Need advice

[Chann]

Hi,
I’ve never been on a site like this and I’m just looking for abit of advice. I know some of you must have gone through horrible things that I could never imagen so I’ve always held of posting as I feel like my problems are nothing to some of yours. I hope you don’t think I’m over reacting and could just tell me I’m not crazy! I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) years and have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old son with him. He was perfect at the beginning and I was really happy. I’m not really sure when it started to go down but I noticed it most after I had my son, he’s always had a short temper and we would argue a lot but before we lived together I didn’t take much notice of it because I could just leave. A few weeks after I had my son I found out he was cheating on me which I found really hard to deal with, I forgave him because I didn’t want to be alone. After that I found out I was pregnant again and he made it clear we wasn’t to have another baby so he insisted I had an abortion, I made a rushed decision to and found it very hard to cope after. He didn’t really care and was never there for me when I would get upset. I’d cry most nights and he’d laugh and say I wanted to so why am I upset? I never told anyone about it as I didn’t want anyone to be disappointed or judge me. I really regret my choice to this day. He’s never helped with our son as that’s ‘my job’ I think that’s when we really grew apart. Since then I notice he glares at me with a disgusted look on his face. He tells me to leave the room or shut up every time I eat to the point where I just never eat around him or go into another room so he can’t hear me. I found this hard to begin with as I struggled to eat socially when I was younger and kinda felt this was bringing it back. Which it has. Whenever I’m getting dressed he tuts and makes comments about how I look. He picks on every bad physical thing about me. Hel tell me I’m a c**p mum constantly, saying I’ve ruined our son. Asked me why I haven’t been fired because I have no idea how to look after a child ((detail removed by Moderator)). He blows up over tiny things from me not emptying the bin to wanting to watch something else on telly. He’s always in and out of work as he doesn’t think he needs to help me money wise with bills etc but when he does it all goes on weed and hel happily just take from my bank account. most mornings he is here with us and I try to not wake him so me and my son can start our day happily without stepping on egg shells or being called every name under the sun. The other morning he was in bed and my son went in the bedroom and threw a toy at him while he was asleep.. he woke up shouting so I ran in the bedroom and grabbed my son and shut the door (thinking he’d go back to sleep) I heard him throwing things around and he came running out swearing. He took my soon to the bedroom and said he needed to sit on the floor (for time out) I went in and said he didn’t need to and that he needed to carm down. He pushed me away and screamed in my face. I went around him and just sat in front of my son. He the grabbed my face and told me to f**k off. He picked him up and put him in the other room, I followed and then sat next to him again. He was screaming at us saying how I’ve made him a horrible child that how would I like it having a toy thrown at my face. Then he was searching the house for the stupid (detail removed by Moderator) that he had apparently been attacked with by a (detail removed by Moderator) year old! Saying wait til I find it I’m gunna smash it in your face so hard (this carried on him rambling running round the house like a crazy person) he got in my face and pretended to throw it. He punched through the door and went in the kitchen banging a few things around. I just sat there and cryed feeling completely numb and sick waiting for it to end. This is a weekly thing (exploding over tiny things) last week he threw a toy across the room at my face splitting my lip. He’s never physical with me it’s more words and looks which is why I think I find it so easy to forgive. I find now when he has these episodes I have no feeling, I used to argue back but I have no more energy. I think if I just stay quiet it will pass quicker and I can carry on with my day. That morning I asked him to leave once he carmed down. Which he did after about an hour and a few more goes at me. Usually when I ask him to leave I always ask him back, because I’m petrified of being alone at night (sad I know) but last night I didn’t I just thought that my son deserves better. I grew up with my dad being physically and emotionally abusive to my mum and I never want my son to ever feel how I did. tonight I’m struggling, im missing the company and I feel like we will be okay if he comes back. I know this isn’t the right answer and I know I just need to cut him out but i can’t explain it. I think I just needed to tell someone all of that.

[Tiffany]

Throwing things at you is physical abuse. Mine did it too, and I didn’t recognise it because he never hit me hard enough to leave a mark. Grabbing your face is physical abuse too. Rage towards a young child is a worrying sign too. Are you able to call the women’s aid helpline and talk about your situation. They will be able to give you advice on how to move forward. You are absolutely not overreacting. Abusers are very good at convincing us that we are, but we mostly underreact. You are in a dangerous scary situation. I would consider changing the locks. You are much safer alone in the house than you are with him. It’s incredibly hard. Abusers are basically addictive, but it isn’t normal behaviour and you deserve so much better. You could also try contacting local domestic abuse services for help as it is sometimes easier to get through to them than the national helpline.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Chann,

Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear what a rough time you’ve been having with him. I was thinking what Tiffany said above, that he is in fact being physically abusive with you (physical isn’t just hitting) as well as extremely emotionally and financially abusive. I know it feels normal as we just get used to the behaviour but it really isn’t safe and you deserve so much more. Sadly abusers never change and abuse always escalates because it gives them what they crave, power and control. They see us as possessions. Google the Cycle of Abuse and the Power and Control Wheel. If you can get a copy of Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That’ and read it in secret, don’t let him see. It will help you understand his behaviour. Also google Trauma Bonding because that is what you are feeling with that sort of love-fear thing we get with abusers.

And give the helpline a call and tell them what has been happening. I started living alone earier this year (well with my housemate the cat so not totally alone! :)) and the first night was a bit scary (I was mainly scared about spiders) but it has been absolutely fine since then and I am enjoying it. You sound like a great mum, strong and resourceful and you will absolutely thrive and survive without this man ruining everything like this.

[Starmoon]

Firstly- he is physical and if he can be this agressive now, it will only get worse, this is definitly abuse especially as he doesnt see a problem in how he behaves

[Author]

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