Nearly gone, child contact ….?

[Rubymurray]

Im about to leave this week. After 9-10 months of realising & organising. (I am having space staying with a friend initially…)

I won’t be telling him where the new house is, still don’t know what I’m going to say when he may possibly turn round & say he has a right to know where his child is living…??? Has he?

I’m still not 100% sure how im going about communication in the beginning, and/or co parenting. He will be a mess, emotional possibly vulnerable with depression. I don’t particularly want to be talking to him on the phone every day or week. I do want child to speak to him on phone, else I feel that will definately start the future off on an even worse note. I’m in the frame of mind where no talking over historic events will be worthwhile, I am past that & it will not get us anywhere, only more mental & emotiinal exhaustion…. BUT he will possibly no doubt try to bring up things (gaslighting, pointing out my flaws and how he feels this is not all down to him etc) either to me or friends & family.

Do I say put anything you want to say in an email at this initial stage? (Although I’ve been talking to solicitors for free advice, I haven’t gone as far as starting any proceedings on anything yet until we’re out.)

Do i need to update him on things that happens with child or just wait to see if he asks? If I don’t keep him in the loop, he may use that & accuse me of not including him etc…Will this go against me…?

He is bound to ask about childs school visit or Drs appt coming up and how it went & obviously have a right to know.
I’m aware this might be difficult to answer or advise on not knowing us & background.

It’s all very much gaslighting & control, emotional type, losing patience, sometimes banging around aggressively etc.

I’m still imagining child spending time with him at weekends or agree on days after a week or 2 space to myself fully. I will be making it clear that if she’s unhappy in anyway then contact will be reviewed continuously

[iliketea]

What someone said here was that it gets hard to reel back the contact when the court gets involved (if they need to) so if you want to arrange that before anything happens try to do least possible. Otherwise if it goes bad between you and him then the court could use the fact you have allowed him that much contact because you feel hes ok and you feel comfortable with it. Does that make sense? As in actions speak louder than words. I don’t know the full answer tbh but need to know too, so thanks for posting. Well done, nearly there. Stay strong. Xx

[Rubymurray]

Thank you – iliketea

Bumping up x

[iliketea]

@LifeBegins, any tips, I know you’ve just been through this…

[iliketea]

@diymum1

@fizzylem
Any tips, I know you’ve been through the whole process and out the other side…what were the early days, first days like..

[Rubymurray]

@iliketea i was just also gonna ask you for an example you may have thought of regards suggestion of contact initially…. like 1 weekend day to start with only and see hiw it goes, not over night…?

Saying that child is prioirity and it this is …truthfully will be a huge thing for child to stay over night with just daddy…basically never happened, only goes to bed wuth me her wholelife too…..

[Lifebegins]

Hi Rubymurray

I’m just learning about child contact as early days for me after leaving. I Have had lots of good advice from the ladies on this forum and hopefully someone will come along with far more experience and wise advice then me!

I’m going no contact at present and there are no child contact arrangements in place so there is nothing he can do about it unless he goes to court. My solicitor, police, IDVA and ladies on this site have all advised for him to have no face to face contact as he is an abuser and if he can’t get to me directly, he will do it via our child. He has joint parental responsibility so if I allowed my child to go to him to visit, he could keep them and I would have to go to court for a court order to get them back. I was shocked but apparently this does happen. I’m also not doing face time or phone calls as he is not allowed to contact me and I think he would use FT or phone as a means to get to me through our child.

What I’m learning is that we can’t treat this as if it’s a separation with a normal person. They are an abuser and normal standards of behaviour do not apply. With the advice I’ve gotten, I’ve realised I have to toughen up and not try and be right and fair (which instinctively I want to be).

I really think no contact is the way to go. It’s made such a difference for me in keeping a clear head and not being hoovered back in. The longer no contact is going on, the more I’m realising I don’t miss him one bit and I don’t need him. I hope that you will feel the same way too very soon xx

And i think iliketea is right. My solicitor says if you allow too much contact at the start, should you have to go to court (he might take you to court for contact) it is difficult then to rely on abuse as a reason to restrict as you gave him

[Lifebegins]

….a lot of access to start with so maybe he can’t be that bad

Sorry I submitted by accident before I finished! Xx

[Balloons]

Unfortunately I can second this view – I’m not through the courts yet but know I’ve got a battle ahead of me because I initially “tried to do the right thing”, or at least what I thought was right at the time. Now it is clear to me it is not working, I have my work cut out in trying to show why and I’m on the back foot. Better to start with less I say, and then let him take it to court if he wants more – build up as much evidence as you can (which I appreciate just how difficult this is). I also get just how hard it is, because I’m sure (if you’re anything like me) you probably just want to be able to do this amicably, and keep it out of courts, and find a way to co-parent effectively even if the relationship has ended. That was definitely where I was, but almost (detail removed by moderator) down the line it has proved impossible and I’ve ended up at court anyway.

I don’t want to scare you at all, but I definitely agree that starting with less contact is the way to go, and then take it from there. Maybe try and get some legal advice too if you can. xx

 

[seaglass]

Hi,but how do you go no contact with the child? Doesn’t that cause an issue straight away with his rights? So confused as solicitor I spoke to through local woman’s aid said to keep it out of courts and if he was ‘ safe’ with his dad then to just co parent. Should I get more legal advice?

[Rubymurray]

Seaglass- Good question, conflicting advice makes this so difficult.

[Lifebegins]

So if you are allowing contact with your child, you could have no contact with you by doing all the arrangements via a family member. That way you don’t have to have any contact with him.

As I understand it, the only way he can enforce any rights is for him to go to court. This is something for you to think about. If you want him to have child contact it might be worth seeking advice from ladies on this site who have allowed contact with their children and see how that has worked out for them and how they’ve managed it.

Something I’m thinking about now is how abuse affects my child. Reading When Dad hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft. Its making me think what’s in the best interest for my child is not necessarily in his best interests xx

[Author]

Posts