us always looking outside for a measurement of who we are- if that makes sense.

I began writing in a notebook and to remind myself of all those things that made me who I was, that he tried to stop me doing. Celebrate your individuality!

[Anewbreath]

Thank you Serenity. 🙂
You are right, my worth as a woman really took a beating. The feeling that I am enough, he slowly took from me. It hurts I couldn’t see or understand what he was doing. I wonder too if he understood exactly what he was doing to me….its difficult to fathom anyone can be that callous… That evil.. And when i became a shell. Then he really showed the monster he was, with physical abuse. I will try to find more time for the things that make me, me.

[Anewbreath]

It hurts too that I stayed with him for so long. I felt like I couldn’t leave because of my immigration status at the time. And every time I tried to make our relationship healthier, my lonliness would make me vulnerable to whatever little scraps of comfort he threw my way.. I beat myself up alot about that. I cant do it anymore. Its too unhealthy.

[Author]

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