This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Doris 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #71652
     anotherlife 
    Participant

    He said he’d leave if I asked him to, I should have known better. I have no income at present as I lost my job and have several physical health issues, not enough to cause disability etc though so I can’t get any help. My husband earns enough to support us both and our children so I don’t get any benefit help.
    Long story anyway, but I’ve had enough for a few years of verbal and emotional and psychological abuse. He’s now realised he’s been awful and is a new calm man (not in my eyes and it won’t make any differece). So he’s being lovely with the kids and polite to me.
    We talked (detail removed by moderator) as I needed to tell him how I felt so he could go. But he has no intention of leaving, I can leave if I want to (!!!), he says he can work from home to look after the kids and I can go! Not a chance!
    Joking that I won’t get much money, I can’t support the children properly if he goes, who h he won’t, he’s been so awful the past few years and thinks he can change and we can try again or I can go.
    I feel trapped and lost as the advice I’ve received tells me that with equity in our house, I will not receive full benefits if I leave with the children, plus they’re getting older and he won’t have to pay for many years. I don’t want to get an occupation order, he can get angry enough and I don’t want to be the one everyone blames & the kids, as he’s being so nice.
    Any suggestions at all? I’m not going to a refuge as the children have their home right now and he’s going to be fine for ages. They seem so much happier lately as we have not been arguing.
    I stupidly thought he’d agree to move out and I’d just have to deal with whatever followed. Now I feel completely trapped. I feel so stupid for telling him how I feel but as I just had to, as I had finally found the courage to do it, calm and politely.
    I just want to be away from him. He thinks he has the upper hand, the well paid job, advice he can pay for, better health, control, power, able to take the kids out snd spoil them, pay for things,a big head and a superiority complex!!!!!
    Help me please x

  • #71655
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    You need a safe exit plan – have you contacted WA for advice that’s the best place to start. Gathering evidence is vital from here on in. Have you kept a journal of whats been happening. Letting the GP know exactly what is happening is a good idea get this documented and youll have the professionals on your side. This is coercive control, which is illegal. It also sounds like financial abuse too. You may be entitled to legal aid but if need be you may need a court order to get away completely. He sounds very much like a Narcassist. Unfortunatley theres no other way to deal with this type of personality than to go no contact. This seems impossible but its not I promise. What he is doing is illegal. Youll feel guilty for the kids but protecting them is the main thing. This can escalate once they have got you where they want you. There is lots of help out there im a firm believer in that to get out of an abusive relationship it really needs to be with professional backing and support. Police if need be. Ive been where you are and I ended up having to cut all ties. I became physically ill too due to the abuse xx The emotional support is here, I hope you are ok, stay strong you can honestly get out of this there is resolves xx much love diy mum x

  • #71657
     woofgirl 
    Participant

    I have been in this situation, thinking that he would leave me before I was getting so ill from being with him. The thing is they have no empathy, they don’t actually care how you feel, you are just there to serve them. I went back to him as he promised it would all change – it did for a few weeks and then I basically got “told off” for months on end.
    Get support, speak to WA, get support from your local DA helpline. I have also started to speak to a counsellor who deals with narcissistic abuse as it can be covert. Sending you so much love and support. You can do this.
    He’s threats are just to keep you in your place, I promise you are are more powerful then you think. His abuse has made you think you are powerless.

  • #71711
     Doris 
    Participant

    Hi Woogirl, I really empathise when you say you’ve been ‘told off’. I am ‘told off’ regularly like a child might be scolded by an adult and my protestations are totally ignored – not validated. It would be laughable if I did not drain myself of my emotional energy when trying to explain, justify, refute etc. the reason for the scolding. I have been told off for the most ridiculous trivial imagined misdemeanours. I have been told by a counsellor that this is all about control and it has taken years to actually admit to myself that she was right. Love to you all and take good care – we are worth it (in the words of an advert).

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