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I’ve been thinking through a lot of things lately, trying to make sense and continue to repair the damage he caused. Something I can’t move on from is that he very rarely, if ever, used my name in conversation with me or with others.
If he asked a question he just asked it not prefixed by my name. If he wanted to attract my attention he never said it either. Later in the relationship he might say “oy” but he never called my name.
Cards always said “to my darling wife” never used my name.
With others he said “she”.
I know he used it when we got married as he had no choice! But I’m really struggling to remember any other time.
If I called him in for tea I’d use his, when I rang I’d say “Hi **x**” if I asked something I might say “Hey **x** what do you think about….. ”
It’s bugging me!
Anyone else had this? -
I noticed this happening in the beginning; I was known as “X girl” rather than my name. I’ve read somewhere this is “distancing language”, but my ex used this more when talking about other people he didn’t want me to know about.
It seems quite distancing to have rarely used your name, given that our names are a marker of our identities.
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Hi White Rose,
I also experienced this with my ex. I don’t recall him ever calling me by my name. In the early days of our relationship he used to call me nicknames that I thought reflected his love for me. They were never derogatory. He would use them publicly and we used to giggle at how cheesy he could be. These names he would also use when he wrote me a xmas card or mentioned me on social media.
He stopped using the names after a year or so of us being together and having our first child. In public I would be ‘babe’. In private he would call me disgusting, horrible names. The worst is one that makes me feel sick to my stomach; but when he was calling me it I just laughed it off. Being called such things had become normal to me.
I would be interested to know why abusers use nicknames for their victims. I have wondered if it has something to do with de-humanising us – taking our identity away by refusing to acknowledge our name?
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Hi White Rose, yes I can identify with that. My ex used my name once on the whole of our relationship and this is when he discarded me, I guess he wanted to make sure i heard it loud and clear. He was quite fond of calling me his ex wifes name, this happened 3 times, each on special occasions. You can imagine how I felt. When he would address me it was normally with a standard term i.e, love, dear or babe.
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hi
on the subject of names…rings lots of alarm bells…the ex didnt call me by my name, & he kin of changes his name a lot, it would be the full name version the shortened & a family nickname which they & he loved to use..I thught a bit pathetic as he’s middle aged…however it does point to his many ‘alias’ faces…like he can distance himself mentally, to make it ‘ok’?They definitely think they are somebody they’re not, totally deluded!
I reckon he used to do that in public to make out alls well alls cool, hes a good guy,keep it all looking sweet, look everybody we are together type of thing (cr*p more like!!LOL)…obviously ALL fake, & part of their manipulation & twisted minds.hugs C x
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My counsellor used to say that abusers wouldn’t be able to abuse us if they saw us as human beings so they have to dehumanise. Maybe using your name would have made you feel to real to hurt? Who knows. My ex took to using my full name in a ridiculous pompous manner to intimidate me, particularly after I left. Treating me like a child as ever.
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Maybe it was that it made me real, maybe he was scared of calling me his first wife’s name by accident!!
I’m not going to worry why. I know now it’s not just me experiencing this. I’ll put it down to one of his many faults 😉.
If I ever feel like getting involved with a man again I’m going to make sure he uses my name frequently and lovingly!
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