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It was such a beautiful day I went for a walk. I drove part way and then walked 5 or 6 miles along familiar paths with breathtaking views. I found myself not far from where I sat some time ago contemplating my wrecked life on the day I realised I needed help otherwise my suicidal thoughts would have become actions. I rang my GP from that spot and 2 hours later was in her room pouring my heart out. I’m still here. I made the right decision. I didn’t appreciate the view that day and I certainly didn’t appreciate the help I’d get once I was brave enough to ask for it.
I smiled on my walk today and said hello to people I met, chatted to a few. I took in the views, I saw snowdrops and leaf buds and heard birds singing, I felt my frozen feet and the sun on my face.
On the way back home in the car I drove past what I call “My Wall”. The one on the hairpin bend I’d accelerated towards at about 60mph in the dark on more ccassions than I care to remember. But each time I turned the wheel away back towards the road. I’m glad now I was too scared to drive straight on into oblivion, but at the time I cried with frustration because I felt weak, helpless and useless – I couldn’t even manage to kill myself. He’d have laughed at that and called me weak and pathetic.
Today though I smiled. I’m getting there slowly in small steps. I have no contact with him. I think of him less and less because no contact stops me being triggered and keeps me grounded. My daughter describes “it” ie our time with him as “another life” I think she’s got that right.
It’s a slow and often painful journey but I’m getting there, largely thanks to the lovely ladies here who’ve kept me moving in the right direction one step at a time.
If you’re new here or feeling there’s no escape keep positive. Look at the view, hear the birds and keep focussed on your future and remember – you’re worth it. It’s a reality not just a TV Ad phrase! x*x -
How wonderful to read about your journey to recovery.
Your talk of nature reminded me about a conversation I had with my (detail removed by Moderator) year old about the beauty that surrounds us when we saw lots of snowdrops on our walk. She said “why do those flowers look so sad Mummy?” I explained that they weren’t sad, but they had spent a long, dark winter under the cold ground and worked very, very hard to grow and break through the soil so they could feel the sun’s warmth even more. She replied “oh they are not sad, they are tired and need to rest”. “Yes I said, just like we all do”.
Didi xx -
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Hi White Rose,
What a poignant post. I’m so sorry that you were driven to experiencing such pain. I was nearly tempted to drive my car off the road at one point.
I’m so glad that you have had the strength to return to that place and to feel relaxed and at peace there. Nature is a great healer: your post really conveys the healing that you are experiencing by being open to the beautiful things that exist in the natural world.
I know what your daughter means about it seeming like another life. No contact allows us that distance x
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