My youth

[Ayanna]

When I was a teenager my father killed my dog with a shovel. (detail removed by moderator). He threw her in the bushes and left.
This broke my heard. It really broke me.

When I was (age removed by moderator) years old my mother wanted to marry me off to her cousin. I threatened her with social services, that’s why I could finish school.

I left the home when I was a teenager. I fled. I had a brain concussion from the beatings.
I was always bruised all over my body when I went to school. The teachers turned a blind eye to it.

There was nobody who supported me. A friend, who is my friend until today in that country, was there to talk, but she could not help more.

I was almost homeless for a very long time, always starving and hungry, depending on the abusive parents, unable to think straight and move on in life.

My friend’s mother met me (detail removed by moderator) and gave me leftover food from where she worked.

I was so pretty. Men chased me. They tried to rape me, sexually assaulted me all the time, especially in summer. I could not go on the train without anyone lifting my skirt and commenting on my legs. That’s why I became scared to wear skirts.

They touched my bum in public transport. They whistled when they passed by.
They tried to orally rape me on the train.

That was before I even had a relationship with any man.

[Anonymous]

Ive always attracted the wrong ones men!if men look at me now . I Scarle haha x

[Ayanna]

I was beaten so much for small things that I did not know what was right or wrong. I was scared so much. I had severe anxiety attacks. Doctors just laughed about me. They told me off when I tried to talk about my father.

I was always ridiculed and never ever taken seriously when I was young. Instead I was told to f.. men and get hooked and someone will take care of me.
I was brought up at home that marriage and giving birth to children is the ultimate goal for a woman.

When no man wanted to marry me but all wanted to f.. me I became so sad and desperate. I wanted to fit into society so badly by becoming a married woman and have children.

It did not happen. The first boyfriend could not have erections. He was a stupid but harmless guy and I did not share his political views. Nevertheless, he became a doctor. This shows intelligence is not needed to pass university.

I was not good enough for him. I had no money and no inheritance coming up. Also, I did not look right for him. I am not white enough and that made me unsuitable for marrying him.

The next boyfriend was from another country then. He had my skin tone. I met him at a low paid job. He was very caring and even had a car. I became deadly ill and needed hospital admission.
My family would not visit me. They were angry that I was sick again. He was the only one who looked after me, bought me presents, visited me every day, washed my clothes and brought me new clothes. When I was discharged from hospital he brought me to his place.
He cooked for me. Then he raped me.
I still had a relationship with him for a while before it all broke apart.

[Millionpieces]

I born not pretty and I have sensitive skin, I live in a village and I play where no where are clean so I have wound my whole body, my parent did their best but nothing they can do about the place that I play. No boy will look at me I was not confident at all. I don’t look after my self, until I’m in university I started looking after my self then few boys close but no one will wanted to be my boy friend. Until in my working age I started to build my confidence and I did have boy friend a very handsome but he was lack of confidence so I left him. And then few after that and my confidence built more and more until I met one pshicophat, not even allowed me to go anywhere without him I was young and naive, one day he took my virginity then I found out he has few girls, I was broken but I have to move on, then I my parent arranged my marriage turn out he just want my money, wedding cancel where I am the one to blame when the reality I pay the cost for him to see his future wife!!! And move on then I met my ex. So I believe we do really need to move on properly from broken relationship, before start new one.

I was always ungrateful bcoz I am ugly, and don’t have flawless skin. But may be its a luck! Luck that make us meet this bad men.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Ayanna, your story is very sad I’m so sorry you had to experience all that. I can relate to much of your post. I find it hard to believe how everyone failed to notice or turned a blind eye to obvious signs of abuse when I was at school. I too had nowhere to live as a teenager and found myself staying at the homes of dangerous men to avoid sleeping on the streets. I believed the only value I had was sexual and then made sure I knew I was no good for that either. I think the combination of youth, beauty and obvious vulnerability is irresistible to many men. My last counsellor thought I was giving out ‘f off’ signals (her words) to people now, well good, it’s safer that way!

[Peaceful Pig]

I meant ‘my ex made sure I knew…’

[Ayanna]

Hi Peaceful Pig, yes I send those signals too and more if one dares to come too close.
All I want is a life free from abuse.

[Serenity]

I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through, Ayanna.

I hope you can come through it all and get to that point where you can feel free from all the pain. The guilt is all those weak people’s. Abusers are weak.

None of what you suffered takes away from your ultimate value and worth. You are a lovely, lively and buoyant woman and I hope you get all of your life energy back soon. 💛

[Ayanna]

Thank you, Serenity.

My parents did all of this: http://www.lifehack.org/350678/13-signs-toxic-parent-that-many-people-dont-realize

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