Nearing the end of what I can bear!

[Miosotis]

Hi, I am new here but in the past I had support from the (removed by moderator) Women’s Aid, so I am not new to abuse. I am now in a marriage that has completely wrecked the last good years of my life, just because someone else is jealous of my success. I feel so lost and abandoned by all the organizations that were supposed to be there for me, offer me support and help me get out of here… At times I have even been so unkindly treated… I am a foreigner in the UK, no family here, am very social but have moved around and don’t have close friends other than online and I so much needed support, also to finally understand why someone who met me when I was coming out of such a vulnerable situation (he knows all about it and proceeded to do the same). Are there women here who have also be snubbed by charities or rejected because they don’t have the money to pay to get help? Because I am a victim of manipulation and psychological abuse I am not taken seriously and at times even treated like a naughty child. This can be the drop that takes you over the edge……. is it only me? I feel awful that after getting out of one situation I have been in this one for over (removed by moderator) years! I suffer from Complex PTSD and I feel that women deserve better, from their partners but also from those who are supposed to be supporting them!

[sweet4]

I found it like that to, but you need to keep at them and dont give up, i have gone from this site, to and other, now the council, i just keep calling them everyday and constant emails, don’t sit back to it all, you need to work hard, now after my caseworker who does not reply to me, i have now had another reassigned, as im in the same situation but living in my bedroom to avoid any more abuse.keep posting, you will get there.

[Miosotis]

Thanks, Sweet4, the difficulty for me is that, as I still have some money and therefore will be able to support myself for a while, I don’t get a caseworker or anything. No one basically wants to know. I admire your energy and positivity, I am the same, even though very tired and discouraged I still knock at all doors! Good luck……. will be reading the posts about your progress! We will indeed get there1

[Lisa]

Hi Miosotis,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a supportive and safe place to express yourself and share your experience.

I’m sorry to hear how you have been struggling to get the support you need. You mentioned having had support in the past from a domestic abuse service. Perhaps it could be useful for you to make contact via Women’s Aid Live Chat service and explain the barriers that you have been facing in terms of getting the help you need so your options can explored further.

Many survivors have various support needs around mental health so services are aware specialist help is often needed and understand how domestic abuse impacts on mental health too. There is guidance created by Women’s Aid in partnership with Mind and SARSAS that provides information and includes some helpful self-care techniques from other survivors, as well as links to free support resources. You can access the guidance here.

You could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.

I hope this forum helps validate your experience and reminds you that you are not alone. Do keep posting to let us know how you are.

All the best,

Lisa

[Miosotis]

Many thanks, Lisa! I very much appreciate… I always appreciate kindness, but when life is bad even more! Yes, I had therapy with Women’s Aid, not sure why the whole name wasn’t allowed here. So, not in England but not far away, let’s say. I will have a look at the chat… I hadn’t found it yet. Yes, my needs, as I see it right now, are in terms of specialized domestic abuse and Complext PTSD support, because I am getting therapy, (removed by moderator) a week (amazing how much difference the extra 10 minutes used to make), but it is not specialized and a charity where they found that I really need to speak to a specialist, would charge me so much that I can’t pay, which doesn’t seem right. They are a charity and they acknowledge that I need what they can offer? I am horribly tired. I think that a lot of women will suffer a more than needed because it takes sometimes years, like in my case, to get anywhere. If abuse was acknowledged earlier maybe relationships could be saved and a lot of heartache spared. I believe that if someone had made my husband sit down and listen, he eventually would have realized what he was doing and that there were choices he could make to either live his own life with me in a way that suited him better, or chosen to end the marriage but in a better way. I was left to deal with everything on my own, but I am not a marriage counsellor, so I probably made big mistakes along the way while hoping that I could turn things around. I am (removed by moderator), so just imagine what this will do to someone much younger, who also has no family or close friends to rely on for support. When times are this tough we sometimes need a third party to look at things with a clear mind and try to explain them to us, as in the middle of so much confusion it is difficult to understand what is going on. One needs someone to give us a hand, and as a rule there is no service that does that. I fully resent the Royals and TV shows that aim to show that all is well! No, it is not well, not if you are in the middle of it. After my last divorce I wanted to write a book about what I went through, all I tried, and that nothing worked, but then, when life land in calmer waters, you just want to go on with your life!

Thanks for providing me the links about Domestic Abuse and the impact on mental health, but what mostly interests me is the impact from Psychological Abuse, like Gaslighting and the Silent Treatment, which is very difficult to explain to professionals who are not specialized and don’t understand Domestic Abuse. I have been trying to get as much information as I can, but it is very traumatic for me, and I usually take a few days to read one article. Society is still geared towards the fact that if there are no bruises and immediate danger, than all is OK. Psychological abuse destroys your soul without leaving a trace and in my case, I am not the first one, I am sure about that. Two wives and two very similar cases. He is not evil, he is maybe not OK and misguided too. No one put an end when it first happened, she ended up becoming a mental health patient for life, and a few decades later I became the second victim, that makes it the more painful. But understanding that it isn’t me who is the problem, helped me hugely and helps me to stay alive too, for me and for her. What happened to her in her 30’s impacted the rest of her life! And he is not going to be the grieving widower if I can help it either! But I am so tired…

I will try the Support Line if things become too difficult to bear. In between the therapy sessions I sometimes struggle to cope. One of my problems first of all is that I feel very isolated here in England (luckily I have a very dear friend in a Care Home, (removed by moderator), whom I support but we end up supporting one another and because I have her I get out of the house and although she suffers from dementia, she is at times very lucid). I tried another phone service. The first time it was amazing and I felt so much better and the lady was very professional and kind. The second time, when I had been badly treated by another service and needed to talk about it, I was told that if my husband is in the house they wouldn’t speak to me, even if they called me back in the middle of the night, he doesn’t hear without hearing aids and sleeps on a different side of the house (I have slept on the couch for almost (removed by moderator) years). So, if one feels that one really needs to speak to someone and one is only a danger to oneself, they will still now speak to you. In the end she did but I won’t phone again, because I don’t know when he will be out and I don’t want to be crying and upset in the street, when I talk about traumatic events.

Thanks, that is what I need to feel right now, that I am not alone. To go through this after extremely traumatic events in my last marriage has been a huge blow. This shows that one never knows enough about abuse to be able to protect oneself. In my case he destroyed my music, which was what was keeping me alive….. knew all I had been through in my life and chose to do the same, out of jealousy for my success! He created the dream when I was nearing (removed by moderator), with no ambitions to ever being a performing artist, and destroyed it too! My success sealed the end of my marriage and my passion too. I have heard of other women my age dealing with these guys who are going through a late midlife crisis, seems to be quite common and often they go back to their youth passions, like model flying, model trains!

Many thanks for your kindness and for listening,

(removed by moderator)

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