Need advice. Contemplating life.

[Gingerbreadkitty]

I am trying to get my ‘partner’ to leave ive known he’s been abusive for years and been trying to leave for years but a new thing that’s now come up is we have joint ‘legacy benefits’ if he or I left, would I have to claim universal credit or would I be able to stay on legacy? I don’t like the thought of all the change my kids and me going through and money being yet another thing waiting weeks for it to be sorted.

I hope I wouldn’t need to claim but I don’t know where else to turn to find out. I really want my life back.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi gingerbread kitty, welcome to the forum. I think WA could answer this fir you or CAB, they’re very good too. Unless someone here could help too. I found getting financial advice from WA solicitor took a lot of worry off my shoulders. Knowledge is truly power.

IWMB 💕💕

[EbonyRaven]

I just had a look at some benefits information around legacy benefits on the Child Poverty Action Group website, and if you live in a UC area then, yes a new claim would become UC instead of JSA, IS or ESA etc.
Please don’t let that stop you. Ultimately it will be far, far better for the children, and for you too.

[Lisa]

Hi Gingerbreadkitty,

Welcome to the forum. I just wanted to say please try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. They will not tell you what to do but they can help to talk you through your options and work out what might be best for you.

The CAB can be helpful with regards to benefits as can Turn2us, http://www.turn2us.org.uk

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Gingerbreadkitty]

Hello All,
Thank you for your replies. I have no opportunity to ring the helpline as my ‘partner’ doesn’t work hasn’t for a little while. So he’s home all the time. I’ve been to my local WA in the past to be told “if you won’t help yourself we can’t help you” they basically want me to go into refuge. Which in my circumstances I cannot do which is why I haven’t. Unfortunately it’s pretty important my family well one of my children in particular stays in the area. I can’t go to CA without him knowing and probably asking questions about why I’m going out since I don’t go out. I don’t have any family I’m in touch with anymore so it’s just me and my children. This why I turned to here for advice. I have no idea what to do and where to go next.

Edit:
One of my children has a disability which is why money is so imperative to keep us going a 6 week wait for UC would just about cripple us.

[Daisy]

If you are the claimant on a benefit , that will continue. If you are not the main claimant, or he is and you are the partner on his claim then you would have to claim universal credit. So if your name is the main claimant and you receive the money for your job seekers or esa and tax credit and housing benefit, it would be a change of circumstances to current benefit, if partner left but if he is the one claiming and receiving any of the above you would need to claim universal credit x x x

[Gingerbreadkitty]

I am the main claimant. I did it when he lost his job. So I would be ok you reckon?

[Daisy]

If you are the main claimant for ALL YOUR legacy benefits the change is just a household change so I would expect your benefits to continue but may reduce now you are a single claimant not a couple. google universal credit to see the 6 benefits it replaces. if you need to claim any ONE then that’s when I would expect you to have to claim universal credit. There are some good benefits advice sites online. Turn to us is one , and money advice is another.the ogov website is also worth a google
X x x

[Gingerbreadkitty]

Thank you x I claim all the benefits I made sure I was main claimant now I know why.

[Gingerbreadkitty]

I’m so torn right now. I really don’t know what to do. I recently found I was pregnant and had a miscarriage a week later (he doesn’t know). One of my children especially is a daddy’s girl. I feel so bad that I’d be ripping them away from him. I feel like they would hate me. I want to stay here where I live now but he won’t leave so I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Sadness]

Gbk if he is abusive could you not get a barring order against him and he would have to leave house and you won’t have to leave hope you are ok it’s so hard x

[Gingerbreadkitty]

Hey, yes but then I’d feel guilty about putting him on the street since he wouldn’t have anywhere to go. He is my kids dad after all. Abusive or not. I think the way I feel is strange but I’m just a compasionate person and want the best for everyone even if they aren’t the nicest.

