Naive?

[Tkkbub]

I told my husband I was scared of him (detail removed by Moderator). He held me while I cried and cried and he was upset that I felt this way. He said he didn’t want me to be scared of him and that he loves me more than anything. Since then he has seemed calmer and more gentle.

My husband never physically abuses me. I have read the post ‘this is my abuser’ and I feel ashamed of myself. My husband is generally a good husband. Yes he has flaws, as everyone does. I know it isn’t a competition but what I am experiencing isn’t anywhere close to what some of the ladies here are experiencing.

He has also been stern, and a bit of a control freak, and slightly critical. It seems to have become worse over the past few months, so that I did feel scared of him, and my confidence is low, he tells me I don’t do things right. But some of the things the ladies here experience are utterly dreadful, and my relationship is not anywhere near that point.

Am I naive to think that our conversation (detail removed by Moderator) will solve things? I feared I was over reacting to wonder if he was abusive, and now I feel I most certainly was over reacting. I wonder if indeed I am actually the abuser myself. I have cried and told him I am frightened- couldn’t that be seen as an attempt to control him? An attempt to guilt him and make him change his behaviour?

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

We really shouldn’t be comparing our abuse to someone else’s and remaining with an abuser because our abuse isn’t as bad as someone else’s. I did the same as you too, and I lived very unhappily for a few years in the ‘denial’ stage because of this. I didn’t have bruises, or cuts, or broken bones, I was never choked or strangled, but I lived in fear of making choices to do certain things because I knew my abuser would mock me, scorn me, ridicule me, criticise me, sneer at me etc. I was stifled and could not freely be the ‘me’ I wanted to be.

Over time, the abuse got worse and did lead to physical violence.

I went to refuge eventually, and the day my DA Support Worker took me there with my son I felt such a fraud. I felt I was taking the place of someone who really deserved it, not for me, someone who was in a ‘s****y relationship’. It wasn’t until I got ‘educated’ that I learned my relationship wasn’t ‘s****y’ it was abusive.

All of us learn this at our own pace. It took me years to learn that my ‘unhappy’ relationship was actually an ‘abusive’ one.

You have come to this website for a reason, you are now on your journey from Denial To Recovery, I will bump up the Domestic Abuse Denial to Recovery Pyramid for you to have a read of.

[Beautifulday]

if you feel something is wrong it usually is, we need to trust our gut instinct more. When you have that feeling even if you can’t put your finger on it, listen to it. For a while I had a nagging feeling something was not right lockdown and being home from work and taking more walks I had more clarity and more time to think and I woke up.
I would highly recommend calling your local womens aid, i did and it was thr best thing i did, I wAs scared and felt like a fraud but she confirmed what I thought! Sometimes we just need someone to tell us what we already know. Keep posting here and try to read some of thr books on the book list x*x

[Author]

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