Naming the abuse – at a crossroads

[ChestnutTree]

Hi all,

I’ve just joined the forum and I’m hoping to gain some clarity about what to do. My relationship looks so different to how it did a few years ago and I feel sad, confused and very uncertain about the future. Something has clicked recently and I’m seeing my partner’s behaviour in a new light…and it’s not good.

I’ve been with him for a few years and we have a toddler together. For the first few years our relationship was pretty solid though with hindsight I can see that there were some red flags. Perhaps my expectations were also too low.

Things have been more difficult since becoming parents, particularly as that coincided with lockdown and work stress for both of us. These external factors do put pressure on a couple. But it’s more than that and in the last 6 – 12 months his behaviour towards me and his words have changed and things feel different. I don’t recognise him a lot of the time currently and our relationship feels like such hard work. We’re stuck in a toxic cycle of dead end arguments. It is how he behaves when there’s conflict that worries me most – he gets quite angry, defensive, shifts blame, name calls, is unreceptive and uncaring if I display emotion. A lot of his reactions are knee-jerk and sometimes it’s like he’s not even in control of what is coming out of his mouth. He has not hurt me physically, but certainly emotionally.

He used to apologise after these incidents but now he rarely does that. If I approach him later or the following day to talk about an unresolved argument (or because we need to have a conversation about something logistical to do with our child) he can be reluctant and dismissive.

There have been two significant events recently that have really made me question things – the first was when he deliberately argued with me quite savagely in front of a relative (his), putting me in a very difficult position and making me feel ganged up on and humiliated.

The second was when in frustration during a conversation with me, he kicked a piece of furniture hard. I had never been scared of him before but in those moments I felt real fear. He apologised for that and acknowledged the fear he’d caused, but has since said things that show he hasn’t really taken any responsibility and (detail removed by Moderator).

I have been reading up about abuse and have spoken to friends. I’m very lucky to have a solid support network. I can see clearly that some things he’s said and done are examples of abuse. I have said as much to him in the past, which he dismissed. I am worried about bringing this up too much as at his worst, I can imagine him distorting things and accusing me of abuse. I’ve heard this is a classic move.

I have been actively trying to fix it but have run out of steam. We did some sessions of couples counselling (detail removed by Moderator) (my suggestion though he did go along willingly) but neither of us clicked with the therapist so decided to stop. I now doubt that couples counselling was the solution and know from reading about abusive relationships that it can even exacerbate the problem.

There is still compassion in me for me – I see he is not happy and hurting. I asked about his mental health during a calmer moment and he admitted it is not good. We discussed him seeking help which he is in the process of doing. But I am also feeling increasingly detached from him. We’ve also talked about ending the relationship. He has said he wouldn’t want it to be acrimonious but the irony is that if anyone were to get nasty, it would almost certainly be him.

I know that unless there are some significant efforts made on his part, things won’t change.
But I don’t feel ready to give up on the relationship yet. I’m very torn. I know I deserve better and I recognise that at the moment, I am calmer and more at ease when he isn’t around. But I am uncertain about how I’d cope as a single parent, and sad about breaking up our child’s family unit.

Is anyone else in the same boat Or been through it?
Love and strength to everyone.

[ChestnutTree]

Edit: I meant to write “There is still compassion in me for him”

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi chestnut tree,

I’ve come on here to understand my partner behaviour. I had question is it abuse? and once you start to read a-lot of the woman’s posts I could definitely identify exactly what they were writing about and unfortunately once you know you know!
It’s great that you are here, you will be supported the women are amazing!
From my own experience I seen a lot of red flags when I was younger but choose to ignore them, as he will get better, it’s rough patch I’ll carry on for my children! Yes we’ve had good periods inbetween but it never last and I’m debating to leave after (detail removed by moderator). Irony I don’t want to break his heart! My partner will be nasty if I leave and to have the strength to face an all out war is hard to face! Classic smear campaign in my name for sure! My children are older – pick up on the tension and arguments and I worry that I’m putting this worry on them / that’s very hard to accept, I need to support them and ultimately leave/ you may have time on your side when you’re child younger to leave
Trust your gut, that uneasiness you feel is telling you there is something not right about your relationship. You seem to have done everything to support him and support the relationship! So ask your self? Can you see a life without him? What would that look like, I know being single mum would be tough, could you look at maybe benefit help or see what options are out there for you! Arm yourself with all the information you can get! It’s hard it really is! But aren’t alone!

