Nearly had a panic attack

[anotherlife]

I feel stupid that I thought this would never happen to me. Thought that I was strong enough to handle my feelings enough to not get too anxious, that slow breathing would get me through times when it felt too much.
But yesterday, after again feeling very nervous because he’s returning from a work trip, I almost had a panic attack in my car. I knew my anxiety was rising, I had an appointment for physio and thekind lady asked about my stress levels in relation to my pain. I said I was very aware that stress plays a bit part in pain. She could see me fidgeting and wringing my hands but didn’t ask any more. But I felt I had to say a bit as I needed to be quite honest to work with her well after so many years of physical pain – it’s from from domestic violence but from several injuries / long term chronic pain.

Anyway, I just told her i had stressed at home, then said it was mainly my husband. We only spoke for a few minutes about how our brain sends pain signals etc but I was just getting more anxious as he’s home so soon & it was in my mind. She was so kind and mentioned relaxation etc when as mums we do everything for our kids but no time for ourselves to really switch off.
I got to the car, I could feel I was starting to lose control. I was feeling panicked, my chest was feeling so weird and I started to feel dizzy. I hadn’t started the engine, I was trying to sit calmly and breathe some air in. I felt like I could hardly breathe deeply, it was getting so shallow and I thought I’d pass out.
I was telling myself not to panic, that this was a common feeling of over anxiety and I would be ok. But I just couldn’t calm down. I knew that by speaking to a relative that I could get feelings out so I phoned the one that knows what’s going on. After talking to get for a moment, asking her to just talk to me while I listening and tried to breathe, getting out of my car and walking by the car a bit while still on the phone, I managed to calm a little and start speaking and say to her that I knew everything he had some was wrong and that if it was one of my friends, I would know they should get out. That is my plan and I’ve started the freedom program, but I wanted to feel a bit stronger first as I feel I’m getting weaker but hiding it from the kids & most people. My husband and I do talk about things sometimes to get to calm out issues, I know we just don’t understand each other anymore (well, he doesn’t and doesn’t want to, or to listen, which I know is normal in this situation).
I feel stupid even writing this as I know what I would tell a friend or relative in my situation, but some of you know how hard it is and my relative understands that I just can’t make that decision quite yet. We don’t need a refuge, I’m not taking the kids from the house, I want us to stay and for him to go at some point – I want to know that I won’t go back on it once it’s decided that enough us enough. It soundsstupid to me as I should just cut loose but I just can’t make the decision yet.
I just needed to write this. That I need to calm down. I had some pills from the doctor a few months ago to just help the anxiety. But I know it’s not just pills that are needed. I feel more nervous when he’s away as I have more time to stress and over think. I thought as I recognise anxiety and have seen a few have panic attacks, that I’d see the signs, or never get to that stage. It’s just happened quick. I’m fine with the kids or other people as I’m distracted. But too much obsessing about things and what may be said next time and if he tries out touch me. I want to tell him I’m not ready for anything like that, as he oversteps it every time he tries to kiss me, which I rarely let hget close enough to do, but I need to tell him to give to me space, I just need to be strong and explain. If I can, I will stick to it as he knows I’m nervous and I know it’s NOT ok. I’m stupid just dragging this all out. I know I don’t love him anymore, after all he’s said and done, I have none left in me.
Well, sorry that went on so long. Coming in here is like talking to someone and them listening. I wrote a post on here a few days ago about us having some strength inside. I feel I still have a little but I don’t want the panicking to happen again. I’ve got to sort this out. It’ll probably be fine at home for a while, I know it can be and he’ll be making an effort, which I was going to use as time for me to keep planning. But I’m feeling naive!
How do I stay calmer?! I feel I should be able to do the slow breathing etc but it was my head that was making me panic, I can feel that feeling in my chest rising as I think about it.
How do any of you calm yourselves down? Comfort / stress eating is normally my answer but this is past any of that and needs to stop.

[Twisted Sister]

I have anxiety tablets, but when it happens, like you say, it happens so fast, when you simple can’t draw breath in…like choking.

Distraction, and forcing my stomach to take over breathing action as chest has stopped working! It’s something I’ve practiced so that I’m used to doing it already for when needed.

To practice, either stood up or laid down, but reasonably relaxed, put hand on lower abdomen, and whilst stopping chest moving, force tummy outwards, this pulls air into your lungs, then push/pull tummy in to expell air.

I have been doing this tonight!

It’s horrible and I hope it helps some.

Warmest wishes ts

[HopeLifeJoy]

What you are describing sounds very much like a panic attack to me.
If we would break up with a normal non-abusive man it would still be hard but we would feel comfortable talking about it with him. We wouldn’t have the panic attacks.

Breaking up with an abuser is not as easy, it’s tough and dangerous. So it is normal that you have to take your time to gather strength until you are ready to make the move.
You can call Women’s Aid, they can advise you with his exit plan. What to watch out for etc…to put aside/hide your important documents and valuables etc…
Wishing you lots of strength, you can do this.
Keep posting, keep safe.

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