Nearly there, but this is still so hard

[Sunnymayday]

It’s been a few months since I posted. Long marriage, long collapse, which escalated last year. I’ve had several months of therapy and I can see very clearly that it has been a marriage of regular emotional abuse, control, manipulation, coercion, including of a sexual nature. Constant criticism and constant openly chasing other women, without any thought to me feelings.

We’re going to divorce. I’m trying to sort the numbers out to work out a fair split so we can both manage.

But no-one, other than my counsellor, understands just how physically painful this is. Yes I recognise it is abuse and that it was killing me. I’m like a shell of the person I once was. Everyone thinks that I can just divorce and I’ll be fine.

Bit I invested so much time into trying to fix him. I know he is a very damaged person. He has absolutely no empathy and he only thinks about himself. I know that I can’t fix him, and that I have given him every ounce of my strength trying to. But I still feel heartbroken that I have failed.

He has been truly awful to me. I will be fine on my own. I’m not scared any more. But I’m just so sad because I don’t think that this was his fault either.

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely I hear your pain in your words, but you haven’t failed. It’s so hard to understand how they see the world and how their minds work and hard to accept that it’s not like ours. Whether it was his ‘fault’ that he was wired that way doesn’t change the fact that he was abusive and nasty – and if he’s like most then he was able to switch it on/off depending on the audience which meant he was conscious and aware of his actions.

I used to blame my ex’s parents as they are awful humans and treated my ex horribly but one day it dawned on me that he knew better than anyone how horrible it was to be on the receiving end of that treatment so why on earth would he make others feel the same. Also, when he’d have an outburst and apologise I’d accept it but again a lightbulb moment made me realise hang on, you know you’re hurting me and being vile so what are you doing to fix you – it’s not on me to fix you. When I tried he’d always have an excuse not to speak to the GP or read a book etc. The fact is they don’t want to change. They are deeply broken but at the same time arrogant and entitled.

I know it hurts to ‘give up’ on them but until they accept there’s an issue, then you’re just throwing good energy after bad. I wonder if you’re grieving what should’ve been rather than what was. Hopefully the counsellor can work through this and you’ll find peace with focusing on you instead xx

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