[Wants To Help]

Hi ChestnutTree,

I fully identify with what you describe and I can tell you now it won’t get better. I did go to couples counselling, I didn’t tell them about the abuse because I didn’t think it was abuse, I just thought we had a s****y relationship and needed help in making it better. When it was later confirmed to be abuse the counsellor told me we wouldn’t have been counselled if they’d have known because they don’t recommend counselling for DA.

I was in two minds whether to leave or keep trying to make it work. My toddler son saw his dad hit me, but it was only when the abuse got to the point that my screaming woke him up one evening and he was crying out for me “mummy, mummy’ that I realised I had to leave before he saw/heard too much. In my head I thought “if I don’t leave now my son is going to need counselling when he gets older.” I made plans to leave and told my ex so he made sure he scuppered them and it left me in a worse situation. In the end I just fled when I had a chance to.

I too doubted whether leaving or staying would be worse for my son. Questions I asked myself were
“Does my son deserve to grow up without his dad in his daily life?”
“Will my son hate me for growing up without his dad in his life?”
“Will my son hate me for staying with such a bully and take it out on me later on in life?”

My son was a toddler when I left. He has now grown in to a lovely young adult who is grounded, confident and secure. He did have to have some counselling when he was in primary school due to some of the abuse incidents (he witnessed other stuff between his dad and new partners on contact visits) but as he got in to his teens his dad actually destroyed their relationship all by himself! My son once thanked me for leaving and said he’d seen what his life would have been like if I’d stayed.

Leaving isn’t easy, financially it is hard, but I applied for benefits and child tax credits and got some help. School meals were free, school trips were free, I furnished the house with everything second hand, bought my son’s clothes second hand (I got some great bargains and they were immaculate.)
After a few years I got back on my feet and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. I’ve lived free of abuse for well over a decade now and I can tell you I’ve never once looked back and wished I stayed with him.
I’m very lucky that I had close family and friends around me who helped out with childcare when I needed it.

The vast majority of us on here who have left and now moved on with our lives have not regretted leaving.

xx

[Bananaboat]

Hello, your post is quite similar to my story. I didn’t want to give up, I didn’t want to believe he was an abuser, kept trying different things to help him/us. Overtime the abuse escalated, but subtlety until a physical incident that led to me calling the police. Like you I’d looked into mental health support, addictions, counselling you name it. The thing with these people is that nothing will ‘fix’ them and nothing will be enough. They act as if they’re getting help but they believe inside they don’t need it so will never engage with it. If you watch their actions over their words, you’ll notice they don’t change or if they do, it’s short term. They do it to keep us appeased and compliant.

I realised I was getting the same word for word apology & promises of change by text each time and by keeping notes, noticed the time frame between incidents was shortening. It’s like fog lifting and you start to see more and more.

This helped me to start setting my own boundaries, small ones as it’s tough but after an argument rather than trying to talk to him or worry about him, I started to do my own thing like watch tv upstairs and allow him to make the move. When he did his standard trick of trying to ruin an event, instead of begging him to come I said fine don’t then. After nasty arguments instead of just accepting his apology and keeping the peace I said if this happens again we’re over, it happened again and I stood by that. These small acts started to show me his true side clearer.

Can you see a life without him? That’s the bit that hurts, the bond makes you see the good and excuse the bad, but look at it another way, can you feel like this for life? That peace you feel when he’s not around is how you should feel when he is, not the anxiety & eggshells when his car pulls up.

Can you live as a single parent? I suspect you probably already do to an extent, it’s just all the things you do now but without the extra panic & anxiety. Deciding whether to leave or stay takes time and it’s great you’ve got a strong support network. x

[ChestnutTree]

Thanks for your replies, it’s really helpful. I had a couple of days of inner calm but my head is absolutely spinning today and I feel overwhelmed thinking about how this situation might unfold.

I fear having to co-parent with him. I believe he loves our child and wants the best for them, but I feel like I’m currently seeing him in a whole new light and don’t feel I know him entirely. I worry he won’t collaborate, I worry he’ll try and have her for more time than I’m comfortable with.

I worry that ‘coming out’ with my experience of his abusive behaviour will mean a backlash and that he’ll fight hard to counter it and/or to fight custody. I feel so totally out of my depth and terrified. My brain is exhausted from all of this going round and round. I want to be present for my child but I really just feel like curling up into a ball and crying my heart out today.