[Sadness]

Gbk I totally understand as I am in the same situation after he hurts me in my head I have the strength to do it but as I relax and calm my self I don’t have the heart to do it but I feel close I really wish he would just go and leave me heal and my children as we have been through so much he keeps saying his depressed and sorry but I just think if he loved us he would leave until he got help with his anger and not put us in danger .He has somewhere to go as it’s just him I can’t leave with 4 kids.His family only know his depressed they weren’t to know about anything else so he is getting pitty off them that he doesn’t deserve as he is only depressed because I said I have enough and he doesn’t want people to know .This is the longest I have stayed in separated room and I’m proud of my self for that at least and I have said to him over and over again that we are over I usually give in after a week for a easy life .I still don’t understand why I can’t tell anyone why I’m so ashamed when I shouldn’t .I hope you are ok as I know the your brain is going non stop and the ups and down would drain any life you have left x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Gingerbreadkitty,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and hope that you are ok and looking after yourself. I know you said that it could be difficult for you to phone the helpline as your partner is around a lot but perhaps if you could try to find a safe time to give them a ring, if it is safe for you to go for a walk and call them or if you leave a message with the helpline saying when your lunch break is with work etc they can give you a ring back. The helpline can help you to consider your options. It is unlikely that he is going to stop abusing you and leave so for the well being of yourself and your children it may have to be that you consider other options. You all deserve to be happy and respected and sadly until he is not in your house that is not going to be the case. You could also find your local Women’s Aid group here to make an appointment – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

He won’t like the fact that you are gaining in strength and getting advice and support so please do not let him know that you are using the forum and considering your options.

I hope you have a nice peaceful weekend and that hopefully you can find time to speak to the helpline and start to feel empowered by knowing what your options could be.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Frankfurter]

GBK, I had a similar situation with my ex. In the end I had to turf him out (the police were involved by that point). He made a big show of stumbling around drunk and dirty in front of everyone who knew me, that was tactic 1 to try to get me to take him back. I would have fallen for it too if it wasn’t for the domestic violence team’s support. He will have somewhere to go, they always do. He is relying on your good nature to continue abusing you.

[Gingerbreadkitty]

Hello all, its been (detail removed by moderator) months of nothing happening and all being ok but (detail removed by moderator) he kicked off screaming in my face with my kids around scaring them half to death, called the police they haven’t been out (bit bad really)hes left temporarily basically geering at me to come find him if i can. Im still worried about my tenancy and finances (benefits being made to go on universal credit and the long wait with a disabled child).

Im not sure what to do anymore to be honest. If the police do come out, my local womens aid hasnt really been any help in the past i cant see it changing :/. thats why ive turned back to here.

(detail removed by moderator)

[diymum@1]

the dv police have to take action do be fobbed off – your children are feeling scared and you its your right to be protected by the police and other services. push for a non mol and try to go no contact with him xxxx

[diymum@1]

dont

[KIP.]

Abusing you in front of your children is classed as child abuse. It’s time for you to keep them safe from him. Just because he is biologically related doesnt mean he has their best interest at heart. He doesn’t. It’s upto you to protect them and show them that this behaviour is not acceptable. You’re much more likely to be abused in adulthood if you’ve been abused in childhood. It has a really detrimental effect on their development. Use this opportunity to get an exclusion order or a non molestation order. Rights of Women may be able to help you.

[Gingerbreadkitty]

Thank you all i phoned the police and they said they would now send someone out to see us this afternoon in the mean time keep my doors locked. Yes i agree he doesn’t have their best interest at heart but my daughter says to me i miss daddy etc. it hurts to hear her say that.

[diymum@1]

she dosent understand the dynamics of abuse -she isnt emotionally mature enough to deal with this what she feels is loss. but its better to feel a loss than to be in the middle of abuse. she will come back from this the latter takes lots of work and is very damaging fro her. dont feel bad what your doing is protecting her – your role as her mum .

i think this afternoon you need to emphasise the fact that your all scared – his behaviour is not controlled (well) that is debatable but his behaviour is making you guys feel unsafe – we tend to underplay that fact thru fear but it will make them listen to you.

[Gingerbreadkitty]

I haven’t been here in 6 months not much has changed except there is no physical abuse. Just mental. Having a go everytime I say something even remotely questioning. I want to tell him to leave but again I’m scared of the financial sid effects and I have a permanent injury unrelated that makes me wonder if I’d cope on my own. I’m at my wits end and I know I should have left him sooner but it’s the niceness that gets me everytime.

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