N**********c behaviour and worries about the children

[anotherlife]

I’ve only been on this site for about (detail removed by moderator) months, although we’ve had some problems for years, the worst started in (detail removed by moderator). Anyway, we’ve had 2 really bad episodes in (detail removed by moderator) months. It may not sound a lot to some but it would be more if I answered back more etc. I don’t think I really love him anymore and have very little respect for him as a person. From his social media, it looks like happy families but behind closed doors, it’s different.
I looked up (detail removed by moderator) the other day, as I didn’t really know the true meaning and was shocked to see so many traits in my husband. It kind of made sense but also upset me, as I know he’s changed a lot over the years but looking at his personality, it’s like he knows he’s like it often but doesn’t care. When the phones are meant to be switched off on the plane (yes, we all went on holiday, it may be the last time at this rate), he’s the only one who ignores the requests and the steward had to come and ask him. He made comments about one of the others and how they were doing their job (I couldn’t see a problem at all), these are just little things really, I just spotted them as its like a growing trend in him.
My worry at the moment is how his behaviour affects and is going to affect our children (detail removed by moderator). The way he speaks to both of them and tries to justify it (or I can’t intrude as it causes a big argument) as he says it’s their fault, is often awful. He puts my son down, scolds my daughter too harshly, there are plenty more things. He hugs my daughter in public but never at home. When I was reading it all the other day though, it mentioned children of (detail removed by moderator). I can see it all in my brother in law, as he’s a complete opposite from my husband. As far as I know, their dad was overbearing, a bully & violent towards some of them and the mother. I’m so scared that my son will turn out like his uncle, not strong enough and not feeling good about himself. I try to tell my kids that I’m so proud of them, to be good to them and love them. But there’s the other stuff going on in the house.
I know the answer is to leave and I hope that one day before too long, I will be able to. But at the moment, they both don’t really see it as bad as it is and at the moment, we are in a lull again. I am planning to get in to touch with women’s aid again next week as I can’t in the holidays but I want some advice on who I can talk to about how my husbands behaviour affects the children and how I can approach it – it’s hard to mention too much with the children as I don’t want to bring it up too much and make it worse, as I know my daughter is young and talks about things more freely and I don’t want him having another go, as she has mentioned the odd thing before. I worry more about my son, (detail removed by moderator) and being with him a bit more and the fact that he expects more of him.
Sorry for the long essay, it just feels like the more time goes on, the more I see bad things in my husband and we’re growing more apart, but he really doesn’t get it. I don’t think he thinks I’d leave him (I have never threatened to) and he has a well paid job whereas I am out of work and need a job and there are other things but I don’t want all my life with him. I’m going to try to make a plan to get out but I need lots of information and time, he’ll make our life hell when it happens but if I’d ever known it would get like this, I’d have started saving money when I was still working. It’s not just money but I have physical health problems and will struggle with some things.
More than anything, I want my kids to be ok. My dad was an alcoholic and even though he was never nasty as such, he was a waster. My mum put up with it for (detail removed by moderator) years so we we’re left with little confidence and missed out in a lot. I don’t want to end up like my mum but also for my kids to lack confidence etc. I think I really need help soon to look at how I’m handling things, to gain strength to deal with him and to get us out. I’ve got to do something about this.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Anotherlife,
I can empathise with everything you’ve said, but I went through the stage you’re at well over a decade ago. I was just stuck in a rut, staying for the children, not feeling like I could provide for them like he could. The situation got worse and worse. I kept waiting for the right moment, when the children were older, when they left home etc.
I’m now at the point where my husband is turning my eldest into a clone of himself and his father too, both (detail removed by moderator)  I’ve realised recently! My younger son is like me, fighting against it all, trying to stay sane, but struggling with IBS, stress, depression, anxiety. I decided I had to act now. I’m in the process of divorcing my husband. I’ve chosen to do it the hard way. We’re still living together under the same roof, but live separate lives. He tortures me daily with his comments about how I’m ruining our sons lives. It was horrendous at first, but now I keep telling myself
‘No, it’s him who is ruining their lives, I’m just trying to provide an alternative for them’
I know you have to do this in your own time, in your own way, but it’s brilliant that you can see him for what he really is. I saw from time to time, but he would always convince me that I was wrong or at least doubt myself. I didn’t have much confidence when I met him, after years of listening to his distorted truth- lies, but he never admits to being or doing anything wrong! My confidence was in negative figures. Women’s aid and this forum have helped me loads with that. Keep reading and researching, keep focused on the real truth. They don’t see their behaviour as wrong. My husband thinks the end justifies the means, so if he feels I need to be taught a lesson his lies, cruelty and actions are not wrong in his eyes. He is simply getting his point across.
Good luck with your journey.
Hugs FF

[anotherlife]

Thank you KIP and Freedomfighter. KIP I will look that up tonight and Freedomfighter, thank you – I think in a way he’s doing me a favour as I’m seeing him for everything he is and am not impressed by his job, spending etc, it doesn’t impress me when he has no regard for anyone else and never thinks to see anything in someone eyes. I’m really worried that my son will take on some of his traits or get mentally beaten down – he has a lovely temperament, he’s always been calm and kind, which I take that he takes after me. I’m so proud of him! But he’s almost (detail removed by moderator)  and male role models are important but I don’t want him thinking that’s how to behave. My daughter is more fiery and always has been but she’s also very loving. They argue / squabble a lot though and I see little signs that some of it is down to my husbands lack of respect for them, so perhaps my son is doing a bit of that to his sister. I’ve sat them down at teatime and told them I’m proud of them and who they are and what they do, that they may be different to each other but they are great kids and being a good person is the most important thing.
I will keep looking forward and when they’re back at school, I can make some calls / appointments to get some info and help.
I will get out, I’m not staying like this forever and certainly not waiting until they leave home. I’m hoping I can get sorted a little and maybe things will take some kind of turn later this year so I can do something about it. Having support makes a massive difference. He knows so many people where we live and I would love to move to another town but I won’t do that, I want the kids to stay with their friends and school.
A few of my friends know and totally understand. I wish he’d shown his true colours years ago and we would have been out of here but lives not simple.
Freedomfighter – I wish you strength and courage, don’t ever let him make you think it’s your fault as it so rarely is, you sound like you know what he’s been up to. Your poor sons are struggling too, just never be afraid to tell them you love them, no matter how old they are. Hopefully it’ll all work out OK for your younger son and perhaps your older son will see in time x
KIP – thank you as always x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Anotherlife,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I see now what he’s doing, I just kept it all to myself for decades. Without a good support network we are too vulnerable to their abuse and constant chipping away at our confidence. I have that vital support now. I know I’m not paranoid or crazy like he kept telling me.
I’m so glad you’ve already seen through his mask. It’s just a matter of getting all your ducks lined up in a row and you’ll be ready. I wish you luck on your journey and hope you and your children find peace and happiness soon. Your children sound like well adjusted lovely young people, well done you!😊

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