@sunshinedrops – your comment sums it up. Once you know, you know. Now that something has shifted and I’ve realised we’re not just going through a bad patch, and that there are clear cycles happening, I doubt I’ll be able to fully relax with him. I suppose I am coming to terms with this, it’s very early days.

I think I do already live a slightly single-parent life when it comes to looking after our child. A lot of our arguments have stemmed from me wanting to discuss / negotiate how we split the load and this has generally been met with resistance or plain dismissiveness. I’ve taken on the bulk of childcare, for sure, and all the admin and decisions that go with having a child. I’ve been transparent and tried to involve him but he seems happy to leave it to me.

I can see a life without him. It’s a good one, with my, my little one, good friends and family. It’s not what I imagined when I met him, fell in love and we started talking about having a family, but it would be a heck of a lot better than what I’m feeling now. What I’m struggling with is the co-parenting thing. I can see how challenging it would be at the best of times, but if you’re dealing with a partner who’s been abusive I can only imagine how difficult it could be. And that scares me.

Thanks for your support.

[Stuckinturmoil]

Hi Chestnut tree

Thank you for such a balanced articulate post. I think I was in a similar situation to you 5 years ago. Just starting to realise that things were not as they should be. Constantly telling myself behind closed doors all couples have issues.
Your partner has at least gone to counselling and admitted some fault. Mine never has.
I have just been watching Living with the Enemy. So many similarities apart from the violence.
I have been in the turmoil for years now. It hasn’t got better. It’s in fact worse. I know I will struggle financially.
I have however got my ducks in a row over the last 5 years.
The best advice I can give is only you know when enough is enough and how bad it is. Trust your gut instinct. And start secretly planning for a different future. You need a get out plan. It’s easy for people to say yes he is awful m get rid of him but those who really know know how difficult it is. The loyalty. The heart breaking fact of splitting up the family. Your children blaming you in the future. The worry about divorce and dividing property. It’s such a massive step to take leaving.
I gave my husband years to improve. He didn’t. I will be leaving him this year.

[ChestnutTree]

Hello,

I haven’t been on the forum for a while but I’m back and no longer at a crossroads – we are separating.
This decision is fairly fresh. I think when I first posted here in September I already felt enough doubt in my gut and worried that I’d already lost too much trust in him, but we stuck at it for a while longer.
In that time he’s shown me so many examples of unacceptable behaviour…disregard for feelings, speaking to me with no respect, erratic (blowing hot and cold with affection). Saying unnecessarily cruel things. Name calling.

For some reason I couldn’t give up…until I finally did.
But before then I was still trying. I thought a lot about things in between discussions and sometimes and put them down on paper. I tried to frame things as needs rather than ‘complaints’ when I approached him to try and talk about ways that things between us could be improved, how trust could be built up. But I think he only ever saw this as me complaining. It was very difficult to talk to him about anything without a defensive reaction. I tried to convey how I’d been hurt by him, why I had distanced myself, and what I needed in order for that trust to be rebuilt. But he did not or could not do anything with that. Most typically, he’d be angry that I was still hurt when he’d been “trying”. He seemed genuinely confused if even after a couple of ‘good’ days, I’d want to talk about something playing on my mind (like an unresolved hurt). A few days before we split, a conversation becamee intense and unpleasant but even after I was visibly upset and had tried to remove myself from it, he kept escalating things.

We are still living in the same house while we try to figure out next steps. It is calmer but very sad.

My concentration has been bad, and I’ve had nightmares about him shouting at me. My anxiety peaked in the days leading up to the decision to separate but has lessened a bit. Now but I’m mostly overwhelmed by the road that lays ahead in terms of practical and financial decisions. With loads of help from family I might be able to buy him out of the house, but we will also have to manage co parenting. I have not gone very public with what I know to be abusive behaviour.

I wonder if anyone has any advice at all on how to make this part more bearable.
Thank you

p.s thank you @stuckinturmoil for your reply too, I meant to respond but things got busy here

[Camel]

Hi

It’s always sad when a relationship ends but you know you’re doing the right thing. My advice would be to take small steps forward every day. Get a lawyer and start the ball rolling. Expect him to play dirty. Be fair but not compliant. Once you’ve started proceedings don’t get drawn into arguments or discussions with him about the relationship. That ship has sailed and it won’t get you anywhere. Likewise don’t agree to second chances if he promises to change, get help, or whatever. He’s had plenty of opportunities already.

[Author]

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