Need advice, do I tell him I met someone else?

[equinoxal]

After breaking up, the (relatively) long time apart with no contact really helped to ‘clear the fog’ and made me realise as much as I still love him, I don’t want to be with him at all.

However, I finally responded to him after he had good reason to believe something bad had happened to me…wouldn’t have felt right letting him think that, regardless of what he’s done to me.

And…predictably! In a moment of weakness which I now massively regret, I told him I loved and missed him. And we ended up getting back together, even though I knew it was a huge mistake even as it was happening. Since then he has been on best behaviour, patient and loving etc. Despite that I still don’t want to be with him. I’ve tried to break up with him again, but he is more committed to the relationship than ever, talking about spending his life with me and marriage and kids etc. I actually believe he may honestly be changing his ways because he’s so determined to make the relationship work.

While we were broken up, I slept with someone else. He has always said in the past that he would never speak to me again if I did that. I’m certain this is the only way I can get him to really give up on the relationship now.

I feel so cruel to consider doing this. He is trying really hard to be better for me. But I just don’t want to try anymore, I want to be free. In the time apart I’ve been on holiday, went out clubbing with my friends, things which I’ve not been able to do without having anxiety and stress over his reaction. I feel like a bird who’s just been set free after spending its life in a cage!

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, and predictably for an emotionally abusive man, he is prone to anger and aggression. He can’t physically hurt me as I’m currently miles away from him. But I’m dreading his reaction if I tell him. For some reason, even though we were not together, he would view it as me cheating on him.

I need some advice!! Do I tell him or not? I know it will be completely over if I tell him, but I also 1. Know that he will not take it well and 2. Don’t want to hurt him. But if I don’t tell him I don’t know how else it will ever be over! I know everyone always suggests to block him completely but I really can’t do that. I know he has been abusive but he is really trying hard.

[Lisa]

Hi equinoxal,

It’s natural to have very conflicting feelings with regards to this relationship, it’s understandable to hold some hope that he may be changing. However we know that within the cycle of abuse there is always a ‘trying really hard’ or reconciliation phase when the abuser is trying to regain control.

It’s good that you know what you want and that you want to be free to live your life independently from him. It’s your decision whether to tell him or not, follow your instinct and I encourage you to do what you think will be best for you and your recovery, not what’s best for him.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Author]

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